Hello my sweetheart,

 I just watched Grey's Anatomy, your dad is at band rehersal, and I am here alone. In the episode today there was a story about a premature little boy at 23 weeks. Just seeing that image brought you flooding back to me. How small you were, how you couldn't even open your eyes how your hands couldn't open how you were so so tiny. I'd never seen a human that little in my life. One of the characters said something that brought the tears like I knew they would come: Some Survive.

 You didn't have a chance the moment you where born. You didn't survive...but others did. I am working so hard to raise money for the March of Dimes in your honor. Baby you are so loved down here. My friend have started a team in atlanta in you name! You will be represented there too! They are even making t-shirts! Can you believe that? Also my old job is going to have a night where they dedicate 15% of their sales to the walk in your name. Also a girl I worked with is getting donations from her new co-workers. You have touched so many lives honey. You have made people more loving and compassionate. You have given love to so many little boy. More than I ever could in my 29 years. I don't know why but I still just feel like if I can just save other babies you will make it back to me. I do believe that eastern philosophy is right...your soul can come back. I wish I knew that you could...I miss so so very much.

 I broke down in front of your dad today from all the stress of Maw Maw Janice's husband. I always thought of him as a grandfather...but I guess he never was. He never loved me like he said he did. I feel so let down Phoenix...I'm trying to keep my head up high but somedays it's just so much.

 I will stay as strong as I can for you sweetheart. Just know that you are thought of and love sooooo much down here on earth. I wish you could come back down...

 I love you baby...come see me in my dreams.

I miss you.

I've been staring at your picture...
After almost seven months you would think it would get easier.
That I would just accept that you are no longer part of this life.
I just can't...
I look at your pictures as it seems like you are still here,
and I should be holding you in my arms.
That cute little face should be growing now.
You should be getting your first teeth.
You never will though because you died.
You died.
You died.
You died.
It will never be real.
I'll never be the same.
I miss you so so much.
I love you.
I need you to be alive,
but you're not.
I don't know how I have made it this long without you.
I don't know how I will make it to the end without you.

Happy Valentine's Day my Angel

I miss you so much little man. This is the day of love and you are who I love most (next to your father). I wish you where here so I could dress you up and make a valentines with you for daddy. This day is so hard. I was at the mall earlier today and there where little boys with their mom's everywhere. It made me think of you so much. Right behind me in line there was a woman with a baby around your age in a stroller. She has no idea how lucky she is. I wish you where here for me to physically love. I hope you are watching over your daddy and I.

 He is really wonderful Phoenix. He took me out for a romantic day on Saturday. We drank wine all day and went to some wonderful places. He is so thoughful. Then today he surprised me with the most beautiful red roses I have ever seen and the best card. It was so sweet and funny just like him. If you where here we would be focusing on you.

 I want to say I'm sorry I didn't stay long at your grave on Sunday. Usually I can handle it when I am there I cry but I can actually deal with it. This time it was just too much. I was just so angry that I was sitting at your grave putting another bear in the ground instead of holding you in my arms. Sometimes I do truly believe my heart will break into a million pieces. It's kills me so much not having you here with me my love. I was thinking about my wedding day today on the bus and how it will still be bittersweet because you won't be there. When I was pregnant with you I just imagined you being at the wedding, like steven and I wanted. Now I can't imagine it without you. I hate this but I love you.

On a good note my sweetheart, I am raising money for the march of dimes in your honor. I have already raised 630 dollars in one week. Plus my friends are resposting it on facebook. I can't tell you what joy it is to see people writing your name. They all give you life everytime they do it and it is the first thing that has given me warmth in a long time. I just love seeing people talk about you and you touching lives. You were only on this earth for 45 minutes and you are changing lives. I love you so much for that my little prince. Oh also my good friend from highschool and her stepmother raised 15,000 dollars in your name and are going to donate it to the florida branch. Can you beleive that baby boy? You are loved so much down here. Plus she is having a little boy and she is going to name his middle name after you. You will live on through him as well my sweet baby. Oh god I miss you so much. I would take all of this back if it meant having you here. I love you so much my little valentine...I hope I see you in my dreams soon.

 You are my everything.

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E1Aa0K0Tp0&feature=related
When I hear this song I think you you. Safe and alive inside of me.
The last time I heard it you were...

I love you.

