I'm feeling low today sweetie. It started last night and it's been gnawing at me all day. I just want to hold you once more... I only got to hold you for a few minutes. That's never enough time for any mother to hold her baby. I was to scared when you died to hold you...I had never seen a dead body, and I thought I would lose my mind if I saw you that way. The last memory I have of you is wrapped in a blanket in the police officers hands...I could only see th back of your head. I didn't get to say goodbye...or kiss you or anything. I just watched you slip away. I just want one more second with you...I would give up ANYTHING or that. I hate this so much, and fee so so alone. I wish I could rewind it all. I guess this is what they call bargaining in the stages of grief. To offer anything and everything to have the one you love back. I thought I had completly passed tis stage only to be hit with it right n the face. BAM!
 It just shows me that I guess I haven't accepted that you are gone. I say I have all the time, but deep down it's not true. I still pretend and daydream of my alternate life...the one where you survived. The doctors saved you  and you could come home with us. I think about feeding you and dressing you...kissing and holding you. I dreams of you getting older and telling me those three words "I Love You"
 I wish with all my heart I would get to watch you grow up, and see the wonderful man you would turn out to me. To watch you learn and fall in love. To be happy on this earth...I guess that's all any mother would want for her child.
 I don't think I can fully be a apart of this earth if there isn't still hope for me that you will come back. How can I survive with this huge part of my soul missing? You are part of me and you died...therefore I am dead too. I don't think it is possible for me to understand why you died or to accept it. You have to come back to me.
 It's spring time now honey..there are flowers blooming and the weather is so nice. We would have taken long walks together outside in the sunlight. I think of you so much now. I was pregnant with you this time last year, and though I was sick I jut remember thinking you are like the springtime...new life coming into this world. I would watch the baby swans and think about how life would be in november when you joined the world. Every time I see a flower bloom or tree turn green I think of you and how you are the life within. It's all I have now...
 "Everything dies baby that's a fact, and everything that dies someday comes back."
I hope it true...
I hope...
Hope