I'm listening to your song right now, and missing you so much! I cried myself to sleep again last night, I have learned to do it quietly so I don't wake your dad. He works so hard, and I don't want to make him worry about me. It's better I deal with these emotions on my own sometimes.  cried again after your daddy left for work, and I am crying again. I think I am down on this roller coaster ride. October is coming, and I came to a realization that I will always live in to parallel worlds: the reality of this life where you died, and the one where I will always imagine you alive with us. October was the month of your Due date...October 30th...I'll never forget. But you won't be having a birthday party will you? I will spend my birthday a week later without you, but I'll still have you in my heart. I hate that this month is coming, I didn't realize how hard it would be, but I am trying baby. I even told your dad that we should dress up for Halloween. I would have made you the best costume ever, but you aren't here...your not here and I still can't even accept it. I just keep thinking that if I could just do something time will spill backwards and you will live. I still can't grasp it, and I guess I haven't faced it still. I don't know if I can handle it my love. You mean everything to me.           I have realized  have kept my focus on trying to get healthy and working out because of all the weight I have gained. It's like I gained it on purpose so I could fixate on something besides you...because when I think of you it just hurts so much. How do I live in both of these world my love...I don't even dream of you anymore, and t kills me. I tried to remember you the way you where, but the memory is fading and I can't remember every detail of your tiny little body. But at the same time, it means I can't remember fully the way you suffered...I say that but it's not true...I remember every single second of it. I remember your little coffin, I wish I could have been me. You didn't deserve to suffer...you deserved better. I'm just so sad Phoenix,  need you.

Hi my little love! Well we didn't go to hemmlock cove saturday! To be honest, I was happy because I just don't know how I would feel being there. I have missed you so much lately. For some reason the fall season coming on is kinda getting to me. I guess it's because I still associate it with your due date. I know your birthday is july, but I guess I am just reliing my grief all over. I am trying my best to try and do something this year for halloween, and try to make the holidays fun. It just hurts though, because this would be your second string of holidays...but you are here. It's jusnt another reminder that you aren't here. I have to be stronger.
 aturday night I made your father watch the rest of the Kill Bill movies. I loved both of them, and watching them now after you died made such an impact. In the story the mothers thinks she lost her baby daughter after she was beaten by the baby's father and three assasins. Then he shot her in the head, she winds up recovering from the coma and seeking revenge for her child she thought she lost. She goes on a revenge spree to avenge her. I imagine myself being that person...it makes me eel beter sometimes...just taking on the world and fighting for your memory. At the end of the movie she get's to Bill's house, to find her daughter there! That moment...oh god, when she sees here duagher made me fight back the tears. Her dreams came true...her little girl was alive, and she fought the battles to find her again. I wish that could happen in real life...if I fought hard enough I would find you. I know I will never be that lucky, because I was there when you where dying. You aren't ever coming back little man.
 I reunited with an old frend yesterday Phoenix! I hadn't seen her in 12 years, and it was amazing to see her!!! We talked for hour baby boy, it was like time never happened. We talked about you for a long time honey, she listened and cried with my and felt your little life. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have her back in my life. She told me she thought, I was amazing and made a difference in others people's life by shaing your story, and she told me not to give up. Oh I needed to hear that, and she taught me a new phrase that I think I needed to hear. I know you had something to do with bringing us back together. Yesterday was the happiest I hae been in so long!! Your daddy so sweet! He cooked for us, and keep makng sure the Rita had everything she needed. We all played music aterwards, and it was so fun singing with her again. It just felt like I had a little bit of home with me again. Both of my world came together so perfectly. Rita and I have very similar backgrounds and it just made my day being with her Phoenix.  
 How are you love, I wish  could dream of you again...I feel like I haven't in so long. I miss you with all of my soul little prince! I hope you are sae, and happy my love.

Your daddy, just told me he wanted to go to hemlock cove today. Phoenix, I'm sad...the last time we where there was the last day of your life. My very last happy memory of you and I together... swimming in the water. You where safe, and we where happy. Please let me feel you my love. I will try to be happy. I miss you to pieces, and I love you though all the stars and galaxies right back here on earth.

“If I could surround you with beautiful sounds, I will / If I, if I could repay you for coming to save me, I will / If I, if I could be who you want me to be, I will / If I, if I could surround you with beautiful sounds, I will, I will, I will.”   
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MihVVYknDsw

Hey my little man,

 I've been thinking about you so much today. It's as if you are right there dancing in my heart. I saw this online and thought of you and I and our perfect love.   I don love you to the moon, and back...trough the galaxies and stars...past all the solr systems: to heaven and beyond. I can only hope one day this will be you and I, hanging on te moon, holding our souls to close. I promise to hold you forever. Autumn is not coming through, and I remember last year. Sickened by the thought of pumpkins and halloween, because that is when you where supposed to be in this word, but you my littel love already died. It's heartstopping sometimes to think about it. Our birthdays where supposed to be around the same time...you and I always perfetly connected. I would joke wit your daddy that he was going to ave two scopios on his hands. What a pair we where going to be. I had somany dreams for you little prince, and so did you daddy. We now feel like we can talk about having futures kids again, though niether one of us is ready just yet. We want our lives to be better, and for me to be as healthy as I can be for your future sibling. I hope one day I can be strong enough to try again, because I hae realized there is nothing greater in life then having more children. I am a mother, and I need to care for earthly children too. You daddy is going to be the perfect father, he always dreamed of it. I cannot beleive how much I lucked out with him, maybe you where up there above the cosmos, threading our desinies together. Phoenix, I wish I could dream about you more..those are the best dreams ever. I dream about everything but you. I dream about your Gigi Janice...I miss her. I hope she is ok with you. I hope you aren't ever sad where you are...just full of life and part o the stars. I hope we wll be together again. I have met more angel mommies, it'sfunny because we all beleive that our children are together...you must ave so many friends honey. Phoenix, I miss you, sometimes it's unbearable, but sometimes I can make it through.. You are the GREATEST! Love you always my baby boy.

It will be the greatest....

 

I must remember this.

I have gotten so much better with crying Phoenix. I have gotten better at managing my emotions, about you...but sometimes, like today I cannot hold back any longer. I wish your little body and soul are with me, but I had to share you with the stars. You went back to where you came from, but I just need your little heart here wth me. It hurts; oh god it just hurts. I love you baby boy, you are my star.