Created

Hi my wonderfu little boy,
 Last night while I was trying to fall asleep I realized this was the time last year you were concieved. This was the week you were made, and you would change our lives forever. I can't believe this is hitting me the way it is. I have been really irratable latey and I didn't know why. I thought it was because of all the dieting, but last night it hit me why I am. It's amazing how subconciously these things come through even when you aren't thinking about it. How my need for you breaks through any part of my waking state...I can't forget about you. My whole being needs you here. Nobody talks about you anymore. It's like you are forgotten. ike you never existed. I hate this so much. I cried myself to sleep again last night. I try to be quiet so I won't wake your dad. I hate making him sad when I cry, I know it gets to him. Keeoing this pain close is all I have left of you. It's be seven months next week. I hate this...
 I wish I knew where you were. If I could at least know you are happy and safe then at least I could maybe have some peace. I hate not knowing where you are. I just hope that you are in a heaven like place with al of your family. I hope you still love me, and your daddy. I hope if you can that you will come back to me. I think about you all the time still. The days get a little better, but time has not healed this wound. I was thinkng about you and your birth again...I wonder if I will ever not get panicked when I think of it. I get scared and just want to cry. Those images I have of you are the most pain and precious. It's the only memory I have of you...alive. I miss you so much Phoenix. You should be here with me sleeping in my arms, and not in a grave.
Why can't  be happy again? Why can't I think of you and smile?
I miss you sweetheart. I missed your great grandma too...if you see her will you give her a kiss for me?
 I love you with every bit of my heart.
                            Always your mommy.

Hey my little sweetheart-
 I'm sorry I have't written you in a while. To be honest I was in a strange place last week. For some reason I was trying so hard to not think about you. To try and ury the fact that you died. I thought I could do it, but o course I can't. I went out with your daddy and co-worker on friday. I got really drun for the first time, and I rmember on the way home crying in the car. I tried to drown out the saddness for one night, but no matter what the pain always comes right up. I don't remember much about getting home though. Your dad said I just passed out on the couch. That's probably a good thing. We went to a part on saturday night...I didn't want to go at al, but I wanted to support your daddy. He always tries to be there for me, and I needed to support him as well. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I was glad when I got home.
 The next day we bought a bunch of paints nd frames and little canvases. Your daddy ahas been painting some pictures ofter some of my photography. I wonder if you would have been able to paint like him. I actually painted my irst painting ever yesterday. It's on a little canvas but it's supposed to be a take on a phoenix's wing. I panted it for you, but that will be out little secret. It's not very good, but I wanted to make soemthing for you. I thought about s all having a crat day together. It made me sad, but I just kept a smile of my face. It's unny how that gets easier as the months go by...being able to take your pain and make it more eternal. It's lie my heart is a sponge and is sucking up all the saddness getting bigger and bigger till you just have to sqeeze. Today I had to squeeze hard. I've cried all day. I miss you baby and there is nothing that will ever take that away. No words, no hugs, no songs, no pills, not time..nothing will take this ache for you away. I wanted to go out to shed and be with your things today..the things you never touched. The memories I've ade up in my heard attatched to these things I just can't get rid of. I need them to remember you...to give me hope.
 I need hope...I need that happy ending. I need you most of all. I wish you would come visit me in my dreams again. I sometimes think you have forgotten about me, and you have moved on. If that akes you happy baby boy then I will take it. I just with I was with you. This life seems so long now, don't get me wrong though, I will never eave your father or my family. I just wish you could come back down. I know though in the scheme of things I will eventually be with you in no time at all.
 I just keep taking it breath by breath my little prince. That's all you can do right. I just wsh I could make myself get better. I am trying so so hard.
 I love you baby.

Hey baby boy
 I am feeling mentally a little better today. I guess I didn't realize how much I was missing you tll yesterday. It's amazing how that preasure can build...how you don't even realize how much the pain is actually still there till days like that. I am trying baby boy...I'm trying so hard to be better my love. You daddy thought I was mad at him lat night wen he came home from rehersal. I don't even realize how cold I am being sometimes..even in my sleep. On top of that I haven't been feeling very well..my stomach has been in knots. I guess grief takes it's toll in all departments. Oh honey, I need to go to your gravesight and get your christmas bear, but I need to buy you a new everyday bear since yours was missing the last time I came. It's getting really cold so I wont be able to come out as much. If there is something you want me to bring you, can you give me a sign like you did with the wooden toys we made. I'll probably have to bring those home to for the winter and put something on them so they won't fade. I must be crazy...talking to you like you are still here, but it brings me comfort. It sometimes is the only comfort. I've been told that where ever you are you can get my letters. I'm sorry they are always sad, and I don't write more...but I always talk to you in my mind. Does that make me crazy?
 I love you sweetheart.

Still awake honey...something just isn't right. I miss you so much and I feel like you are the only one who will never let me down. I'm losing my faith tonight, and wish I could sleep. It's all just to much sometimes. I love you more than anything.

Rigt now in this very moment I am missing you with every single bit of my being baby. My arms are developing the familiar ache I have felt since the day you died. My heart is splitting apart, and my breathe in running away from me. I need you so much right now, and all I can do is cry...tears for my son who will never come back to me. I wish I ddn't have to write in this blog...I wish I had your sweet little body and soul here with me. I am falling apart Phoenix, and I wish I could just be with you one more time. How am I going to make it through this life without you...it just seems so hard. People keep telling me it will get better, but n moments like these I feel like it never will be. I'll never ge to hug and kiss you, or play with you, or walk with you, eat with you, dance with you, sing with you, write with you, smile with you cry with you laugh with you, hope with you, dream with you, dress you, feed you, fight with you, swim with you, shop for you, travel with you, paint with you watch the ocean with you...be with you. EVER!!!! I'm so hurt and angry I can't take it sometimes. NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN! NOTHING!
I feel so robbed...I feel so robbed.
I'll never forgive myself for listeing to that doctor. I'll never trust anyone again. I did and it cost you your life.
My sweet littel Phoenix please don't forget about me, I think about you every moment of everyday. You rule my mind and heart. How can life be right again...how can I be right again.
It's been six months since you passed away baby...a haltf a year without you. You should be here baby...you should be here with us. I love you will every single fiber of my being.