My love,
 I made it through grey's tonight...the little premie died. I felt like I was reliving your death all over again, but I made it through. I'm crying y eyes out right now, but I need to...your death is still so painful to me and I just need to cry. The amazing thing though it after the baby died in the show your song came on!!! Can you believe it? It's the second time that version of it has come on when I was thinking so much about you...I know you had something to do with it. Oh I miss you so much...
I didn't sleep at all last night again...up all night crying and thinking of you. Remembering, lying in that same bed in labor with you...the pain...the loneliness. Will it ever get better? I was just looking at your pictures, when you were born I thought you looked so much like your dad, but in your pictures you look like me too. You were going to be one cute little man Phoenix...I wish I could hold you. I need you. I love you.

It was July, and I wore white to celebrate your life.
I let the tears, a warm rain soak my face.
The stranger spoke:
"Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust." In your name.
We all laid flowers on that little white box,
I fell on bended knee, alone,
I just wanted more time
To be with you in the sun.
I wasn't enough, there will never be enough.
Twenty-threes weeks of joy and heart,
laid to rest in the summer sun.
Your body laid low, put in the ground,
 I left my heart there, in Ole Holy Rude.

Hey baby boy,
 So today has been really hard. I really miss you so much. I am s full of tears, and I just wish you were here. I have been online trying to find out how I can obtain your birth certificate, but I am having a hard time getting any info. I need to have that piece of paper...I want to show people that you lived. I have you death certificate, so why is it so hard to have proof that you lived? It's like no one cares baby boy...I know that isn't fully true, but it just feels that way. I don;t want you to be forgotten. We went over to help your aunt  move some things sunday...at one point she wanted your dad to move their old crib and carriage out of the attic (you would have used them). Steven asked her why and she said "One day you or I will have kids and I would like to use it." It killed me to hear that. I just sat there and tried with every bit of my soul to not cry. I know she didn't mean it, it's just one more f'd up reminder that you never got a chance. That people don't acknowledge your life. I try so hard to be positive, but some days I just want to scream...but instead I just cry. I just want you so much. That will never change!! I will be 100 and I will still always want you. I love the days when I can feel you around me...I need that today honey. I need you to help me be strong. Someone told me it's ok that I cry so much...it just means I really love you. Two of my friends had babies at the same tie you would have been born and lived. They are so wonderful...it is just so hard seeing all of their milestones. They should be yours. My cousin just announced she is pregnant. I am so happy for her, but so sad for myself...she is going to have the first living baby in the family. I guess news like this will always be bittersweet. I'm so sorry this letter is so sad, I'm just in pain right now. I promise to have happier letters in the future. I just needed to talk with you baby boy. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Hi my love,
 Today is the big fundraiser at Pozole. I don't know why I feel to stressed out, but I do. I wish I could be there to support you in Atlanta, but I am going to have to do it from here. I miss you so much today!!! You dad is off so we are going to go out on the boat, hopefully it will relax me. I just wish you were going with us, though I am sure you will still be with us. I really hope lots of people come out tonight...I just need to know that people care...they care about you and your importance in this world. I love you Phoenix!

And another is born...

