I'm listening to your song right now, and missing you so much! I cried myself to sleep again last night, I have learned to do it quietly so I don't wake your dad. He works so hard, and I don't want to make him worry about me. It's better I deal with these emotions on my own sometimes.  cried again after your daddy left for work, and I am crying again. I think I am down on this roller coaster ride. October is coming, and I came to a realization that I will always live in to parallel worlds: the reality of this life where you died, and the one where I will always imagine you alive with us. October was the month of your Due date...October 30th...I'll never forget. But you won't be having a birthday party will you? I will spend my birthday a week later without you, but I'll still have you in my heart. I hate that this month is coming, I didn't realize how hard it would be, but I am trying baby. I even told your dad that we should dress up for Halloween. I would have made you the best costume ever, but you aren't here...your not here and I still can't even accept it. I just keep thinking that if I could just do something time will spill backwards and you will live. I still can't grasp it, and I guess I haven't faced it still. I don't know if I can handle it my love. You mean everything to me.           I have realized  have kept my focus on trying to get healthy and working out because of all the weight I have gained. It's like I gained it on purpose so I could fixate on something besides you...because when I think of you it just hurts so much. How do I live in both of these world my love...I don't even dream of you anymore, and t kills me. I tried to remember you the way you where, but the memory is fading and I can't remember every detail of your tiny little body. But at the same time, it means I can't remember fully the way you suffered...I say that but it's not true...I remember every single second of it. I remember your little coffin, I wish I could have been me. You didn't deserve to suffer...you deserved better. I'm just so sad Phoenix,  need you.