Hi my little one. Your daddy and I are here at the studio waiting out this hurricane. I am not going to lie, I'm a little scared. Tomorrow would have been your due date, but instead we will be here hoping that we have a home to come back too. I feel drained little one, I feel like I am at my ropes end. Your daddy and I have been through so much, why can't we just catch a break. I wish you where here, but at the same tie I know I would just be so worried about you. I guess you are safer than us. I am sorry we couldn't make it out to your grave to get your things, I know they will be gone when we get back there. Maybe you could help me pick out somethings. I love you soooo much Phoenix. I wish this wasn't reality. I wish it was bright and sunny, and I had you in my arms. Watch over us my perfect little boy. You are always mine, and I am always yours.

You are my light.

My sweetness.
 Today is the day we remember all of the babies that didn't make it far in this life. Tonight I will light thins candle in memory of you, jude and all the other babies I have met becasue of you. ou should be here, close to celebrating your first birthday. It still feels so unreal. I was looking at baby memorial saying yesterday, and tried so hard not to cry. Though I did tear up, your daddy came over and distracted me. He loves me so much, and he loves you angel.

We had a beiatiful weekend my little love. We drove out to Riverhead to pick pumpkins, ums and to go to the wineries. We got hot cocoa for the ride. Riverhead is one of our favorite places, it like being out in the middle of the country little man. It makes me me feel at ease, and during autumn, it's the best. Hay rides, and roasted corn, every place is open. It made me love the fall for the first time snce you died. We went to our favorite winery, and ate cheese and cured meats, and chocolates. You daddy got all of my favorites, because he wants me to be happy. We talked, we talked about you at some points. Little things, but I was glad to talk about you. Then we went to the pumpkin patch, we found four awesome ones, I took pictures of your dad, and I picking them!

Then we went, and picked out mums! I got for baskets of them, and the were so pretty!!! I wanted all of them!!! We stopped by another winery and got a bottle to take home. It was so awesome!! Then, we went home, watched fights and ghost story shows and ate the rest of our goodies. Yesterday was a very creative day for me!! I planted the mums, and decorated the yard for Fall. I t looked really nice! You daddy made me breakfast...everything from scratch!!! It was so so so good!! Then we went to the store, and got everything we needed for the week! When I came home I panted your candle for tonight. The the cleaning bug got to me, and I scrubbed the kitchen, while your daddy watched football. It was pretty funny (he works so hard, and I wanted to do something nice for him). He made awesome bbq for dinner, we just relaxed, drank wne and ate. Phoenix  haven't had a relaxing weekend like that in  while. Your dad and I always have a good time, but I think it was good for us to just put our worries away for a weekend, and just be us...like we have always been. Pheonix, you are lucky little man, your daddy is amazing! He loves us both so much. You would have had so much fun wth us! I kept thinking, that you would be walking by now, and you would have been able to pick a pumpkin. I hope you where with us. I miss you so much!!
 Max's little sister made it into the world safely this morning!!! I hope you where with her n her journey here! I am so happy she made it into Suzanne's arms. This month is more bearbale now, just because she was born. It won't always be the crappy month, that reminds me of how my life should be...not this shitty reality. It's is Alex's month now.
 I hope you get my letters. I wish I could just hold you for five seonds...one second, anything. Phoenix, if you ever need me, I am here please come to me. I wish you would. I hope you are safe my little man. I love you. I love you. I love you.