"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And
whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."
~Author Unknown
whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."
~Author Unknown
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Oh Phoenix, it will be your daddy's birthday tomorrow. I hope you will be watching him fom up above, and send him butterfly kisses. Tonight was a good night until now. We went and had diner with you grandpa steve and aunt jen. We hadn't seen them in a while. I was in a really great mood the whole time till the dive back home. I was talking with steven in the back set, and when I turned around to say something to him, BAM, there it was, the place I hate more than anywhere in the world. GOOD-FUCKING- SAMARITAN! The hospital you died in, the place where my world shattered ...the worse place in the whole, whole world, lit up behind your father's face. Phoenix, I felt sick...I felt all the emotions. My mouth ran dry and my voice got tight. I couldn't run from it: that building still existed, which meant you are still dead, and you really aren't ever coming back. You know what the worst part is though baby boy? I didn't even notice when we passed by on the way to eat. I was so busy talking I didn't even fucking notice!! I hate myself for this. I miss you so much...I can't take it. I forget sometimes, that I am a mother to a dead baby, and then it all comes flooding back, threatening the fabric of my sanity. I just needed to cry...your dad knew I was upset, and I tried my best to act like nothing happened. I just can't go by that place..I'll never be ok with it. You DIED there, and I don't know why anyone could see why I WOULD be ok driving past there. You died...and I wasn't even there to comfort you. I am the worst. I will never, never, never going myself for letting them take you from me, and not fighting to get in that ambulance with you. There is nothing that will ever change that...it will go with me to my grave. I feel so alone sometimes...you should be here. Your daddy and I have had the whole week off to spent together. I love him so much. We went to the aquarium, I wish you would have been there to see all the fish and animals. So any kids whee there...blissfully happy with their parents. They got to keep thier babies, and they got to go the aquarium and see aquatic life, and eat ices cream, and go on rides, but not you baby...your gone, and I LOVE YOU ALWAYS! I am so sorry I am so negative today, just seeing that hell-on-earth brought me down to my knees. Please forgive me Phoenix...Momma loves you so much.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Hi my angel. This weekend was mommy and daddy's two year anniversary, and I did what I thought I wouldn't be able to do or a long time. I sang sweetness. Your daddy and I drank wine, and started to play music again! We were able to fill our home again with that happiness I never thought we would be able to. I know you where there with my my little angel. Plus, my voice sounded better that it had in a long time! I felt so comfortable like I had never stopped. I know you brought the song back to me. I just wish it was you singing with us. I miss you too much some times, I woke up in the middle of the night again, the other night and cried for you. It's striking how much it hurts sometimes. I wish I knew where you where, but I guess you are everywhere now my love. I wish I could feel you, I haven't in a while. I wish I could just have one minute with you again on this earth, or even just a dreams. Pretty sad huh, wishing for a dream. I just wish I knew that you where happy my prince. Thank you for bring back the melody...I love you always.
Your Momma.
p.s. Thanks for playing your song again when I talked about you and max the other day in the car...I think daddy is starting to believe to that it's a sign.
Your Momma.
p.s. Thanks for playing your song again when I talked about you and max the other day in the car...I think daddy is starting to believe to that it's a sign.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Hi my wild and free little prince-
I listened to a band that I thought I would never listen to again Phoenix: Cloud Cult. I used to love this bad...I would listen to the songs and cry, just cry because it seemed so painful. The lead singer and his wife lost their son at two years old. He died in his sleep, it was the first time that ever really reached me; little babies die. My heart hurt for these people so much, and I wanted to share their pain. I even equated the pain I felt in my life before you to these songs, I was blissfully unaware of the fact I would understand these songs better than I could ever imagine. Two days before you died I downloaded all the cloud cult albums to give a listen too. You died and I buried those tunes in the back of my head, knowing the shame of who I was when I listen them before. I knew this music was going to resonate with me like no other now. I related to the point I couldn't even listen to one note, and computing how long it would take to put me back together after I did try to listen.
Today I listened to them for the first time since you died. I am so grateful for these songs; completely in tuned with the reality of the grief that comes forth after losing a child. I needed it more than I knew. I have a place I can go when I need that break from this world, and I just need to be with you, no matter if it's just to cry or dream about how much I love you. This song is one of my favorites http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENM0mkwzAfc It's how I want to sing to you, a chorus of voices hailing you sweet name. When do start to write again, I am going to make it my very best for you my sweetness. I needed that cry today...I have gotten so used to controling my sadness I guess I need to get it out more than I realize.
