My little prince,
 Can you believe sunday is going to be eleven months since you were born and died? I can't believe it. Then after that it will be the count down of my final days with you. I miss you so much little man.  have been crying myself to sleep again...the nights are always the hardest. I feel to most empty and alone then. I think of you, and the last time I saw you and it just hurts. I let out all the tears I have been holding in.
 Yesterday you daddy and I did some gardening together. I planted some celosias and a rose bush. The rose bush reminds me of you. Hope fully it will bloom and it will look like the fire from a phoenix...in honor of you. I think that is why I have gotten into gardening...I need to see new and beautiful life around me. I need to make things live for you. After we were done I went online to try and find decorations for the garden. Something for you. I haven't found anything yet, but please tell me if you see something you like...give me a sign my little love.
 Phoenix I miss you still like it was yesterday. Your daddy and I were at a bar friday night...there where three boys sitting there, and one was eating. I mean hovered over his plate shoveling the food in his mouth, just like a growing boy should. I thought about how I would never get to see you eat like that or would I ever get to cook for you. You will never kiss me on the cheek and say "I love you Ma." You'll never grow up with me, and get to drink at the bar with your friends. You are so far away from me, and I'll never get to be mine here o this earth. It makes me want to scream and cry until my heart splits open. Why couldn't I have you. Am I that bad of a person...did make such bad decisions when I was younger? I wish I could just go somewhere and wail...I mean, like, really let it all out.  I need you so bad...so does your daddy. I love him so much and I am so scared he will die too. I don't think I could take it.
 I'm starting a new job tomorrow baby. I'm scared, but I have a feeling you brought me to this place. I need people to be kind. I need to try and have some sort of life again, but I am scared that something will set me off. These people don't know about you baby, and I don't know what to say f they ask if I have children or anything like that. Please be with me tomorrow and help me get through the day. I need you so much. I wish I could know how things are up there for you? If you are with our families and they are taking care of you. I miss you all so much. Can you give Maw Maw a kiss for me. I was really missing the two of you last night. I even had a hint of the smell of her house last night while I was in bed. It was like I was there all over again. Baby I love you so much...
"If love could have saved you, you would live forever"
                                 All my heart.
                                        Momma

Hey my little love
 I just didn't want you to think I have forgotten about you. I didn't see your name anywhere yesterday and it made me so sad. Every time I see your name in a random place it makes me so happy, and I wish I could see it everywhere. We had a really good weekend. You dad is so sweet, and you and him would have been the best of friends. He so kind and generous, always putting me first. I wish I could show him how much he means to me. I wish you where with us. I know you are when you can be, I just with you where here to hold. I feel down today...you would make it all better. I hope you are still watching over us, and you love us as much as we do you. You're my everything honey.

Hey little guy,
 It's mother's day and I miss you. I woke up in tears, but the day is getting a little better. Had lunch with the family...your family. Your dad's family have shown me so much love. I wish you where here to meet them! Your daddy has been trying to cheer me up all day. He bought me the coolest plant, and I'll post pictures for you! He even told me happy mother's day and has been so sweet to me. He's putting up this cute little fence up in our yard so we can put plants in it...he really loves me, and you. We where at the beach the yesterday and we talked about you, and how we both see your name everywhere now. I like it when he talks about you. We both miss you. While there are moms out there getting presents and getting pampered I just want you. That would be the greatest gift of all. I love you.
                                     Momma

