Hey baby,

We had our super bowl party yesterday, and it was a lot of fun. The Giants won, and everyone was really happy. Your daddy and I made waaay to much food. We were on out feet all day till everyone came, and I had to cook so much. I kept getting irritated as I was getting things together but I realized it's because I was missing you. You should have been here with us. Getting all kinds of attention from everyone...it would have been your first party. You would have been the center of attention. I hate this so much. Is there true happiness left in this world for me now? I just don't know how I can ever have that fully again. 

 I have moments of happiness. You father makes me happy..but it's always cut with the grief of you. I'll always think that I would be the happiest if you were here too. I've realized that's it's always going to hurt...nothing will ever take the pain of you away. Nothing can or will heal that wound. I thought things were supposed to get easier, but with next month coming I will have a million reminders of the life that you had inside of me that will eventually lead to the day you died. July third will always be the day you to came into to this world and left it horribly to soon. Everytime I see fireworks I will think of them shooting outside of my hospital window: millions of people sharing the joy of those lights while my baby is dead. There is no joy in this anymore. 

 This is life now...this is all I have. 

Your memory.

I love you. I love you. I love you.