I cried myself to sleep to sleep again last night baby. Why does this feel like it's getting harder. I tried so hard to keep quiet so your daddy wouldn't hear but he did...he kept asking me what was wrong and I just couldn't talkI. I didn't want to talk about it...being two a.m. all the memories flooding over me like the a rogue wave drowning me. The time at night is the worst...an hour from then you would be dead, and I will relive it forever. The labor pains in that very same bed...the tears...being alone. It feels like it was happening all over again. Plus i missed grandma...it's only been four months since she died too. I miss you both....I miss my family, I miss my friends...I miss so much sometimes that it is so overwhelming. I'm so afraid of everyone dying and leaving me here. I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes that I don't understand why I have any love given to me at all. I do't even know why I am so mean to myself, but I am.
I even been thinking that your daddy is going to get sick of the tears one day and leave me..that one day it is going to just be to much for him to bear. I now how much it hurts him to know he can't fix me even though he want to with all of his heart, but no one can. I really thought last night would be the night he threw in the towel but he didn't. He just rolled over, put his arm around me and let me cry. I don't deserve the magnitude of his love. I cried for over and hour at least. This pain is the most severe of aches, and I just want you here. I say that all the time, but it won't change.
I just always feel like something isn't right...that something is missing. It's you Phoenix. I just need to know you are ok something...anything to give me at least that comfort.
My friend sent me thsi song today to listen to...something about the sound reminds me over...it starts of with small sounds and gets bigger and bigger taking over my heart. Just like you do my darling.
It's called Along the Road
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ryA3ESRU4eI&noredirect=1
I love you.
I even been thinking that your daddy is going to get sick of the tears one day and leave me..that one day it is going to just be to much for him to bear. I now how much it hurts him to know he can't fix me even though he want to with all of his heart, but no one can. I really thought last night would be the night he threw in the towel but he didn't. He just rolled over, put his arm around me and let me cry. I don't deserve the magnitude of his love. I cried for over and hour at least. This pain is the most severe of aches, and I just want you here. I say that all the time, but it won't change.
I just always feel like something isn't right...that something is missing. It's you Phoenix. I just need to know you are ok something...anything to give me at least that comfort.
My friend sent me thsi song today to listen to...something about the sound reminds me over...it starts of with small sounds and gets bigger and bigger taking over my heart. Just like you do my darling.
It's called Along the Road
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ryA3ESRU4eI&noredirect=1
I love you.
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