My little love. Three years ago, you changed my life, and you made me a mother. I love you so much. Tell your grandma Joanne thank you for getting that message to me. I'm glad she is taking such good care of you. I love her for it. I wonder if she was there when your body left this earth. I wonder her took you to the afterlife. I wish I could hold your hand right now, or just see you. It's going to be such a long life without you. I started working on your second song. It will be like a dream...just like you. I love you baby boy.

My baby,
 I'm sorry I haven't written. I've wanted to, but it's been a stressful start to the year. Bebop and Simon both got sick, and Bebop is still having lots of issues. I haven't been sleeping well. The thought of watching one of them die reminds me of you, and it still hurts. I don't want to miss you anymore. You would be two and a half...you feel so far away me sweetheart. I never dream of you anymore...no connection. Nothing. But baby boy I still need you. I still want you, and I'll never let you go. Please don't let me go.

Merry Christmas Eve my little prince. I was in the kitchen baking cooking, and I thought about how you should be by my side...I let myself pretend for a moment that you where. Is that crazy? It's just not the same without you. I love you.

Hi my love,
 Mommy did it! I wrote song last night my little love. I was in the shower and it all came rushing over me; the lyrics and melody. I got out of the shower and just started writing until I was done. I wasn't sure what I was doing till I was done. I realized it was a song about us, my love for your daddy, and what life should have been for the three of us. Its about the circle of life, death, and love. It's actually going to be an alt country song my little man. I told your daddy that I thought I wrote a song, and he came over. I was so nervous singing it to see without any music. I cried when I got to the end, because it was about you. I miss you, and I am ready to sing about you. I want to have an ep called Phoenix Forever. I want to write love songs about you, because I love you so much. I'll share the lyrics with you my little man.

                                             THE BEST THING YET

YOU SPOKE YOUR LOVE,
AND I SAID MY VOWS.
I TOOK YOUR RING,
AND YOU TOOK MY CROWN.
SPINNIN' 'ROUND IN MY WEDDING DRESS
YOU WHISPERED IN MY EAR "YOU'RE THE BEST THHING YET"

CHORUS:

I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE


I'LL GIVE YOU THE WORDS
IF YOU GIVE ME A SONG
BUILD YOU A HOUSE
IF YOU GVE ME A HOME.
SPINNIN' ROUND IN MY SUMMER DRESS.
I WHISER IN YOUR EAR "YOU'RE THE BEST THING YET"

CHORUS:

I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE

GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE


I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE

YOU GAVE ME YOUR BODY
AND I GAVE YOU A CHILD
MADE OUT OF LOVE
AND ALL WE HAD.
SPINNIN' 'ROUND IN HIS SUNDAY BEST.
WE WHISPERED IN HIS EAR "YOUR THE BEST THING YET"

I wish you were here to sing too.

 

Hello my little love,
 I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Yesterday was the anniversary of you great gramma's passing. I really miss her. I miss you both. Sometimes (even though I love my life with you dad), I wish I was in the ether with you. Your daddy and I last night sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and talked about you, maw maw, and your grandma jo anne, and aunt becky. We talked about how we miss you. I started crying when we talked about your grave. I wish I had you with me. I know that you are getting lots of love wherever you are. I know you are the shining star, but I'm selfish and want you all to myself. It's just not my time yet to join you on the other side. I hope you like the swan ornament I picked out for you for our tree. I wish you could be here to celebrate the holidays with. You belong here. Baby boy, how long will this pain last? This hole...it never closes. I hope I see you in my dreams soon. That would be the best Christmas present ever. I love you my little man.

My little man,
 I miss you so much right now. I haven't been able to stop the tears. I hate this....I WANT YOU BACK! It's just not fair; I love you. My heart feels so empty right now. I opened your box, and just held your little blue blanket to my heart. I studied your little footprints...and the lines that made your prints yours. I looked at your pictures...your sweet little face...little nose and eyes that never opened. You were too tiny little man. You should be a toddler now, playing and talking, but your not. Your gone and I all I have is a little box of things and a grave. I'll never get over you. I will never never EVER get over you. I love you so much, and it hurts.