Phoenix, I am sad, but joyous. It's Max's birthday in just a couple of hours. I hate Suzanne doesn't have him in her arms, but I am grateful to know about his life. I am honored to know another precious boy just like you. One that is perfect in everyday, and is buddies with you! I know you two are pals, and watching over us. Give him lots of hugs from his Mother and I tomorrow. I hope he sees all the beautiful things that are going on in his memory! I love you so much honey, it hurts so bad at moments. I just wish you where here...
Love,
Momma
I listened to a band that I thought I would never listen to again Phoenix: Cloud Cult. I used to love this bad...I would listen to the songs and cry, just cry because it seemed so painful. The lead singer and his wife lost their son at two years old. He died in his sleep, it was the first time that ever really reached me; little babies die. My heart hurt for these people so much, and I wanted to share their pain. I even equated the pain I felt in my life before you to these songs, I was blissfully unaware of the fact I would understand these songs better than I could ever imagine. Two days before you died I downloaded all the cloud cult albums to give a listen too. You died and I buried those tunes in the back of my head, knowing the shame of who I was when I listen them before. I knew this music was going to resonate with me like no other now. I related to the point I couldn't even listen to one note, and computing how long it would take to put me back together after I did try to listen.
Today I listened to them for the first time since you died. I am so grateful for these songs; completely in tuned with the reality of the grief that comes forth after losing a child. I needed it more than I knew. I have a place I can go when I need that break from this world, and I just need to be with you, no matter if it's just to cry or dream about how much I love you. This song is one of my favorites http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENM0mkwzAfc It's how I want to sing to you, a chorus of voices hailing you sweet name. When do start to write again, I am going to make it my very best for you my sweetness. I needed that cry today...I have gotten so used to controling my sadness I guess I need to get it out more than I realize.
Phoenix, I am sad, but joyous. It's Max's birthday in just a couple of hours. I hate Suzanne doesn't have him in her arms, but I am grateful to know about his life. I am honored to know another precious boy just like you. One that is perfect in everyday, and is buddies with you! I know you two are pals, and watching over us. Give him lots of hugs from his Mother and I tomorrow. I hope he sees all the beautiful things that are going on in his memory! I love you so much honey, it hurts so bad at moments. I just wish you where here...
Love,
Momma
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Hi my little dream,
Well today is the first quiet day I've had in a while. My friend came to visit, and we had a good time. I have just been so worn out lately my love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be normal again, and not be this anxious ball on the inside. You dad was a saint this week, and I don't deserve him. Phoenix, I don't know what is wrong with me lately...I have been so angry and lonely. I ind myself being argumentative and being ore aggressiveness that I normally am. I've been taking it out in the strangest ways, and I for a couple of days I new I was just being a mean person, but just didn't care. Not really to anyone in particular...just all around. I don't know what wrong with me. I haven't been thinking about you as much, because I don't want you to be part of that anger...july was so hard. I feel back into bad habits and everything, just to cope. I feel like I am back to draggin' myself out of bed again, just trying to hold on to something. How can I feel like I am just siding back all over again. My friend kept comparing me to my old formal self...my destructive bad habits, and pretty much insinuating I can't keep up like I used to. There where point where I wanted to scream..."I am not the same person I was in Georgia! Life actually has meaning like it never did back then, that girl id fucking dead.Get over it." Of course I didn't but it was so hard. I guess that is why I get so nervous spending time with people back home for to long. They don't really understand how different I am now, and maybe won't love me like they used. She does though, and she is like a sister to me...it's just so hard baby boy. I'm going back home for my birthday in November with you daddy. I'm nervous. I just feel insane.
You daddy said that he hears your song now everywhere. That made me happy, because I know he thinks of you too now when he hears it. It shows me that you are with him too right little love. I wish I could ream of you every night...hold you and kiss you, never let you go. I wish I could just sleep and call you to me, and you would just hold my fingers and coo, smiling in the heaven that you are in. I daydream about me being up there with you, and getting to see you for the first time. I know that won't happen till I die, it seems so unfair...to have to die to get to meet your son again. People just don't understand, I will never get to be with you on this earth. I will live the rest of my life with this huge hole inside that will never be filled.
Max's birthday is right around the corner...I feel so sad for his mother, my friend. I hope you are planing something nice for him. I love you so much baby.
