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My little love,
You are bringing so much light to world today. I hope you can feel the love today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Where ever you are)

Happy Birthday my sweet sweet prince. I have no great memories on this day, only myself is a hospital bed...hopeless and suffering. You died the day you were born, and no one should have lived a life like that. I would give anything to be with you today? I don't know where you are but I hope everyone is there with you. Your dad and I have a lot of family up there with you. I hope you are playing with Max and Thomas. I hope you all are ok. I'm so sad baby boy. I cried as soon as I woke up. I tried to sleep as much as I could today because it's just too much. I woke up in the middle of the night, and I knew it was after three and you died all over again. I wish I could take back the hands of time (there I go bargaining again).
 You daddy had to work a half day, but when he get off we are coming to see you and bring your presents. We'll get cake to celebrate your life too, but I wish I knew what kind of cake you would have liked. I wonder if you would have had a sweet tooth like me.
 Phoenix, thank you for letting me have you for the  time I did. Thank you for teaching me how  much I can actually love. Thank you for changing me, and making me a better person. You my little prince have given me so much more than I have to you. Why couldn't I have been a better mother? Light the way for me my love, and come back to me if you can. Oh god, I love you with all my heart. I hope you are happy today, I hope it's the best 2nd birthday you could imagine. Mommy adores you.

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I'm reading about all the famous women who have suffered from baby loss. I don't want to be part of this club! I want out!





I want you back.

Two years ago today you where alive...

and tomorrow you will be dead at 3 a.m.  How do I do this without you my love?