Baby I miss you. I haven't been writing here much these days...I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm learning to hold it all in...the ache for you. I was feeling quite strong for the last few months, but lately I've felt that old depression creeping back in. The shear loneliness that no body can fill but you. Phoenix, I am love very deeply down here. You daddy proves that everyday. Your grandmother and great grandmother came to visit last week, and I was so sad when they left. I forgot how much I need them. I forgot how much I need you.
 I've been afraid lately that I won't ever see you again. That I've made up this idea in my head, that after I die we will be reunited again and I will float with you into the ether. What if it isn't true? What if you are already gone, and somebody else's baby? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? I need to know my little man. I need this peace in my heart. Two, years and I am still heartbroken. I thought I knew what heart break was until you died. Now, I know that nothing I experienced before your death could compare. Phoenix, I think about death all the time. Whose next? Who else will I lose before this life is over? I don't show it but it weights on me all the time. Your daddy is good, he can always tell when I am sad, even if I try to hide it. I still lie and say I'm ok anyways. I want him to be happy, he deserves it. He deserves you. If there is any way I can bring you back to me, could you give me a sign? I know I'm bargaining, I know it's critical in my grief, but what's so wrong in believing that there is still hope?


                              I LOVE YOU.