Hey my little sweetheart-
 I'm sorry I have't written you in a while. To be honest I was in a strange place last week. For some reason I was trying so hard to not think about you. To try and ury the fact that you died. I thought I could do it, but o course I can't. I went out with your daddy and co-worker on friday. I got really drun for the first time, and I rmember on the way home crying in the car. I tried to drown out the saddness for one night, but no matter what the pain always comes right up. I don't remember much about getting home though. Your dad said I just passed out on the couch. That's probably a good thing. We went to a part on saturday night...I didn't want to go at al, but I wanted to support your daddy. He always tries to be there for me, and I needed to support him as well. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I was glad when I got home.
 The next day we bought a bunch of paints nd frames and little canvases. Your daddy ahas been painting some pictures ofter some of my photography. I wonder if you would have been able to paint like him. I actually painted my irst painting ever yesterday. It's on a little canvas but it's supposed to be a take on a phoenix's wing. I panted it for you, but that will be out little secret. It's not very good, but I wanted to make soemthing for you. I thought about s all having a crat day together. It made me sad, but I just kept a smile of my face. It's unny how that gets easier as the months go by...being able to take your pain and make it more eternal. It's lie my heart is a sponge and is sucking up all the saddness getting bigger and bigger till you just have to sqeeze. Today I had to squeeze hard. I've cried all day. I miss you baby and there is nothing that will ever take that away. No words, no hugs, no songs, no pills, not time..nothing will take this ache for you away. I wanted to go out to shed and be with your things today..the things you never touched. The memories I've ade up in my heard attatched to these things I just can't get rid of. I need them to remember you...to give me hope.
 I need hope...I need that happy ending. I need you most of all. I wish you would come visit me in my dreams again. I sometimes think you have forgotten about me, and you have moved on. If that akes you happy baby boy then I will take it. I just with I was with you. This life seems so long now, don't get me wrong though, I will never eave your father or my family. I just wish you could come back down. I know though in the scheme of things I will eventually be with you in no time at all.
 I just keep taking it breath by breath my little prince. That's all you can do right. I just wsh I could make myself get better. I am trying so so hard.
 I love you baby.