I'm missing you so much right now. I was reading a story on the MISS sight and it brought me back to the day we buried you. I can't get that image out of my head...it breaks my heart everytime I think of you. I still don't know how I have made it this far. Tat day I wanted to die: I thought I would never ever be able to breathe again. With the luck of having the love of your father and our family I have made it day by day. I just don't know what tis next yer has in store for me. I'm scared Phoenix, one day I am ok and te next I feel like the world is shattering all around me. I feel like I am never going to be sain again. Nothing will be smoothe sailing...it's always going to be waves...pushing and throwing me up and down. Balance is lost.
 I'm sorry I am always so sad wen I write you. I just feel like I have know were to put this. I don't want to bring down all the people around me. I'm trying to keep te brave strong front up but it just seems so hard some days.
 Jan 3rd is rght around the corner...six months. You've been gone a half a year...it hasn't gotten better. It's just that time is taking me futher and further away from you. I need you back honey...I need you to be with me and your father. I wish you would come back. I would wake up one day and you would be here in my arms. It's all I want and will ever want. Your daddy bought be a wonderful camera for christmas. I would have taken so many beautiful pictures of you. You would have had a million pictures of you.
 I'm not making any sense anymore so I am going to go. Just know baby boy I love you above the moon and stars. You are my life, and you are my dream. I love you ALWAYS!!!
                                           Momma

Hey my baby,
 I haven't been able to be on here in  a while and I am so sorry. I was at my mom and dad's house for the week and even chrstmas. I issed you so much baby. I tried so hard to keep a happy face on while I was down there, but on cristmas is was just to hard. I lost it when my mom gave me my present for you. It's a beautiful ornament with your name in it and a memory box for you. It was so sweet of her, but it just killed me, I should be opening clotes and toys for you you...not this. I tought after christmas I would feel better, bit I feel worse. I realized christmas day you aren't coming back...you are really gone. I feel like the pain has come back ten folds. I don't know how I can do this anymore...
 I'm just getting so angry and bitter baby. I don't want to be this way...my heart just hurts so bad. I can't take it sometimes. I'm just mad at everything, and insecure...I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how anyone even loves me, because I don't even want to look atmyself in the mirror anymore. I just want tobreak something...just completly destroy it. I want to get this rage out of me but I have no where to go. I feel like this pain is going to burn me up from the inside out, because I just can't handle the fact that you aren't here. People say it will get easier, and it does for a little while...then there comes te grief growing bigger and bigger in my heart till it feels like it is going to explode. I don't know how much longer I can keep this front up. I just want to cry baby.
 I just keep thinking about all the things you'll never get to do. I never got to see you smile honey,te only image I have of you is suffering...your poor little face struggling to catch your breath. I can't take it...I CAN'T! How am I supposed to live with this...how does anyone.
 I'm trying so hard baby but the pain is weighing on me...it's just so heavy. I just want to be happy again, and that will never happen because you won't ever be with me again. I know you're gone...

