When the war outside our door rages on

hold on to this lullaby

even when the music is gone

just close your eyes,

the sun is going down

you'll be alright

no one an hurt you now

come morning light

you and I will be safe and sound- Safe and Sound

I miss you.

Hello my sweet little love,
 I miss you so much. I haven't been able to write because I start anew job. It's so stressful, and I feel like I am going to split it two sometimes. I wish you were here.
 Today s the count down to the very last days of your life..On July 3rd you will be dead all over again. This year I was at least able to look back an the year before and remember you alive. After next week...it will all be over with. I don't know if I can take this Phoenix. I feel like I am hanging from a thread from a web, just slipping everyday. I on't know how to deal anymore. Everyone said when I started back working again I would eel better, but I don't...I feel sick, drained, and full of pain. I have just face the fact that the pain will never end, and you will be gone as long as I am alive.
 When I see you again we will never have to say goodbye.
I watched the whole series of this show six feel under...I am obsessd02 with shows about death now. This show was addictive Phoenix...make me think of you a lot. Death and your child should never be in the same thought. I watched the finale yesterday and I lost it. In the end thy show how all the main charaters die. One seen is when the mother died...she lost her son twenty years before. When sh was on her death bed she saw her son right before she passed. He was there to take her home. I cried and cried thinking that if I count my blessings you with be there the day I leave this earth. I love you so much I can't even take it.  always wonder when that day will come.
   I'm living to die for you.
I met a new mommy who lost her little girl layla last week. She called me Thursday and we talked all night. It sucks that we had to meet this way, but it was so wonderful to talk to someone who understands...just like all my other mommy friends who I adore. I know you brought us all together. I hop you are playing with layla, max, thomas, and kristopher. I hope you still love me from where ever you are, because I love you across the galaxies and beyond. Why did you have to die...you where perfect. You didn't deserve to suffer...I am the imperfect one...I am your mother. It should have been me. Baby I need strength...I need it more than ever. I love you with every bit of my soul. Guide me my little prince back to happiness. our daddy an I could use it. I LOVE YOU
 Seven Days Left......

Hi my sweet,
 I am so sorry I haven't written you in so long. It's been a long few weeks. I started a new job...back to the daily grind. It just makes me miss you more. I wish I was coming home to you, daddy, and simon. It's not fair how much I still miss you. Fifteen days until the worst day ever comes...they day you died. I am sick to my stomach over it.
 I found out last night that a friend of a friend lost her baby who was born premature. I hope you welcomed her with open arms my sweet. I broke down when I heard it...it kills me know knowing another mommy will have to have to deal the is insane pain of losing their baby. It's just not right.
 I had a dream about you last night baby. I walked into the room and you where dead again. The doctors were weighing you body. I picked you up and you started to breathe again, but the doctors said you where dying. I held you until you stopped breathing again..then you came back to life again. I was so upset because I know you where suffering. The doctor put a needle in your arm and told me you where going to die. I didn't understand because you you kept breathing and trying to live. I thought they were trying to kill you. I was so confused and didn't want you to suffer and I just kept holding you. I don't remember how it ended, but I woke up in the middle of the night and made myself remember what I could. I just wanted to be with you. It hurts so bad. I love you with all of my heart...some days I don't know how I have made it this far. I don't now how anyone can live their whole life without their baby. I wish I could dream of you more, and you would be alive. I wish you where alive.
 I love you angel...

Believe in me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiV6wWmqNzk

At three a.m. this morning eleven months ago you died. I feel empty...