 Hi prince,
 Sorry I haven't written...I've been a little busy last week but trust me, I didn't forget about you. You know I always talk to you in my head anyways. So, I was on the ole facebook, and another friend had a baby. It was o hard seeing his picture, but I forced myself too. I need to learn to deal with the fact that there will always be pregnant women and babies being born. I have to learn to be happy for them, because you would want me too. It was just so hard, because they would go back and forth complaining about when the baby would come and having to go back and forth to the hospital...I just wanted to say "Be happy those are the only problems you are having." I don't though because I don't want to be debbie downer. I just wish people would appreciate the life that have inside of them more, but alas it took me losing you to have that appreciation. Yay me.
 So if you can, will you how your daddy some love today? He's been going through a lot at work, and I feel so bad about how stressed he has been. He really needs something good to happen. He works so hard little man, and he deserves happiness. I wish you where here to make him smile. He loves us so much.
 I really miss you a lot little guy. I woke up this morning filled with sadness, and I knew it was going to be a really hard day. I met a new friend who lost his little girl and I hope you guys are friends. I wish none of us had to go through this but it's like they say "There is no compassion without pain." I never understood that till you died.
 Saturday I thought about you a lot...your daddy and I went and got our boat from the marina. He was soooo happy. I'll have to post some picture for you. We got bagels and ate out in the middle of the bay. It would have been your first time out there...I wonder if you would have like it. Reminded me of the day you died, and the only trip you would ever get to take. I kinda laughed thinking about your name which is surrounded by the symbol of fire, but when I think of being on the water I think of you most. You sailed the same waters with us. You got to be in the ocean once. That was the best day of my life...followed by the worst. I know you where with us though...I know you always are. Thank you for all the little reminders each day.
 The Mach of Dimes walk is only two weeks away little man! We have raised quite a bit of money in your honor! My old job in Atlanta is doing a big fundraiser in your name this friday! I hope you are there to see all the wonderful people you have touched. People who have never met me are spreading the word of your life, and so are friends and your family. I am blessed with so much love on this earth. You my darling have changed lives. You have taught love and compassion...you accomplished in forty five minutes of living more than I ever have. I love you so much baby boy. The tears still fall with the ache I have for you, andI am trying to stay positive, but some days it is so hard. I just try to be strong and brave for you. You deserve a momma who loves you more than anything. I hope you feel that love up where you are. I wish I could shower the world with it. Well my darling, I am going to go now, but just know I am always here for you. I hope I can see you in my dreams.
                                Always yours,
                                       Momma

Happy Easter Baby!

H

Happy Easter my love! I wish I woke up to you here with an easter basket made. I made one for you aunt, grandpa, and great gradparents. You dad is that the store now so I thought I would write you now. We'll be going to the cemetery later so I can bring you your easter gifts. I hate that the only way I can be close to you little body is by going there. I miss you so much. This should be your first easter, but I guess you are celebrating in heaven. I am sure it is so much more beautiful than anything I can give you.
 I do love the idea of easter though. Jesus rose from the dead. I never realized how amazing that notion is. Baby you aren't dead...I know your body is but you are alive and better than ever. I know you are with me. Even when I google and image to give you on this blog you name came up on the very first suggestion. I know you are life itself. I can't wait till the day I get to start my life with you too. I am going to try not to cry at your grave today, but I doubt I will. I try to remember you is a happy light, and try to think of you growing up in the clouds with all of our family members who aren't with us anymore. I miss them too. I feel so lonely without  you. I hope you find lots of easter eggs up above, and remember me today because I'll be thinking of you. Love you with all of my heart baby boy.
                                             Always yours,
                                                   Momma

8

Hi my sweet love,
 Today is eight months since you where born, and eight months since you died. I miss you so terribly much.  cannot belive it is eight months already since you went up above. How is it up there? I hope everyone is throwing you a big party full of love today. Baby I know you are will me in spirit. I feel you around me all the time.  just wish I could see you, and hold you in the physical sense...it's hard still being human. I know one day I will be released from this body and burst into a million particles, and will be part of you...and you will me. That will be true happiness. It's funny know...I sit and watch what people wish and pray for. The things that people say they "can't live without"...the depth of ones love for material things. I don't understand that, because I know what it means to really want something with every bit of your soul. I have learned what makes the heart tick, and that i because of you. I am glad that I am free of most earthly wants (except chocolate...man I do love it baby boy). I live of of what I need and the love I have around me. You gave me that gift little one.
 We went to go make your quit lat week honey. It was so hard. When your dad and I walked in there, there where children everywhere. I was beyond overwhelmed and felt trapped. Luckily, the lady that was there walked over and talked with me. She lost her son Kyle 13 years ago so she understood where I was coming from. I hope you to have met, and have become good friends. She gave me my part of the quilt to work on and some other materials. I was so grateful for her. I try to keep a positive spirit for you baby boy but I am human and imperfect so I mes up all the time. I am afraid because f all the mistakes I have  made in the passed that I won't be able to be close to you when I die. You are beyond perfect, and I am so far from it. I'm sorry I wasn't a better person in this lifetime, but I am trying to get there. My love for you out weighs it all.
 Hopefully we will be able to come see you this weekend for easter. Ugh, another holiday to get through, but I am going to make the best of it for you, your dad, and our family. You really have the best dad, he takes such good care of me and we are the best of friends. I never knew someone could love me the way that he does. I will be with him for the rest of my life and beyond. One day we will all get to be together. Wouldn't that be nice?
             I love you my little price.
               Always-
                Momma