Hi My little prince-
So I had a breakdown in front of you dad today. I was feeling ok the last few days so I know it was coming. Now the melt downs are coming out of now where. We were in the car driving home from the store and he made a comment about someone...it had nothing to do with me. Somehow it made me feel awful about myself again...like I was that person but worse.
I tried to keep the feeling inside and not let it get the best of me. You dad kept asking me what was wrong..and of course I denied that I was upset. Then I made a face and he said "I know that face something is wrong. I know you." I can't hide anything from him. I started to tell him how I just felt so insecure and how since I have been up here I feel like I have failed myself and him. How I have never felt so bad in my life. Of course he is absolutly wonderful...he help me close and kissed and told me he loved me and he was never going anywhere. He said I was stuck with him forever like he always does).
He then went on to ask me if there was still anything that was bothering me. I broke down and started to cry so hard. I told hi how hard hard this weekend will be. Baby is will be seven months since you died......seven whole months. Plus this is the weekend that we found out I was pregnant with you. How can it be a year already? I should be so happy with you close to me right now...not writng this letter to you!!! I'm so angry... I am SO ANGRY...AND HURT, and sad....
He told me I would be happy again...I see the pain in his eyes when he says that. I can tell he wants it for me so bad, but I don't know it 100% joy will ever be in the cards for me. No matter how much he loves me and no matter how much I love him...no matter what we do I will always ache for my little boy. I love you dad more than I have ever loved another living human being and I know he feels the same way...but it's all bittersweet now.
He put a blanket around me and help me close...I dried my eyes anf put on a smile for him. I hate hurting him, but god Phoenix this pain is killing me somedays.
I miss you so much...I want to scream sometimes. Scream until the walls burst into flames and take down everything around me. I want to smash things and beat my fist against the walls. I want to get this out of me.
But I can't be angry my little man I have to be good and loving so I can see you again. I have to be good in your honor. I have to love effortlessly for you. I have to live a good life for you. I have to make something good come of this sheer pain. This suffering can't take me over...I'm trying. God am I trying.
I'm listening to your song over and over..thinking of how much you moved when I played it. How I smiled and laughed an knew you had great taste in music. Now all I can't feel are blistering tears and my heart splitting again. I feel like I'll never have enough tears for you. You are everything to me and I need you. Everynight I fall asleep hoping you'll come to visit me. That's so crazy...wishing for a dream. Something to let me know you love me still and you forgive me because god only knows when I will forgive myself.
Until then I can only spill my heart and tears in these letters.I love you...a million and more times over. I'm going to listen to your song some more and cry...It's all I can do now.
I.LOVE.YOU.
So I had a breakdown in front of you dad today. I was feeling ok the last few days so I know it was coming. Now the melt downs are coming out of now where. We were in the car driving home from the store and he made a comment about someone...it had nothing to do with me. Somehow it made me feel awful about myself again...like I was that person but worse.
I tried to keep the feeling inside and not let it get the best of me. You dad kept asking me what was wrong..and of course I denied that I was upset. Then I made a face and he said "I know that face something is wrong. I know you." I can't hide anything from him. I started to tell him how I just felt so insecure and how since I have been up here I feel like I have failed myself and him. How I have never felt so bad in my life. Of course he is absolutly wonderful...he help me close and kissed and told me he loved me and he was never going anywhere. He said I was stuck with him forever like he always does).
He then went on to ask me if there was still anything that was bothering me. I broke down and started to cry so hard. I told hi how hard hard this weekend will be. Baby is will be seven months since you died......seven whole months. Plus this is the weekend that we found out I was pregnant with you. How can it be a year already? I should be so happy with you close to me right now...not writng this letter to you!!! I'm so angry... I am SO ANGRY...AND HURT, and sad....
He told me I would be happy again...I see the pain in his eyes when he says that. I can tell he wants it for me so bad, but I don't know it 100% joy will ever be in the cards for me. No matter how much he loves me and no matter how much I love him...no matter what we do I will always ache for my little boy. I love you dad more than I have ever loved another living human being and I know he feels the same way...but it's all bittersweet now.
He put a blanket around me and help me close...I dried my eyes anf put on a smile for him. I hate hurting him, but god Phoenix this pain is killing me somedays.
I miss you so much...I want to scream sometimes. Scream until the walls burst into flames and take down everything around me. I want to smash things and beat my fist against the walls. I want to get this out of me.
But I can't be angry my little man I have to be good and loving so I can see you again. I have to be good in your honor. I have to love effortlessly for you. I have to live a good life for you. I have to make something good come of this sheer pain. This suffering can't take me over...I'm trying. God am I trying.
I'm listening to your song over and over..thinking of how much you moved when I played it. How I smiled and laughed an knew you had great taste in music. Now all I can't feel are blistering tears and my heart splitting again. I feel like I'll never have enough tears for you. You are everything to me and I need you. Everynight I fall asleep hoping you'll come to visit me. That's so crazy...wishing for a dream. Something to let me know you love me still and you forgive me because god only knows when I will forgive myself.
Until then I can only spill my heart and tears in these letters.I love you...a million and more times over. I'm going to listen to your song some more and cry...It's all I can do now.
I.LOVE.YOU.
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