Hey honey!
 My friend's friends daughter is in the hospital and is really sick. Her name is Cassidy, could you watch over her today and help her if you can?
 Missing you more than ever these days...just a couple of days from Mother's Day. Mom's everywhere will be getting card and presents, homemade breakfast in bed, and showered with love from their children. Last year, Steven surprised me and bought me these beautiful flowers, a photo album, and the dumbest card I have ever gotten....it was supposed to be funny but the punchline on it was that in a few months I would be holding baby poop instead of lattes. He's misread the card, but it was so funny. Now I can't even look at that card without crying, even steven's sister Jen took me out to lunch and bought me these cute books. People already acknowledged I was a mommy! It made me feel so loved, that people where ready for you! We then went to a huge breakfast with his whole family on his dad's side, and then to his gradparents on the the other side. I kept thinking about how fun the next year was going to be with you in the world! But, you not and this year is just one painful reminder of what we have lost. I just want to crawl in a whole till august. Less than two months away till your 1st birthday... and you aren't here. I don't feel well. I smile, laugh, and do everything I can to keep it together on the inside, but I am not happy. I don't want to see anymore of these commercials...I don't want to to happy mother's with their babies. I just want to cry all the time, but I don't...I just keep it close till the lights are out and your daddy is asleep. I have gotten good at sheding my tears in the dark. The trick is slow breathes so as not to make any noise. You dad almost caught me last night, he was sleeping with his arms around me, and he woke up and felt my pillow under my face, it was wet from the tears. He popped up concerned to ask me what was wrong, but of course I lied and told him I was fine (I've gotten good at faking that voice too). I'm such a fake Phoenix. I don't know when I will be able to say "Wow I am 100 percent pre happy" People think that just because I am so good at pretending that I am ok, that I am. I just don't want to talk with anyone about you anymore, besides my friend Suzanne (Hey girl if you are reading this!). Everyone else just doesn't really get it. You are my little love ALWAYS! You are my son, and you are the most amazing creation ever! I wish you would come back to me, but that is selfish, because I know that where ever you are it's a better place than here.
 I had a dream I was murdered last night, on a train right in front of your dad. It was so scary. A mad stabbed me out of no where, and I just looked at you dad unable to speak. I love him so much! Even in my dream I just kept screaming in my mind "this isn't fair, I have to let him know hoe much I love him!" Then I woke up, scared and wrapped in his arms. I do love him, and he keeps me going. Thank you for bringing us together my little love. He loves you too my little prince. I know he thinks about you too.
 I am sorry I have been so dark lately my sweetheart. I am just broken hearted all over again. They say grief is an expression of your love for someone...without grief there would be no love. It's true honey...I love above all and I will never get over you. I love you inside and out. Please help me be strong little prince!
                         Always yours-
                               Momma

Hey honey.
 It's not even twelve and I just feel like crap. I interviewed over the phone for a job this morning and the guy pretty much made me feel like trash, because I didn't have the skills he wanted for the job. I was like "Did you even READ my resume?" I just can't take rejection anymore...I used to have a think skin(it took years to grow but it got nice and tough), but now any little rejection sends me into tears. It's like once again, here's the f'n failure, can't stay happy, can't get a new job now, can't keep her baby alive...I feel completely useless.
 There are mothers day commercials and signs everywhere. I love my momma, but I hate this day coming up! This should be my first with you, but your not here and I am so fucking sad! I'm sorry for the cuss words, but it's true...I am sure you can hear my thoughts anyways. I just want to go back to sleep baby...just stay under the covers where it is safe. I don't want to do anything this sunday...I have to remember it's hard on him too. His momma is up there with you and he misses her. I hope you guys are together, she sounds like she was a lot of fun! I hope both of our family are there together. I have really been missing Maw Maw too. I'm just hurting so much Phoenix.
 I have been reading another blog my a momma who lost her son to cancer last year. I wish I could be like her, she really lets it all out...anger and all. She started a foundation in his name and it's taking off, but no matter how hard she tries it will never bring her little man back. I am afraid that one day my anger is going to take control. like one day I am just going to lose it. I have tried to hard to be calm and understanding, but I feel that angry flame building. I can't stand the thought of living this whole life without you, it just doesn't seem right, or just...how does any mother or father do it? We need you baby! I feel like if you where here, things wouldn't be so bad, but now everything that is even a little bad or upsetting gets completely magnified because it's always backed up with the pain of you dead...the constant gnawing ache. Like yesterday, steven and I went to the carnival, and just walked around and ate a turkey leg and some cotton candy. We always have fun when we go out, but when we got home and all was quite...I got so sad. I missed you more than ever. Luckily your dad was fiixng our bed so I could shed a tear or two without him seeing. I have gotten really good at that...hiding tears. I just hide it all away...you birth and death date ate less than two months away. Oh god I can't believe it had been over 10 months. How have I made it this far.
 Please come see me soon in my dreams honey. I love you so much

Look Honey!!!! My high school pal Rhonda made shirts with your name on it for her walk in the march of dime today!!! Makes me so grateful for all the love you have gotten!!! I know I need to write you and tell you all about last weekend, it was just so much and I have been really down...but baby boy you a re loved and remembered so much down here! I hadn't seen your name in a couple of days, and I was getting sad, but this brought me back. You have made such an impact on so many souls. So many people love and are better people because of knowing your story. I love you so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!! Please watch over us and give everyone lots of hugs and kisses from me up there. I really miss you all so much. One day though I know I will get to be with you again. I can't wait to be near you again. I love you honey...always always always!

Ten Months...I almost made it through the day without crying. I love you.
-Momma