Angel

I thought about you so much this weekend my prince. I was watching a show about a medium, and a show about the afterlife. I cried a lot watching them and thinking about you. Phoenix is is awful that I think you are an angel more perfect than any living child on this earth. You never did anything wrong, bad or selfish. You brouhgt your father and I unconditional love. Some say it takes a a purposal or a wedding to prove that you are going to be together for the rest of your lives. I have ALWAYS loved your father but the day we found out you were coming in to our lives I knew we were meant for each other forever. I cried at first because I was scared, but your dad just smiled. Though he was nervous, he knew this was the day we truly committed ourselves to each other. You brought out all that is good about our love, you brought us even closer together.
 My most favorite memory is when I found out you where a boy. Your dad could come to the screening because of work, and I didn't think I was going to find out your sex, but when the tech told me by whole world changed. I don't remember my feet touching the ground. I floated out the door, with stars in my eyes. I was having a little boy..we both really wanted a boy. I couldn't believe we were going to have you. In a matter of months I was going to have this little man in my arms. I went to target and just went through all the boys things...picking out little shirts for you. I didn't tell your dad that I knew when he called. It was so hard to lie but I wanted to see his face when he got home and I told him. I bought a little plaid shirt that looked just like the ones he wore all the time. I imagined you wearing it as a baby out on the boat with us enjoying the summer sun. I also bought a couple of more. I got a little bag to put them in. On the way out, I grabbed a bite to eat, and I was sitting next to a little boy. I couldn't stop smiling...the joy that surrounded me was limitless. I never knew that such elation existed. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was having a little boy with the man of my dreams. You would grow up to be like him, because he is such a great man. You are the greatest thing we ever created.
 When he got home, I couldn't wait. I gave him the bag and as soon as he saw the shirt he looked s shocked, and then just beemed with pride! I have never seen your father so happy Phoenix. He just kept huggin me and laughing. He wanted you so bad baby boy. We both were on cloud nine.  told your Grandma and Grandpa. They were so happy too! We all were over the moon. You brought ultimate joy to all of us.
 That was a Thursday.
 Every morning your dad would wake up, jump on top of me and yell "It's a boy!!!"
 He was just so so happy, and so was I.
 On Saturday we smiled on the boat as we thought about our lives together with you: our forever sunshine.
That night I went into labor and the doctors sent me home.
Sunday morning at three a.m. you died.
All our sunshine was gone. All my joy was crushed by those words:
"I'm sorry he didn't make it"
The light swallowed itself up and I was in the darkness. You were gone, and I layed in that labor a delivery room and cried like never before. You dad held me and tried to keep it all together, but it was all to late.
To late...there was nothing I could give to get you back.
 I fell from the clouds and hit rock bottom. I wanted to stay there till I could be with you again...

Almost eight moths have passed, and though the pain is still great, I am able to smile more when I think of you. You have changed my life baby boy, and you saved it too. I am a better human being because of you and what you brought to me. You brought nothing but good to this earth, and  you took that with you. You are all consuming love, and I am so grateful for your life! I am in awe of everything you did for your father and I. You are my angel...FOREVER!
 I know it's you everytime I see your name on something. I know you are with me when I feel that energy go up my legs through my spine. I know you are still alive my boy. You spirit free from body. I want you to be in the best place you can be my love! To ask you to come back to earth is selfish because it would tarnish the perfect being that you are...thought you will always be perfect to me.
 I found the perfect bear for you this weekend...I think you helped me find it! I will come see you grave on easter so I will bring it to you.
 Thank you angel for all the love through pain...and all that you are. Please watch over your father, and family, and myself. We all need you baby boy. You have so much love here on earth!
                   YOU ARE THE GREATEST!
                          I love you.
                  Momma

I heard this song and it made me think of you.
The lyrics made me tear up because is a different way she sings about how I feel about you.

"Somebody save me from the world you left."

 This song gives me hope for brighter days and a future when I will be with you again.

I did really good this weekend baby...I made myself have fun with your dad! I thought about you a lot on St. Patrick's day. We went out drinking during the day with our friends, but somehow there where babies everywhere.
 I am going to be working on a playlist for you..songs that make me think of you or help me just get through the day.
  I wish you where here.
                Love,
                Momma
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k3rNbPtXt4

P.S. Phoenix, if you see your Gigi Janice...can you tell her I've been seeing her in my dreams and I miss her. Also if she could bring you with her next time? I need to know you are both happy.

