Hello my little Man,
Today is the third..this marks seven months since you were born and died. The ache for you is still there my little love. Yesterday I pulled out you box. I held you little blue blanket and cried so hard. I thought my chest was going to explode. I looked at your pictures. Your sweet little face, you adorable mouth and nose...your eyes that would never open. I pulled out your footprints...it still so hard to believe how small you where. I looked at your sonograms pictures...I remembered how happy I was every time I got to see you! Watching you grow inside of me was the most amazing thing I could ever imagine happening in my life, and I just wanted to live inside of that box, and be part of you forever. Then I pulled out your death certificate...I don't know why I do it but I do. You died at 3 a.m. baby boy....your were born and 2:13. That was all you got in this world. You died without me baby boy...I was on the way to the hospital in another ambulance. This thought kills me every time and I lost it again yesterday. I never thought I could cry like I did yesterday...everything just came out. I didn't even recognize my own voice, it sounded so painful. I read that you died in the ER, without anyone who loved you in the room. You died of cardio respiratory failure. You could breather, and I wasn't there to keep giving you air. You died without an education and you were never married. You never had a chance.
I never should have left you side baby boy... I shouldn't have given you to that paramedic. I should have went with you. I wasn't there and I hate myself for it. I hate it so much!!!! I hate that we can't rewind time...just once...just one time to go back and make it all right. We'll never get that chance to try again my litte man, I pray that you have forgiven me and that you still love me because I love you more that you could possibly imagine. I don't know when I will ever have a light heart again.
I still hurts...it will always hurt.
I'm trying to be better for you and Daddy though honey. I've been eating better and working out every day. I want to be a mommy that you can look down and be proud of someday. I don't want to fall to pieces and never get better...I don't want you to think you were the death of me. The funny thing is since you have died I have felt more alive that ever. Not in the way that you would think. I just really know the difference between being mortal and no longer being mortal. You opened my eyes baby, and even though I lost you, are the BEST thing that ever happened to me. You taught me about what is really important in life and the person I truly am and want to be. I love you so much for that baby boy...you were only in my life for a little less that six months, but you were and are the greatest. Always baby boy.
I love you honey. I wish you where here instead of me writing you on here. Can you please come visit me soon in my dreams if you can? Tell Maw Maw Janice I said hi and I love her.
Your are my always.
I love you Phoenix.
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