Hi baby boy,
I feel so low today...chistmas was great until the end of the night. You dad and I got in a fight over something stupid, and I lost my mind. spent the rest of the evening crying my eyes out over you. I realized I was trying so hard to make this a happy christmas, that I hadn't dealt with how much I was missing you. After all the tree, and presents, and laughter, family...it just won't be ok. I'll never have you, Instead of giving you toys and cuddling you and making you breakfast I get to sit at your grave with red carnations in my hands. Nobody talks about you anymore little love...I know people miss you, but they don't say you name. I really gave your dad a hard time last night, but I don't think I know how to cope anymore. I am beginning to realize how much the pain is taking it's tole. Ie tried so hard to bury it, and make light in my life...but deep down I feel darkness. How am I going to get through this life without you! Your dad is a good man, and I don't want to hurt him. I just can't control my emotions anymore...who I was before you is dead too.
I was talking to a guy friend of our at a chrstmas party saturday about you. He and his wife lost a baby too. He asked me why I don't come out and sing with them. I told him, that after you died my world grayed I have no more passion for the things I used to love greatly. That has all been replaced with my passion for you. He understood, and he even said "What really freaks you out, is when you have a day, and you actually feel ok." He was right...I thought I was having more of those....but I was fooling myself. My heart is still completed ripped into pieces Phoenix. I guess I am in the the anger and bargening stages of my grief...I get so irritated at everything, and I find myself thinking, "Maybe if I ask God, to rewind time he could...just for me. I won't tell anyone." But I need to get real, you aren't here anymore. I can't take it. I wish I could be with you.
I feel so low today...chistmas was great until the end of the night. You dad and I got in a fight over something stupid, and I lost my mind. spent the rest of the evening crying my eyes out over you. I realized I was trying so hard to make this a happy christmas, that I hadn't dealt with how much I was missing you. After all the tree, and presents, and laughter, family...it just won't be ok. I'll never have you, Instead of giving you toys and cuddling you and making you breakfast I get to sit at your grave with red carnations in my hands. Nobody talks about you anymore little love...I know people miss you, but they don't say you name. I really gave your dad a hard time last night, but I don't think I know how to cope anymore. I am beginning to realize how much the pain is taking it's tole. Ie tried so hard to bury it, and make light in my life...but deep down I feel darkness. How am I going to get through this life without you! Your dad is a good man, and I don't want to hurt him. I just can't control my emotions anymore...who I was before you is dead too.
I was talking to a guy friend of our at a chrstmas party saturday about you. He and his wife lost a baby too. He asked me why I don't come out and sing with them. I told him, that after you died my world grayed I have no more passion for the things I used to love greatly. That has all been replaced with my passion for you. He understood, and he even said "What really freaks you out, is when you have a day, and you actually feel ok." He was right...I thought I was having more of those....but I was fooling myself. My heart is still completed ripped into pieces Phoenix. I guess I am in the the anger and bargening stages of my grief...I get so irritated at everything, and I find myself thinking, "Maybe if I ask God, to rewind time he could...just for me. I won't tell anyone." But I need to get real, you aren't here anymore. I can't take it. I wish I could be with you.