I'm feeling better baby. I've been thinking about you so much today and about who I am. I have to get better baby boy. Though you aren't physically here I know you are all around me. Everytime I see your name I remember that you can't be in vein. I have to live for you, and to grow as much as I can so when I leave this earth I can get as close to you as I can. You are perfection little one, and I am so far from that. I need to make things right in my life. I have to let myself be happy again so I can bring all of those moments to you when I came back. I need to get back to all of my loves. I need to show your dad that he is the greatest love on this planet, and I never understood the true meaning of those words till I met him. He has made me such a better person, just like you, my boys. I have been luckier then most people in my life and I have known the greatest of love in the greatest of pain. Both culminating to change me forever. I can now love to a depth I never could have never known about if it wasn't for you two. I have know that good can come from the complete depths of human sorrow. I now really know what compassion means. I paid a huge price to understand these lessons, but you have made me a better human being than I was before. I miss you so much, but I don't miss who I was, and I have to try and remember that and just be better than I was before. I owe you that my little boy. I will try to love life like I did before, but I will do it in a more careful way. This doesn't mean I won't ave bad days...I know it's not over...but today I can say that I am officially going to really try. You father still needs my feet close to the ground. I love him so much, and I know he does me. It is an amazing feeling. I'm starting to try to tell myself that for once, I actually deserve it. I love you so much honey, you are the most amazing thing I have ever created. I miss you.

I cried myself to sleep to sleep again last night baby. Why does this feel like it's getting harder. I tried so hard to keep quiet so your daddy wouldn't hear but he did...he kept asking me what was wrong and I just couldn't talkI. I didn't want to talk about it...being two a.m. all the memories flooding over me like the a rogue wave drowning me. The time at night is the worst...an hour from then you would be dead, and I will relive it forever. The labor pains in that very same bed...the tears...being alone. It feels like it was happening all over again. Plus i missed grandma...it's only been four months since she died too. I miss you both....I miss my family, I miss my friends...I miss so much sometimes that it is so overwhelming. I'm so afraid of everyone dying and leaving me here. I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes that I don't understand why I have any love given to me at all. I do't even know why I am so mean to myself, but I am.
 I even been thinking that your daddy is going to get sick of the tears one day and leave me..that one day it is going to just be to much for him to bear. I now how much it hurts him to know he can't fix me even though he want to with all of his heart, but no one can. I really thought last night would be the night he threw in the towel but he didn't. He just rolled over, put his arm around me and let me cry. I don't deserve the magnitude of his love. I cried for over and hour at least. This pain is the most severe of aches, and I just want you here. I say that all the time, but it won't change.
 I just always feel like something isn't right...that something is missing. It's you Phoenix. I just need to know you are ok something...anything to give me at least that comfort.
My friend sent me thsi song today to listen to...something about the sound reminds me over...it starts of with small sounds and gets bigger and bigger taking over my heart. Just like you do my darling.
 It's called Along the Road
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ryA3ESRU4eI&noredirect=1
I love you.

Phoenix

I dreamed she brought you back to life,

Laid you in my arms.

And you never died at all

 You cried out loud,

 I knew it was just a vision,

Because you never made a sound.

 But I pretended anyways.

Just to be with you a little while.

 I would run into the light…

To hold you in heaven.

Phoenix, you are the greatest.

You are my only.

 I only held you once,

Silent breath passing through my fingertips.

I knew I was going to lose you,

And you’d never become a man.

I keep telling myself you’re gone,

And love is the only thing that remains.

Oh how, I hope there are angels,

And you can see me down below.

Now all my love is made for you,

And I’m doing the best I can.

I would run into the light…

To hold you in heaven.

Phoenix, you are the greatest.

You are my only.

You are the reverie.

The days turn slowly now,

Time takes you further away from me.

But I’m still standing,

In the ashes you rose from.

It this bitterness,

I try stay to calm…

 Now I don’t fear death,

 For the reaper comes,

Like an angel-

He’ll bring me home to you.

At the grave we’ll meet again,

And I will lay with you.

Always and forever.

Always....

Always..Always...

I'm feeling low today sweetie. It started last night and it's been gnawing at me all day. I just want to hold you once more... I only got to hold you for a few minutes. That's never enough time for any mother to hold her baby. I was to scared when you died to hold you...I had never seen a dead body, and I thought I would lose my mind if I saw you that way. The last memory I have of you is wrapped in a blanket in the police officers hands...I could only see th back of your head. I didn't get to say goodbye...or kiss you or anything. I just watched you slip away. I just want one more second with you...I would give up ANYTHING or that. I hate this so much, and fee so so alone. I wish I could rewind it all. I guess this is what they call bargaining in the stages of grief. To offer anything and everything to have the one you love back. I thought I had completly passed tis stage only to be hit with it right n the face. BAM!
 It just shows me that I guess I haven't accepted that you are gone. I say I have all the time, but deep down it's not true. I still pretend and daydream of my alternate life...the one where you survived. The doctors saved you  and you could come home with us. I think about feeding you and dressing you...kissing and holding you. I dreams of you getting older and telling me those three words "I Love You"
 I wish with all my heart I would get to watch you grow up, and see the wonderful man you would turn out to me. To watch you learn and fall in love. To be happy on this earth...I guess that's all any mother would want for her child.
 I don't think I can fully be a apart of this earth if there isn't still hope for me that you will come back. How can I survive with this huge part of my soul missing? You are part of me and you died...therefore I am dead too. I don't think it is possible for me to understand why you died or to accept it. You have to come back to me.
 It's spring time now honey..there are flowers blooming and the weather is so nice. We would have taken long walks together outside in the sunlight. I think of you so much now. I was pregnant with you this time last year, and though I was sick I jut remember thinking you are like the springtime...new life coming into this world. I would watch the baby swans and think about how life would be in november when you joined the world. Every time I see a flower bloom or tree turn green I think of you and how you are the life within. It's all I have now...
 "Everything dies baby that's a fact, and everything that dies someday comes back."
I hope it true...
I hope...
Hope