I was listening to this muscian as I was writing you and look what came on right after I was done. A cover of your song. I know you wanted me to find it. I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7ZBygcSBzE

Hey baby,

We had our super bowl party yesterday, and it was a lot of fun. The Giants won, and everyone was really happy. Your daddy and I made waaay to much food. We were on out feet all day till everyone came, and I had to cook so much. I kept getting irritated as I was getting things together but I realized it's because I was missing you. You should have been here with us. Getting all kinds of attention from everyone...it would have been your first party. You would have been the center of attention. I hate this so much. Is there true happiness left in this world for me now? I just don't know how I can ever have that fully again. 

 I have moments of happiness. You father makes me happy..but it's always cut with the grief of you. I'll always think that I would be the happiest if you were here too. I've realized that's it's always going to hurt...nothing will ever take the pain of you away. Nothing can or will heal that wound. I thought things were supposed to get easier, but with next month coming I will have a million reminders of the life that you had inside of me that will eventually lead to the day you died. July third will always be the day you to came into to this world and left it horribly to soon. Everytime I see fireworks I will think of them shooting outside of my hospital window: millions of people sharing the joy of those lights while my baby is dead. There is no joy in this anymore. 

 This is life now...this is all I have. 

Your memory.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

 

Just wanted you to know I found the same ceramic bear that went missing from your grave last december today. I'm going to bring it to you net week. It's funny how finding it made my day so much brighter! I'll be right by you next weekend. I wish you weren't so far in the ground. You belong up here in the sunshine with me.
                 I love you.

I hope this is how it really is my baby.

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to a 'blink of an eye' for us on Earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she's doing, than when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."  
 I hope that is how it is baby boy, that when you look back I'll be there with arms wide open. I love you so much honey. I'll be wiht you one day, so don't forget about me, ok?
 You daddy is making me pancakes right now, because he knows I love them. He makes the best ones and I know you would have loved them.
 You are the greatest my sweet.
 I love you.
Come visit me soon.

7 Months and it's Still Like Yesterday.

Hello my little Man,
 Today is the third..this marks seven months since you were born and died. The ache for you is still there my little love. Yesterday I pulled out you box. I held you little blue blanket and cried so hard. I thought my chest was going to explode. I looked at your pictures. Your sweet little face, you adorable mouth and nose...your eyes that would never open. I pulled out your footprints...it still so hard to believe how small you where. I looked at your sonograms pictures...I remembered how happy I was every time I got to see you! Watching you grow inside of me was the most amazing thing I could ever imagine happening in my life, and I just wanted to live inside of that box, and be part of you forever. Then I pulled out your death certificate...I don't know why I do it but I do. You died at 3 a.m. baby boy....your were born and 2:13. That was all you got in this world. You died without me baby boy...I was on the way to the hospital in another ambulance. This thought kills me every time and I lost it again yesterday. I never thought I could cry like I did yesterday...everything just came out. I didn't even recognize my own voice, it sounded so painful. I read that you died in the ER, without anyone who loved you in the room. You died of cardio respiratory failure. You could breather, and I wasn't there to keep giving you air. You died without an education and you were never married. You never had a chance.
 I never should have left you side baby boy... I shouldn't have given you to that paramedic. I should have went with you. I wasn't there and I hate myself for it. I hate it so much!!!! I hate that we can't rewind time...just once...just one time to go back and make it all right. We'll never get that chance to try again my litte man, I pray that you have forgiven me and that you still love me because I love you more that you could possibly imagine. I don't know when I will ever have a light heart again.
 I still hurts...it will always hurt.
 I'm trying to be better for you and Daddy though honey. I've been eating better and working out every day. I want to be a mommy that you can look down and be proud of someday. I don't want to fall to pieces and never get better...I don't want you to think you were the death of me. The funny thing is since you have died I have felt more alive that ever. Not in the way that you would think. I just really know the difference between being mortal and no longer being mortal. You opened my eyes baby, and even though I lost you, are the BEST thing that ever happened to me. You taught me about what is really important in life and the person I truly am and want to be. I love you so much for that baby boy...you were only in my life for a little less that six months, but you were and are the greatest. Always baby boy.
 I love you honey. I wish you where here instead of me writing you on here. Can you please come visit me soon in my dreams if you can? Tell Maw Maw Janice I said hi and I love her.
 Your are my always.
                     I love you Phoenix.