Hi my darling,
 I am so sorry I a haven't written you sooner. I have just been kinda emotional alllast week. Since my grandma died I feel like my grief if wide open again. I miss her but I am really sad for my dad. He feels so unloved by his mom, and that makes me so sad thinking that a mom could pass on and never leve her son feeling loved. I wouldnever do that to you. I hope youknow how much I love you baby. Christmas is getting harder and harder for me. I just wish you were with me and I was dssing youup in christams clothes and buying you tons of toys and fun things for your first christmas. I just can't beleive you aren't here. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully accpet that. My heart feels like it will truly burt wide open the day I do. I still can't breathe when I think of my whole life without you. I justlove you so much.
 We went to your grave yesterday. It made me reallt sad so I coudn't stay long. I was trying so hard not to cry, but of course I broke down. Your little bear I bought you adn the pinwheel grandma bought where gone. It just mademe so upset, even though steven warned me not get to attatched to the things we put there., but it's hard. I don't get to giveyou many things but the things I do I want you to have always. I know it's stupid since your not hear but it bring me some joy when  bring you presents. It's just so hard knowing your perfectlittle body is buried there. I want to hold you so badly somtimes that it makes my arms actually ache...can you believe that? I just don't know if I'll ever be a mom again. Maybe I was just ment to only have you...my sweet perfect angel.
 Your dad took me to go see the national last week. I love that band so much. We had a good night, and I thought abotu you a lot. Then they played "Exile Vilified" and the minute I heard the frst note I cried and cried and cried. I wanted you so much! I still and will always think of you when I hear that song since my friend dedicated that video he made to that song. He gave you some more immortality. People will read your name whenever they see his video and you will be remembered. I need you to be remembered always.
 I dreamd bout my grnadma last night. It was an awfu dream all around. I have been having alot of nightmares lately baby. I don't even like going to sleep anymore. I wish I could have sweet dreams of you. That'sall I really want for christmas is just on vision of you. I'd trade all my gifts for it...anything. I just don't know if I will make it through this week with a straight head.
 We are leaving to go to atlanta wednesday and I am nervous. I am glad that we will get to be with our family, but I am so nervous about seeing my friends. I feel like I have changed so much, and I don't know if I will be able to be the person I used to be around them. I don't know how to react to anything.  I feel overwelmed about it. I still don't look like I am in the best shape earlier and I am afraid of being judged...I know that is stupid by I just feel comeplelty self concious. I don't feel at all like the person I used to be. I justfeel like a failure sometimes. I don't know I'm just babbling now baby. I shoudn't be burnening yo with my problems. I don't want to cover you with sadness so I am going to go now...I love you with every bit ofmy heart.
                             I wish you were here,
                                  Momma

Hi baby boy-
So I just found out that your great granma janice is with you in heaven or whatever place you are in. I can't beleive she is gone, but I am so happy you are with her. I'm stll in shock baby boy, that last time I saw her I was pregnant with you. Now you both are gone. Everyone is going to die and leave me. That's how I feel right now. I miss you both so much. I don't know if I can handle much more my sweet, I can't beleive I lost you both this year. I'm so sad right now. I hope she is just as beautiful up there as she was down here. I know she is free now, and that's the only comfort I have. Please take care of her and show her all around. I'm really sad right now baby so I am going to go, but I love you so so so so much. I wish you two were here with me, but I amglad youhave each other. I love you and Ma Ma Jancice always.
                          Always your momma

Hi sweetheart,

Sorry I didn't write you this weekend. It was so busy a full of all kinds of emotions.
 Saturady was ok, your dad and I watched ufc fights...I can't belive how into them I have gotten. You r dad loves them and I understand why now. I was a big let down though. My favorite fighter lost. I felt so bad at him, because he got a beating. It just sucked becausehe was such a good guy, and the guy who beat him was a jerk. Just another reminder that good doesn't always prevail. I used to beleive it always  would, but these days that seems impossble to believe.
 Sunday we brought back the boat to the marina. I didn't realize how sad I was going to be. As your dad worked on getting it started I imagined you being in there with him, a little older and playing. My heart just broke all over again. I know you and your dad would have been two peas in a pod. As we headed there I just kept thinking how sad I am that I won't be able to go out on the water for so long. I feel so close to you out there in the bay. It makes me think of that last day you were with me. That was one of the most perfect day of my life...I remember just floating in the ocean with you. Looking at your daddy and simon, I thought : This is what heaven must look like. I didn't know in a matter of hours you would be gone forever. Now anytime I am on that boat I think of you. I feel like you are with us. We fed the swans before we left on the boat. The babies are now fully adults...they have left their parents and soon once it gets colder they will leave too. I remember when they were born, and I was pregnant with you. As they grew I knew they would be growing like you. They started off with five babies...the day we went out before you died there were only four. I knew that one baby had died. Little did I know it would be foreshowing that you would be leaving us too. Everytime I see those swans I think of that. They are so big now, and a perfect white...I wonder if that swan is with you.
 I am just dreading this winter...it's all taking me away from you. The boat, the swans, and it's going to be to cold to go to your grave sight that often. I want to always be close to you. I don't want the winter to come a swallow you up. I don't want to feel even further from you. I didn't realize how hard this is going to be baby.
 We decorated the chrsitmas tree on Monday. I didn't cry this time baby. I tried to think of you in a good way. We played christmas music and your dad and I had fun putting up the ornaments, but I just kept thinking how you will never get to put any of these ornanments on the tree. Grandma bought a beautiful ornament for me in memory of you to put on the tree. It's should be here in a week or so. I hope you are with me when I put  it on the tree. Your grandparents were going to spoil you rotten. I wish they still could. They are wonderful people baby. I know you love them from up above.
 Phoenix, please be with me this season. I need you close. I love you so so so so much!
                     
