I need you.

Hey baby,
Today has been so hard. Ineed you so much today. I woke up crying and I just haven't been able to stop. Some days it is bearable, but a lot of days are still like this. My heart breaking more and more. I just can't take it sometimes baby. I know you are with me in spirit, and one day we will be together again, but not having you here with me in this life just seems too hard. I feel like I am breaking down today. Everything I read turns me to tears. I've lost all motivation to leave the house, I don't know when I'll be ready for the world again. I just don't understand it, or anything anymore. I just can't take missing you like I do. EverytimeI read an article on child loss I feel so upset. I never imagined I would be reading these because I too have a dead child. You should be alive, breathing and taking in this brand new world. I hate this so much.
 I feel like it all my fault sometimes. I should have made the doctor do more. I shouldn't have let them discharge me. Why was I so stupid? Why did I trust them? If they would have done more you would have had a chance. The minute I left the hosital was the minute your death was signed, sealed, and delivered. How am I supposed to live with this? How am I suppoesed to ever trust anther doctor?How am I supposed to have another happy pregnancy?My life is completly shattered,and I just don't know if I'll ever find my way back. They say that nowmy life is a new normal...but I don't feel any way near even that. I feel like an outkast. Everything makesme want to cry...I wish I was stronger baby. I wish I could be a better mom for you even though you are physically so far away. I hope you are proud of me, because I am so proud to be your mom.
 I keep thinking about your grave sight, and the day we buried you. I have never cried so hard in my life. I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't stand the thought of themputting you in the ground. Everything went by so fast. I didn't feel like I was given the chance to say goodbye. I just sat there on my kneesmy hand on your tiny little casket just begging for it to not be true. You had five flower laying on it...I wanted to to come back to life right then and there.Just cry and tell me to take you away. But you ddn't and my mom and Steven picked me up and pulled me away from you.  I watched from the car as they put you in the earth. You body was gone, never to feel the light and warmth of the sun. I was a beautiful day honey. God gave us that.
 Baby I feel better when I write you. I get out all my saddness and know that you are there to listen. I know you can read this but I know you feel what I am writing. I just need you hney. I need you so much.
                             Love,
                              Momma