Hi my darling,
 I am so sorry I a haven't written you sooner. I have just been kinda emotional alllast week. Since my grandma died I feel like my grief if wide open again. I miss her but I am really sad for my dad. He feels so unloved by his mom, and that makes me so sad thinking that a mom could pass on and never leve her son feeling loved. I wouldnever do that to you. I hope youknow how much I love you baby. Christmas is getting harder and harder for me. I just wish you were with me and I was dssing youup in christams clothes and buying you tons of toys and fun things for your first christmas. I just can't beleive you aren't here. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully accpet that. My heart feels like it will truly burt wide open the day I do. I still can't breathe when I think of my whole life without you. I justlove you so much.
 We went to your grave yesterday. It made me reallt sad so I coudn't stay long. I was trying so hard not to cry, but of course I broke down. Your little bear I bought you adn the pinwheel grandma bought where gone. It just mademe so upset, even though steven warned me not get to attatched to the things we put there., but it's hard. I don't get to giveyou many things but the things I do I want you to have always. I know it's stupid since your not hear but it bring me some joy when  bring you presents. It's just so hard knowing your perfectlittle body is buried there. I want to hold you so badly somtimes that it makes my arms actually ache...can you believe that? I just don't know if I'll ever be a mom again. Maybe I was just ment to only have you...my sweet perfect angel.
 Your dad took me to go see the national last week. I love that band so much. We had a good night, and I thought abotu you a lot. Then they played "Exile Vilified" and the minute I heard the frst note I cried and cried and cried. I wanted you so much! I still and will always think of you when I hear that song since my friend dedicated that video he made to that song. He gave you some more immortality. People will read your name whenever they see his video and you will be remembered. I need you to be remembered always.
 I dreamd bout my grnadma last night. It was an awfu dream all around. I have been having alot of nightmares lately baby. I don't even like going to sleep anymore. I wish I could have sweet dreams of you. That'sall I really want for christmas is just on vision of you. I'd trade all my gifts for it...anything. I just don't know if I will make it through this week with a straight head.
 We are leaving to go to atlanta wednesday and I am nervous. I am glad that we will get to be with our family, but I am so nervous about seeing my friends. I feel like I have changed so much, and I don't know if I will be able to be the person I used to be around them. I don't know how to react to anything.  I feel overwelmed about it. I still don't look like I am in the best shape earlier and I am afraid of being judged...I know that is stupid by I just feel comeplelty self concious. I don't feel at all like the person I used to be. I justfeel like a failure sometimes. I don't know I'm just babbling now baby. I shoudn't be burnening yo with my problems. I don't want to cover you with sadness so I am going to go now...I love you with every bit ofmy heart.
                             I wish you were here,
                                  Momma