Hi sweetheart,

Sorry I didn't write you this weekend. It was so busy a full of all kinds of emotions.
 Saturady was ok, your dad and I watched ufc fights...I can't belive how into them I have gotten. You r dad loves them and I understand why now. I was a big let down though. My favorite fighter lost. I felt so bad at him, because he got a beating. It just sucked becausehe was such a good guy, and the guy who beat him was a jerk. Just another reminder that good doesn't always prevail. I used to beleive it always  would, but these days that seems impossble to believe.
 Sunday we brought back the boat to the marina. I didn't realize how sad I was going to be. As your dad worked on getting it started I imagined you being in there with him, a little older and playing. My heart just broke all over again. I know you and your dad would have been two peas in a pod. As we headed there I just kept thinking how sad I am that I won't be able to go out on the water for so long. I feel so close to you out there in the bay. It makes me think of that last day you were with me. That was one of the most perfect day of my life...I remember just floating in the ocean with you. Looking at your daddy and simon, I thought : This is what heaven must look like. I didn't know in a matter of hours you would be gone forever. Now anytime I am on that boat I think of you. I feel like you are with us. We fed the swans before we left on the boat. The babies are now fully adults...they have left their parents and soon once it gets colder they will leave too. I remember when they were born, and I was pregnant with you. As they grew I knew they would be growing like you. They started off with five babies...the day we went out before you died there were only four. I knew that one baby had died. Little did I know it would be foreshowing that you would be leaving us too. Everytime I see those swans I think of that. They are so big now, and a perfect white...I wonder if that swan is with you.
 I am just dreading this winter...it's all taking me away from you. The boat, the swans, and it's going to be to cold to go to your grave sight that often. I want to always be close to you. I don't want the winter to come a swallow you up. I don't want to feel even further from you. I didn't realize how hard this is going to be baby.
 We decorated the chrsitmas tree on Monday. I didn't cry this time baby. I tried to think of you in a good way. We played christmas music and your dad and I had fun putting up the ornaments, but I just kept thinking how you will never get to put any of these ornanments on the tree. Grandma bought a beautiful ornament for me in memory of you to put on the tree. It's should be here in a week or so. I hope you are with me when I put  it on the tree. Your grandparents were going to spoil you rotten. I wish they still could. They are wonderful people baby. I know you love them from up above.
 Phoenix, please be with me this season. I need you close. I love you so so so so much!