My sweet little boy!! It has been so long since I could write you on here. So much has happened in the last three weeks, that I have to catch you up on. We lost the house Phoenix, when we came back the next day the house as destroyed. The whole yard was wrecked and the house had four and a half feet of water in it. We saved some stuff but life was really hard for a while. We finally got an apartment Phoenix. It's beautiful, and Victorian ..we love it so much. There is a very calming vibe here. We have some furniture, and the place is coming together, but I can't tell you how long this road as been.
We took the boat back yesterday, and I finally said goodbye to the home that you lived in with us. The home that we found out you would be joining our lives, the home I help you so close inside of me, the place where I first felt you move, the place you where born. As we drove down that canal, I thought of your last day. I can't believe I as saying goodbye to the only place I ever got to live with you. You are really gone baby...today I haven't been feeling so well. Those cracks in my heart are bulging and spitting apart again. I just need everything can to remember you. It's like the water came, and destroyed it all. I knew we where going to move, but I just wanted a little more time with you. I can still feel you though, and that what gets me past each day.
Though this house had revived my spirits a bit, I just eel like my passion is gone little man. All the things I used to love and cherish don't even catch my thoughts anymore. I just plaster on the happy smile so that people don't think I am depressed, and keep pushing through. Some days I just don't kno if I can live with this ache anymore. I want you so much.
Two knights ago Simon got a bone is his mouth and I thought he was going to die. I went around the house struggling and I thought I was going to lose it. I kept trying to get it out, and then I just started shaking...I couldn't stop...I thought of you struggling and I couldn't do anything. That same cold feeling ran through my skin, and my hands just shook! I knew I couldn't take another loss, I pulled it together and got it out. Afterwards I just sat there and sobbed. I can' take it...I can't take it anymore. Phoenix I can't lose anyone else. I lost my mos precious little one, and I just can't do it again. I live my whole life in fear that today will be the last for someone I love. It's no way to live honey, but it's all I got. I just wish I knew you where ok, and that I will get to be with you again. That I am not living this life just for it to end into nothingness. You are my meaning and I need you to survive.
I turned 30 too throughout all this. Your daddy was so sweet, he bought me some really cute clothes to wear out, and shoes, and this cute stuffed dog that I love. Dan and Jeanette and the kids bought me a cute card and plastic diamond wand (Jack said I deserved diamonds for my birthday. What a sweetie). They threw up a banner and we had cake. It was so sweet of them to take us in and make me feel so special for my birthday though I felt like crap. Steven took me out to great dinner and we went out drinking... got really drunk, and met some of his friends from highschool. I drank more than I have in long time, and don't remember the rest of the night. I guess it was better that way. Your dad just laughed at me all day at all the funny things I was doing. At the end of the day though it's just another birthday. Deep down I don't really get happy about them..the best part of it as the night before right before it turned twelve. We drove around trying to find gas, and I felt you...I looked up at the moon and I knew it was you following us. It was the best I ever felt. I got your message sweetheart...I love you so much my sweet!! I'm gong to go now, but I still have lots to tell you. I love you to the moon and back!
