My sweet boy,
 I'm listening to your playlist right now. Tried to start cleaning the house but, I just needed to write you. I'm so unhappy right now. I'm tryng so hard my little man, to be strong for you. In a month and  half it s going to be two years since you where born, and two years since you died. You would have been a toddler next month. I would be planning your second party. You would be walking and talking, maybe even saying momma. I've felt so sick over this lately. Your dad and I have had so  much on our plates. I wish something good would happen for us. We just need something, but at least we have each other. You dad tries to hard to keep me happy, and I am so lucky to have him. He keeps me going, even when he drives me nuts. Sometimes at night while he is sleeping, and he has his arms around me I just pull him close. I pull his as tight as I can next to me and try to remember everything about him, his eyes, hair, face, body, and his smell. I am so afraid that one day I won't get that chance. I think about that all the time, who else will be ripped from me before I end this life. How many more times will m heart break? Will I be here alone? I get so anxious over the thought of dying and never getting to see any of you again. I haven't felt you in a while baby boy. I haven't even had a dream of you. I dream of maw maw janice all the time, maybe she could bring you with her next time? I miss you both.I'll always miss you both, but this is the world I have to live in right now. The world of the living. The world of the breathing. Could you give me a sign you are still with me? I need it right now baby. Love you to the moon and back.

Hi my little man.
I was just going through all the poems I have written about you. I know it's been a long time since I have written you. I've been in a funk little man, it's like I just can't even handle missing you anymore. Even though I have been working on you March of Dimes fundraiser I still haven't been ale to sit and think about you. It's like my heart is just worn out little guy. No one ever talks about how exhausting it is just to grieve. Just know though that you are always in my heart. Two months until your birthday. 2 years baby...two fucking years without you. People keep telling me that it will get easier, and it's not. I'm becoming angry a lot more lately. Not at anyone, just internally. I just want to scream sometimes because I need you so bad. I don't want to be so mad, but I am love. I want you to be down here with daddy and I. You belong here. Mother's day is next week. Ugh fuck that day, we have to go to your great grandmother's to celebrate, but I just want to stay in bed, or maybe plant flowers. I don't need any more reminders that you aren't here, and that people don't think of me as a mother. It just agitates me. Anyways love, I don't mean to be so negative. This is why I haven't written, you need a happy mommy. I would be happy if you where here. I love you baby.