Hey honey.
It's not even twelve and I just feel like crap. I interviewed over the phone for a job this morning and the guy pretty much made me feel like trash, because I didn't have the skills he wanted for the job. I was like "Did you even READ my resume?" I just can't take rejection anymore...I used to have a think skin(it took years to grow but it got nice and tough), but now any little rejection sends me into tears. It's like once again, here's the f'n failure, can't stay happy, can't get a new job now, can't keep her baby alive...I feel completely useless.
There are mothers day commercials and signs everywhere. I love my momma, but I hate this day coming up! This should be my first with you, but your not here and I am so fucking sad! I'm sorry for the cuss words, but it's true...I am sure you can hear my thoughts anyways. I just want to go back to sleep baby...just stay under the covers where it is safe. I don't want to do anything this sunday...I have to remember it's hard on him too. His momma is up there with you and he misses her. I hope you guys are together, she sounds like she was a lot of fun! I hope both of our family are there together. I have really been missing Maw Maw too. I'm just hurting so much Phoenix.
I have been reading another blog my a momma who lost her son to cancer last year. I wish I could be like her, she really lets it all out...anger and all. She started a foundation in his name and it's taking off, but no matter how hard she tries it will never bring her little man back. I am afraid that one day my anger is going to take control. like one day I am just going to lose it. I have tried to hard to be calm and understanding, but I feel that angry flame building. I can't stand the thought of living this whole life without you, it just doesn't seem right, or just...how does any mother or father do it? We need you baby! I feel like if you where here, things wouldn't be so bad, but now everything that is even a little bad or upsetting gets completely magnified because it's always backed up with the pain of you dead...the constant gnawing ache. Like yesterday, steven and I went to the carnival, and just walked around and ate a turkey leg and some cotton candy. We always have fun when we go out, but when we got home and all was quite...I got so sad. I missed you more than ever. Luckily your dad was fiixng our bed so I could shed a tear or two without him seeing. I have gotten really good at that...hiding tears. I just hide it all away...you birth and death date ate less than two months away. Oh god I can't believe it had been over 10 months. How have I made it this far.
Please come see me soon in my dreams honey. I love you so much
It's not even twelve and I just feel like crap. I interviewed over the phone for a job this morning and the guy pretty much made me feel like trash, because I didn't have the skills he wanted for the job. I was like "Did you even READ my resume?" I just can't take rejection anymore...I used to have a think skin(it took years to grow but it got nice and tough), but now any little rejection sends me into tears. It's like once again, here's the f'n failure, can't stay happy, can't get a new job now, can't keep her baby alive...I feel completely useless.
There are mothers day commercials and signs everywhere. I love my momma, but I hate this day coming up! This should be my first with you, but your not here and I am so fucking sad! I'm sorry for the cuss words, but it's true...I am sure you can hear my thoughts anyways. I just want to go back to sleep baby...just stay under the covers where it is safe. I don't want to do anything this sunday...I have to remember it's hard on him too. His momma is up there with you and he misses her. I hope you guys are together, she sounds like she was a lot of fun! I hope both of our family are there together. I have really been missing Maw Maw too. I'm just hurting so much Phoenix.
I have been reading another blog my a momma who lost her son to cancer last year. I wish I could be like her, she really lets it all out...anger and all. She started a foundation in his name and it's taking off, but no matter how hard she tries it will never bring her little man back. I am afraid that one day my anger is going to take control. like one day I am just going to lose it. I have tried to hard to be calm and understanding, but I feel that angry flame building. I can't stand the thought of living this whole life without you, it just doesn't seem right, or just...how does any mother or father do it? We need you baby! I feel like if you where here, things wouldn't be so bad, but now everything that is even a little bad or upsetting gets completely magnified because it's always backed up with the pain of you dead...the constant gnawing ache. Like yesterday, steven and I went to the carnival, and just walked around and ate a turkey leg and some cotton candy. We always have fun when we go out, but when we got home and all was quite...I got so sad. I missed you more than ever. Luckily your dad was fiixng our bed so I could shed a tear or two without him seeing. I have gotten really good at that...hiding tears. I just hide it all away...you birth and death date ate less than two months away. Oh god I can't believe it had been over 10 months. How have I made it this far.
Please come see me soon in my dreams honey. I love you so much
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