Hi little man!
 It s crazy that this should have been the week you were born. You due date was October 30th. I've gotten better about coping with this, but it's still hard. Lots of babies were born this month. I wish you ere here to celebrate with us. Your daddy and I had a lot of fun this weekend. We celebrated Halloween and Bebop's birthday. I love him so much.
 Phoenix, thank you for watching out for your daddy Friday. When he called me and said that he had been in a car accident I was so scared. My world stopped at the thought that he could have died. He walked away from everything with no injuries, and I know it's because you protected him. Thank you for that baby boy. I've barely made it through losing you. If I lost your daddy I would be so lost. I couldn't stop hugging and kissing him this weekend. I don't even like being away from him today. Baby boy, you have the greatest daddy in the world.
 I hope you had a god birthday party with your grandmother. I know your daddy misses her so much.
Phoenix, I let myself actually hope for something great this weekend. I smiled at the actual possibility of it. I felt that warmth I haven't felt in a long time. I need your help. I need you the most though.
 How are you? I know it's stupid question since I can't hear you, but I wish I could know. I wish I knew where you where. I just need a sign that you are ok...
    I love you.
 

Once your gone you can never come back...

Phoenix how are you my love. This is the month you would have been born if life was fair. October 30th was your due date. I have forgotten it my baby boy. I never will. I was really down the other day just wishing I was where  wanted to be in life. Then I watched a documentary about women fighting cancer on long island. It made me think of some many things and how I should be fighting for my life for those who don't get that choice. I thought of your grandmother, and how much your daddy misses her. I thought about how hard she fought for so long, and how I'll never get to met her. I know she is with you, and she is well now. I thought about all my friends who are battling this fight, and those who have lost someone. I realized though, I have lost you that MY fight isn't over yet. I can't roll over and give up, and I have to try to make this the best life possible for you.

Out of the blue into the black

 Phoenix, people tell me all the time that I am too sensitive for this world. That I feel to much for others, and that it will only continue to break my heart if I don't "toughen" up. I refuse to believe it though. I don't want to not care my little love. I want to be better, I want to be free of this pain. I want to grow into a greater human than I have been before. I've done things that I am not proud of, but I have changed for the better. You and your father gave me this truth...this gift. You made me see who I am supposed to be. Please guide me to the light, because I've fallen before. I want to be good, good for you. I want to change the world in your name; your beautiful precious sweet name. I want to be brave, and strong. I need this strength to get me through. You were brave my little love...you fought for your little life. I watched you. Now I need to fight for you. I love you so much. I don't want to let you down.

The King is gone but he's not forgotten.

You are always mine, and I am always yours my love.
Till we meet again in a place where there is no darkness.

                                    Love,
                                          Momma