                  

Five Months Since You Were Born and Died.

Hi my love,
 Its been five months since you came in this world kicking and breathing, and five months since your last breath escaped your lips. I miss you so much, it feel like it was just yesterday I was holding you in my hands. So in love with you and so scared for you at the same time. Life took you away from me and now I will have to wait a long time till I get to be with you again. I'm sad baby boy. Your daddy is in the kitchen making pancakes for me. He so wonderful and he always makes the best ones...he always make them a different way with something fun on top. You would have loved it. I wish you were here but you not. I guess one day it will get easier but for now I am just stuck here with this ache...this ache that haunts me everywhere I go. A constant reminder that you will never be in my arms. I love you baby...you should be here with us.
                                      Love always and forever-
                                                  Momma

I need you.

Hey baby,
Today has been so hard. Ineed you so much today. I woke up crying and I just haven't been able to stop. Some days it is bearable, but a lot of days are still like this. My heart breaking more and more. I just can't take it sometimes baby. I know you are with me in spirit, and one day we will be together again, but not having you here with me in this life just seems too hard. I feel like I am breaking down today. Everything I read turns me to tears. I've lost all motivation to leave the house, I don't know when I'll be ready for the world again. I just don't understand it, or anything anymore. I just can't take missing you like I do. EverytimeI read an article on child loss I feel so upset. I never imagined I would be reading these because I too have a dead child. You should be alive, breathing and taking in this brand new world. I hate this so much.
 I feel like it all my fault sometimes. I should have made the doctor do more. I shouldn't have let them discharge me. Why was I so stupid? Why did I trust them? If they would have done more you would have had a chance. The minute I left the hosital was the minute your death was signed, sealed, and delivered. How am I supposed to live with this? How am I suppoesed to ever trust anther doctor?How am I supposed to have another happy pregnancy?My life is completly shattered,and I just don't know if I'll ever find my way back. They say that nowmy life is a new normal...but I don't feel any way near even that. I feel like an outkast. Everything makesme want to cry...I wish I was stronger baby. I wish I could be a better mom for you even though you are physically so far away. I hope you are proud of me, because I am so proud to be your mom.
 I keep thinking about your grave sight, and the day we buried you. I have never cried so hard in my life. I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't stand the thought of themputting you in the ground. Everything went by so fast. I didn't feel like I was given the chance to say goodbye. I just sat there on my kneesmy hand on your tiny little casket just begging for it to not be true. You had five flower laying on it...I wanted to to come back to life right then and there.Just cry and tell me to take you away. But you ddn't and my mom and Steven picked me up and pulled me away from you.  I watched from the car as they put you in the earth. You body was gone, never to feel the light and warmth of the sun. I was a beautiful day honey. God gave us that.
 Baby I feel better when I write you. I get out all my saddness and know that you are there to listen. I know you can read this but I know you feel what I am writing. I just need you hney. I need you so much.
                             Love,
                              Momma