#SayItOutLoud

I love you, more than you'll ever know dear
Before I was born I could hear you
calling my name from far, far away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZbcWxWCGqE

Hello my little dream,

 I just ot finished going through your shadow box I haven't looked in it for a while now, but today I just needed to. Put your metal tags that the wonderful people from the Graham's Foundation sent us. I love having anything that has your name on it. I just love having anything that reminds me of you . They sent us to so I put the others one in a vase with sea shells in it. That way I can always see you name and have you with me. Everytime I look in there I just cry so much, the ache is so strong sometimes Phoenix. When I hold your little blanket close to my face, it's like I feel you right there for just a moment. Fleeting but worth it. I'm missing you something fierce baby boy.
  Phoenix, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that your GiGi Janice's things that she left for me after she died where sent to me. I was going through the things with my parents and I fond a stone like footprint among everything. I remember looking at the bottom of it (it was a baby size footprint) and it said Good Samaritan Hospital under it (that is the hospital you my little love breathed your very last breaths in). Then there was some other writing, that in my dream state I understood to be some memorial to a little girl. In my dream I realized that this was a token for the baby the Gigi lost, and for some reason I knew she was a girl. Then in my dreams I kept thinking how strange it was that she died in a hospital called good Samaritan too. I don't know what to make of this dream little guy. No one really knows the story of my grandma losing the baby, not even my father. I guess you do now though, and I am sure you met her. Why I am so certain that she is a girl, I have no reason why. It makes me sad that my grandma and I shared this painful experience and never talked about it. I don't know if your gigi is trying to tell me something or if I am simply just going insane. The one thing I know though is that I will never stop missing you my prince. I love you!

Daddy and I saw fireworks when we were coming home from hanging out with Dennis tonight. You are guiding me into the right path, and to setting me free. Love, keep me strong because everything I do I want to do to honor you and all of the babies, mommies, and daddies out there. Love you my darling.

The Still Project

Hi my love,
 It's been a while, and since your birthday I have been sad....really really sad to the point I just wanted to be alone. No one would know this fact but it is true.
 I found this project online (somehow I think you led me to this) and it had revived my spirit. It is called the Still Project. Parents of little angel Elana have come together to make a documentary to give lovies like you and parents like us a voice! I am so proud of these two human being that I have never met, and grateful that they are giving us the opportunity to share out voice and to be heard! I am tired of people treating the death of a baby, as something that should be pushed under a rug and be considered taboo. Your story should be told my prince!! You lived and have just as much right to be grieved over as any human being should. The world should know about you and all the amazing children who deserved a life on this earth. I am so glad there are angels like this on this earth, set to inspire me and empower me that I am still and always will be you mother! I love you baby boy. I hope people read this blog will go and check out this sight and learn about this beautiful project.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV5pJFXYBOQ&feature=player_embedded

https://www.facebook.com/StillProject

I love you baby boy, and I promise I will not let this world drown you out.

I started singing to myself a few minutes ago, and felt compelled to write these words down.

I miss you so much, and I don't know how I have gone this far without you.

Where do we go,

When we take our last breath.

 And our soul releases,

Into the atmosphere?

Did the weight of the world,

Fall from you shoulders?

Did you feel freedom for the first time?

Did you fly on by

Ask kiss me goodbye?

Through airy lips, and electric shocks.

Did you sing me a song,

To shine through my tears

As I died in that hospital bed?

Will you come back,

And love me again?

Shaped like a star, blazing in my dreams.

Can I still love you?

Though I won’t be able to hold you.

Can you be with me?

Obscure to my eyes,

And lighting in my heart.

I want to know where you’ve gone.

I wanna know who tucking you in at night.

I wanna know when I will see you again.

I wanna  know you.

Dreaming of you…

For the rest of my life.

Come back to life,

Come back to me.

For Phoenix 

My little love,
 I watched the fire works with your dad last night. We were going to go out on the boat, but his tail light was out, so we just sat on the back porch and watched them burst all around us. Phoenix they where everywhere we would look. Even though some hid behind trees they looked so lovely glittering in the balmy hair. I was sweating and getting eaten by bugs, but I didn't even care. It felt just like a movie, even though I was wearing pj pants and a huge old navy shirt. The sky was tie-dyed with color. I felt like I was in Bax Luhrmann film as the work just lit up for the first time. You dad was all smiles, like a five year old over them. You know how much he loves them. We just chased them with our eyes for a long time. I loved that moment more than any other moment, because I felt you like no other then. I know you wanted us to be there, and I could just feel it streaming trough to my bones. I didn't cry once that night. I actually felt kinda good. I realized you where everywhere, and I just needed to open my eyes and really looked. You are so alive my love, and that gives me hope. That's all I nee to get through this life, and as long as I had hope I had you. I love you little prince. You have the best daddy in the world by the way, and he loves you and I so much. We are very lucky people. I don't deserve it. Baby, I am trying to find that joy again for you and your daddy. You both deserve better than what I have been, and I am going to try harder my prince. Thank you for the fireworks sweetheart. Lover you bigger and brighter than the rest. 

