I sit on the bare sand and watch the bay push and pull the tide.

The sun glows orange streaks through the blue and pink,

The sky water colored in beauty.

 I wait for you to run out of the water,

Shells in your hands and wet from the sea.

Your face tanned by the sunlight and your eyes bright with wonder.

“Mommy look what I found,” and you drop the treasures in my hand.

I take your little arms and put them around my neck,

“I love you my little man.”

 

 I craw up the hill,

The sun has given  the sky to the night.

It’s quiet under the strength of the tree.

Little bugs flicker through the dusk,

They bring your little dreams to life as you chase their sparks.

You laugh, and it open up my heart. 

We run. We run forever throughout the night.

Hand in hand:

You and I, my little man.

 

I come through the door, and pull my pj’s over my head.

I take the covers out and slide into the bed.

 Lay my head on your daddy’s chest to feel his breath;

Rise and fall under the rest of sleep.

I let them slide, wet and hot through my cries.


Silently holding this withered pain.

The heart begins to melt under the heat.

The pain so strong I can’t compete.

I wait for you in this bed for you to say,

“Mommy I love you. Please don’t cry.”

 

But the wait will never end, because you my little love are gone.

My baby boy died, and we will never walk in the sun.

I'll always love you my little man.

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant at twenty weeks, and I was in the hospital. I was bleeding and I knew I was going to lose that baby too. What if this comes true baby boy? Will I ever get to be a mommy to an earth child? I cried a lot last night thinking of how much I miss you. I just have such a hard time talking about you anymore. It's like I just want to keep to tucked safely inside with me. I smile al the time, but inside.... it. just. hurts. In less than a week it will be two years since we said hello, and we didn't get to say goodbye. I did get to tell you I loved you though, but that didn't save you. Reality is a cold gust of wind: it wipes away the fantasy of you coming back to life. There is part of me that says, "It's time to let go," but I can't....I just can't. If I do then you really are dead. That thought splits my heart and sucks the air our of my lungs. I feel sick even thinking about it. As much as I don't want it to be true, it is.
 The other night your dad and I explored this beach/ park we go to all the time. We climbed up this hill as the sun set and watched the water. It was beautiful. We then began to walk through the paths of green grass and tall trees. Then, like magic all of these fireflies came out. It was so serine, and majestic. It was like we were in another world. I stopped and stood still watching their bright little lights beam on and off. As they sparked through the night I thought about you. You would have been so enchanted. I would have taught you to let them be wild and free, let them live so they can bring light to everyone. I didn't tell your daddy, because I didn't want to make him sad. You should have been there my little prince. I would have shown you everything that is good in the world. You were the best thing on this planet. Will I ever get to see you again my little star? No, you aren't just a star; you are a nebulas. You were a star when you were here, but when you died you broke free and became the greatest beauty in the sky. You are greater than a star. You are my universe. I love you to infinity and back. It's raining, and I wish you where here to cuddle with.

I love you little man. Your 2nd birthday is coming soon, and I wish you where here. Goodnight my little dream. Mommy misses you.