Hey honey!
 My friend's friends daughter is in the hospital and is really sick. Her name is Cassidy, could you watch over her today and help her if you can?
 Missing you more than ever these days...just a couple of days from Mother's Day. Mom's everywhere will be getting card and presents, homemade breakfast in bed, and showered with love from their children. Last year, Steven surprised me and bought me these beautiful flowers, a photo album, and the dumbest card I have ever gotten....it was supposed to be funny but the punchline on it was that in a few months I would be holding baby poop instead of lattes. He's misread the card, but it was so funny. Now I can't even look at that card without crying, even steven's sister Jen took me out to lunch and bought me these cute books. People already acknowledged I was a mommy! It made me feel so loved, that people where ready for you! We then went to a huge breakfast with his whole family on his dad's side, and then to his gradparents on the the other side. I kept thinking about how fun the next year was going to be with you in the world! But, you not and this year is just one painful reminder of what we have lost. I just want to crawl in a whole till august. Less than two months away till your 1st birthday... and you aren't here. I don't feel well. I smile, laugh, and do everything I can to keep it together on the inside, but I am not happy. I don't want to see anymore of these commercials...I don't want to to happy mother's with their babies. I just want to cry all the time, but I don't...I just keep it close till the lights are out and your daddy is asleep. I have gotten good at sheding my tears in the dark. The trick is slow breathes so as not to make any noise. You dad almost caught me last night, he was sleeping with his arms around me, and he woke up and felt my pillow under my face, it was wet from the tears. He popped up concerned to ask me what was wrong, but of course I lied and told him I was fine (I've gotten good at faking that voice too). I'm such a fake Phoenix. I don't know when I will be able to say "Wow I am 100 percent pre happy" People think that just because I am so good at pretending that I am ok, that I am. I just don't want to talk with anyone about you anymore, besides my friend Suzanne (Hey girl if you are reading this!). Everyone else just doesn't really get it. You are my little love ALWAYS! You are my son, and you are the most amazing creation ever! I wish you would come back to me, but that is selfish, because I know that where ever you are it's a better place than here.
 I had a dream I was murdered last night, on a train right in front of your dad. It was so scary. A mad stabbed me out of no where, and I just looked at you dad unable to speak. I love him so much! Even in my dream I just kept screaming in my mind "this isn't fair, I have to let him know hoe much I love him!" Then I woke up, scared and wrapped in his arms. I do love him, and he keeps me going. Thank you for bringing us together my little love. He loves you too my little prince. I know he thinks about you too.
 I am sorry I have been so dark lately my sweetheart. I am just broken hearted all over again. They say grief is an expression of your love for someone...without grief there would be no love. It's true honey...I love above all and I will never get over you. I love you inside and out. Please help me be strong little prince!
                         Always yours-
                               Momma