Hi little man!
 It s crazy that this should have been the week you were born. You due date was October 30th. I've gotten better about coping with this, but it's still hard. Lots of babies were born this month. I wish you ere here to celebrate with us. Your daddy and I had a lot of fun this weekend. We celebrated Halloween and Bebop's birthday. I love him so much.
 Phoenix, thank you for watching out for your daddy Friday. When he called me and said that he had been in a car accident I was so scared. My world stopped at the thought that he could have died. He walked away from everything with no injuries, and I know it's because you protected him. Thank you for that baby boy. I've barely made it through losing you. If I lost your daddy I would be so lost. I couldn't stop hugging and kissing him this weekend. I don't even like being away from him today. Baby boy, you have the greatest daddy in the world.
 I hope you had a god birthday party with your grandmother. I know your daddy misses her so much.
Phoenix, I let myself actually hope for something great this weekend. I smiled at the actual possibility of it. I felt that warmth I haven't felt in a long time. I need your help. I need you the most though.
 How are you? I know it's stupid question since I can't hear you, but I wish I could know. I wish I knew where you where. I just need a sign that you are ok...
    I love you.
 

Once your gone you can never come back...

Phoenix how are you my love. This is the month you would have been born if life was fair. October 30th was your due date. I have forgotten it my baby boy. I never will. I was really down the other day just wishing I was where  wanted to be in life. Then I watched a documentary about women fighting cancer on long island. It made me think of some many things and how I should be fighting for my life for those who don't get that choice. I thought of your grandmother, and how much your daddy misses her. I thought about how hard she fought for so long, and how I'll never get to met her. I know she is with you, and she is well now. I thought about all my friends who are battling this fight, and those who have lost someone. I realized though, I have lost you that MY fight isn't over yet. I can't roll over and give up, and I have to try to make this the best life possible for you.

Out of the blue into the black

 Phoenix, people tell me all the time that I am too sensitive for this world. That I feel to much for others, and that it will only continue to break my heart if I don't "toughen" up. I refuse to believe it though. I don't want to not care my little love. I want to be better, I want to be free of this pain. I want to grow into a greater human than I have been before. I've done things that I am not proud of, but I have changed for the better. You and your father gave me this truth...this gift. You made me see who I am supposed to be. Please guide me to the light, because I've fallen before. I want to be good, good for you. I want to change the world in your name; your beautiful precious sweet name. I want to be brave, and strong. I need this strength to get me through. You were brave my little love...you fought for your little life. I watched you. Now I need to fight for you. I love you so much. I don't want to let you down.

The King is gone but he's not forgotten.

You are always mine, and I am always yours my love.
Till we meet again in a place where there is no darkness.

                                    Love,
                                          Momma
 

Baby I miss you. I haven't been writing here much these days...I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm learning to hold it all in...the ache for you. I was feeling quite strong for the last few months, but lately I've felt that old depression creeping back in. The shear loneliness that no body can fill but you. Phoenix, I am love very deeply down here. You daddy proves that everyday. Your grandmother and great grandmother came to visit last week, and I was so sad when they left. I forgot how much I need them. I forgot how much I need you.
 I've been afraid lately that I won't ever see you again. That I've made up this idea in my head, that after I die we will be reunited again and I will float with you into the ether. What if it isn't true? What if you are already gone, and somebody else's baby? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? I need to know my little man. I need this peace in my heart. Two, years and I am still heartbroken. I thought I knew what heart break was until you died. Now, I know that nothing I experienced before your death could compare. Phoenix, I think about death all the time. Whose next? Who else will I lose before this life is over? I don't show it but it weights on me all the time. Your daddy is good, he can always tell when I am sad, even if I try to hide it. I still lie and say I'm ok anyways. I want him to be happy, he deserves it. He deserves you. If there is any way I can bring you back to me, could you give me a sign? I know I'm bargaining, I know it's critical in my grief, but what's so wrong in believing that there is still hope?


                              I LOVE YOU.

Hi my love,
 I know it's been a while since I wrote you. I've been in a daze, and I guess I've just kept my thoughts to you in my head. I hope you get them. I miss you so so much. I don't know how I have survived.
 Today is Max's Birthday. Will you tell him I said happy birthday, and give him a big hug from his mommy? It's not fair that we don't get to celebrate with you guys. I wish I could be there.
 Baby swans...I got it now baby boy...it all flooded through me the other night. I was such a grand epiphany, and I'm glad you made me finally see it.
 Phoenix, I love you. I feel like for the first time, my feet are coming back to earth. I need to live, I need to live for you. You are my angel, and I love you.

                          Your momma alaways.