Well today is the first quiet day I've had in a while. My friend came to visit, and we had a good time. I have just been so worn out lately my love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be normal again, and not be this anxious ball on the inside. You dad was a saint this week, and I don't deserve him. Phoenix, I don't know what is wrong with me lately...I have been so angry and lonely. I ind myself being argumentative and being ore aggressiveness that I normally am. I've been taking it out in the strangest ways, and I for a couple of days I new I was just being a mean person, but just didn't care. Not really to anyone in particular...just all around. I don't know what wrong with me. I haven't been thinking about you as much, because I don't want you to be part of that anger...july was so hard. I feel back into bad habits and everything, just to cope. I feel like I am back to draggin' myself out of bed again, just trying to hold on to something. How can I feel like I am just siding back all over again. My friend kept comparing me to my old formal self...my destructive bad habits, and pretty much insinuating I can't keep up like I used to. There where point where I wanted to scream..."I am not the same person I was in Georgia! Life actually has meaning like it never did back then, that girl id fucking dead.Get over it." Of course I didn't but it was so hard. I guess that is why I get so nervous spending time with people back home for to long. They don't really understand how different I am now, and maybe won't love me like they used. She does though, and she is like a sister to me...it's just so hard baby boy. I'm going back home for my birthday in November with you daddy. I'm nervous. I just feel insane.
You daddy said that he hears your song now everywhere. That made me happy, because I know he thinks of you too now when he hears it. It shows me that you are with him too right little love. I wish I could ream of you every night...hold you and kiss you, never let you go. I wish I could just sleep and call you to me, and you would just hold my fingers and coo, smiling in the heaven that you are in. I daydream about me being up there with you, and getting to see you for the first time. I know that won't happen till I die, it seems so unfair...to have to die to get to meet your son again. People just don't understand, I will never get to be with you on this earth. I will live the rest of my life with this huge hole inside that will never be filled.
Max's birthday is right around the corner...I feel so sad for his mother, my friend. I hope you are planing something nice for him. I love you so much baby.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Hi my sweetness,
I've been posting about the still project all over the internet, and I hoped you liked the video. I miss you honey. Today is Elana's birthday, please give her hugs, because somehow I know you are friends too. Phoenix, this weekend we were talking about Max's birthday after we bought his donation gifts, and then I started talking about you, and guess what...you song came immediately on. I looked at you daddy with such a shocked face, and started crying...but they where good tears baby. I just love you so much, and I love every sign I get from you. You are my angel honey.
I feel like people are forgetting about you, when I first lost you people really seemed to care. When I finally got back on facebook people went out of their way to help in anyway for your memory...now people just read over what I post about you now (except for a few amazing people, that I am sooo truly blessed to keep fighting for me, and you my love). It's like people feel like I should just stop talking about you, and that will never happen..you are alive within me my baby boy. You will always be alive, you will always be talked about in our home, and if people don't like it then they can kick rocks. I love you with everything in me heart baby boy.
Phoenix, if you can...can you give daddy a sign today? He really needs some love, things have been really tuff for him lately, but he is being so strong. He loves us so much little boy. Thank you for bringing us even closer together. I can't imagine a world without him, and it undying love. Even at my worst he never gives up on me. I wish you where here to know him. You would have been the best of friends. Baby I'll write you soon, and I love you so so so so much!!! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELANA!
I've been posting about the still project all over the internet, and I hoped you liked the video. I miss you honey. Today is Elana's birthday, please give her hugs, because somehow I know you are friends too. Phoenix, this weekend we were talking about Max's birthday after we bought his donation gifts, and then I started talking about you, and guess what...you song came immediately on. I looked at you daddy with such a shocked face, and started crying...but they where good tears baby. I just love you so much, and I love every sign I get from you. You are my angel honey.
I feel like people are forgetting about you, when I first lost you people really seemed to care. When I finally got back on facebook people went out of their way to help in anyway for your memory...now people just read over what I post about you now (except for a few amazing people, that I am sooo truly blessed to keep fighting for me, and you my love). It's like people feel like I should just stop talking about you, and that will never happen..you are alive within me my baby boy. You will always be alive, you will always be talked about in our home, and if people don't like it then they can kick rocks. I love you with everything in me heart baby boy.
Phoenix, if you can...can you give daddy a sign today? He really needs some love, things have been really tuff for him lately, but he is being so strong. He loves us so much little boy. Thank you for bringing us even closer together. I can't imagine a world without him, and it undying love. Even at my worst he never gives up on me. I wish you where here to know him. You would have been the best of friends. Baby I'll write you soon, and I love you so so so so much!!! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELANA!
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