Hi my darling love-
 I was just on facebook, and  saw a page about a bio degradable urn with tree seeds in it. So when the urns fall away the remain help grow into a tree. I wish I would have know about it sooner. I would have love to make you a tree....and big strong live giving tree. That way you would always be alive my little prince.
 I really miss you. So many people here on earth are showing so much love to you. My friend are doing March of Dimes Walks all over Ga in your honor! Also, my wonderful friend and my old co-workers are doing a fundraiser in april in your honor!!! Ten percent of the proceeds and all of my friends tips will go to our team! Can you believe that! So many people love you little bear. You have changed so many lives, and you didn't even live an hour. You are making such an impact, and you love pours from every part of myself. I wish you where here to see all the love...
 I hope you are ok where ever you are. I hope great grandma janice is spending time with you, and your great great grandparents. I know you are showered with love up there from both of our families. It's your great grandpa vinnie's birthday party this weekend. He is so wonderful...I never really had a grandfather until I met him. They love you so much. I wish you would be here wth all of us.
 Well baby I just wanted to check in. I know I should write more, but sometimes it's just to hard. I couldn't sleep last night or anything...I cried a lot trying to fall asleep. I feel bad because I don't want to wake your daddy. He's so good to me and he needs his sleep.
 I love you my price!

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with you.
I had no idea how I would be as a other, or how you would change my life.
One year later and you are not here, and I can't imagine my life still without you.
A friend of mine had her baby yesterday and another's daughter just had hers today.
God how that just salts the wound.
I miss you more than word can say.
You should be here my little angel, you should be lying in my arms.
I have to go now your dad is making some lunch for us, and I know he will get sad if he sees me writing this.
It's not fair, but this is how it is.
I love you wit every bit of my life.

Seven months...

And it happened...

Hi My little prince-
 So I had a breakdown in front of you dad today. I was feeling ok the last few days so I know it was coming. Now the melt downs are coming out of now where. We were in the car driving home from the store and he made a comment about someone...it had nothing to do with me. Somehow it made me feel awful about myself again...like I was that person but worse.
 I tried to keep the feeling inside and not let it get the best of me. You dad kept asking me what was wrong..and of course I denied that I was upset. Then I made a face and he said "I know that face something is wrong. I know you." I can't hide anything from him. I started to tell him how I just felt so insecure and how since I have been up here I feel like I have failed myself and him. How I have never felt so bad in my life. Of course he is absolutly wonderful...he help me close and kissed and told me he loved me and he was never going anywhere. He said I was stuck with him forever like he always does).
 He then went on to ask me if there was still anything that was bothering me. I broke down and started to cry so hard. I told hi how hard hard this weekend will be. Baby is will be seven months since you died......seven whole months. Plus this is the weekend that we found out I was pregnant with you. How can it be a year already? I should be so happy with you close to me right now...not writng this letter to you!!! I'm so angry... I am SO ANGRY...AND HURT, and sad....
 He told me I would be happy again...I see the pain in his eyes when he says  that. I can tell he wants it for me so bad, but I don't know it 100% joy will ever be in the cards for me. No matter how much he loves me and no matter how much I love him...no matter what we do I will always ache for my little boy. I love you dad more than I have ever loved another living human being and I know he feels the same way...but it's all bittersweet now.
 He put a blanket around me and help me close...I dried my eyes anf put on a smile for him. I hate hurting him, but god Phoenix this pain is killing me somedays.
 I miss you so much...I want to scream sometimes. Scream until the walls burst into flames and take down everything around me. I want to smash things and beat my fist against the walls. I want to get this out of me.
 But I can't be angry my little man I have to be good and loving so I can see you again. I have to be good in your honor. I have to love effortlessly for you. I have to live a good life for you. I have to make something good come of this sheer pain. This suffering can't take me over...I'm trying. God am I trying.
 I'm listening to your song over and over..thinking of how much you moved when I played it. How I smiled and laughed an knew you had great taste in music. Now all I can't feel are blistering tears and my heart splitting again. I feel like I'll never have enough tears for you. You are everything to me and I need you. Everynight I fall asleep hoping you'll come to visit me. That's so crazy...wishing for a dream. Something to let me know you love me still and you forgive me because god only knows when I will forgive myself.
 Until then I can only spill my heart and tears in these letters.I love you...a million and more times over. I'm going to listen to your song some more and cry...It's all I can do now.
   I.LOVE.YOU.