I just found out my friend's nice's little girl was just removed from life support today. Only two years old. Phoenix please be with her as sh makes her way up there to heaven, and for her family. I can't belive another family has to go through this today. :(

I made it through yesterday little lovie. I ham feeling sick today, but I know you daddy loves forth of july so I  guess I should try to make the best of it. I have pictures of the day for you, and I will post them for you soon. I just wanted to wish you a happy fourth and tell you how much I miss you. If I see fireworks tonight I will be holding you close in my heart. I remember last year watching them from my hospital window thinking I wold never love fireworks again, but now I realized it was you bursting through the night...hundreds of sparkling light showering the night letting m know that you are ok. You are my little firework. I love you forever baby boy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01whPWRvT64

There should be balloons, cakes, toys, streamers, family and laughter, but there is none of this. Just me in this quiet lonely room. I stayed up till twelve last night so I could be the first to wish you happy birthday. My stomach sunk as each minute of you life slipped by me for good. The time turned over and twelve o'clock came. With a heavy heart I wish you happy birthday my love. I tried so hard to sleep through those next hours, hoping I wouldn't wake up at that crucial moment...the very minute you were born 2:14. I can't believe I woke up Phoenix, and the worst part was I had to go take a piss so I had to go in there. The very same spot you where born into...the room where you suffered before you died. I am sick to my stomach Phoenix. I am so sick that I am numb. If I let one tear flow they will go on forever.

Your dad and I talked about you Friday a lot. He finally realty opened up to me about you. He told me how happy he was when he found out  was pregnant. That he felt his whole life was meant to be a father. He doesn't talk about you because it is still too painful. He wanted you so bad Phoenix. We love you so much. He told me something that another mommy said to me recently that I must do. He said I needed to find joy again, because it wouldn't be fair to you and your life if I didn't. I mean, I have happy moments, but I need to search out pure good joy. I have to do this for you both. Your life should not be remembered in pain, I need to get back to giving you the life here you deserve which is full of love and laughter.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed...you life was gone and I wanted to be with you. Plain and simple. Nothing and no one meant a thing at that point. The pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. I still don't get how I have survived 356 days without you Phoenix. It seems like the most unnatural thing in the world, but it is nature. I need to figure out a way to honor you life,, so that you live forever. You deserve immortality, and as long as  am alive you will have it. You are the very idea of perfection, most people live their whole lives trying to leave the legacy that you did in five minutes. Your little soul has changed people, you have taught how love really is, and for all of us to be grateful for the things that we have right this minute...it can all be taken away at any moment. Guide me my little Prince through this next year, because I have a feeling it might be harder than this one.
 I know all of out families are throwing you a big party up there my sweet!!! I hope all of your angel baby friends are with you too. I realized last week that I believe my Aunt Becky is taking care of you the most up there. I think that is why sh dd so young and her death date the the day before yours. That thought brings me so much comfort, because she was the best, and  know she loves you more than herself. Maybe that is why she came to me in that dream a few years back. I hope she can bring me you one day. I wish I could just get one glimpse...just two seconds to know you are happy. I would literally give up anything if I could.
  Phoenix, I just want you to know you will always be number one in my heart. I will share you with our other children if we have more. We will always always always be a family. You ARE MY son, and I am your momma. Come to me whenever you can or you need me. You are my everything little prince. I wish I could be with you today. I LOVE YO FOREVER!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PERFECT CHILD!

Oh God Phoenix...
this is it. The last hours of your life...this time last year I was at the hospital being told you where fine. I wish I could turn back the hands of time...
 At 2:14 am you will be born again my love...at three am you will die all over. This time it will be for good...I won't be able to look back as and say...this time last year you where alive. You will be dead, dead, dead...
 I don't know how I have made it through...or how I will make it through. I wish I could have stayed longer at your grave sunday. I hope you liked your balloons and bears. I should be throwing you a real party, but instead I am here wish I was with you. How do I do this? I want to freeze time...I want you back. I want sooooo bad. I can't stop thinking about you, and those short moments I had with you little body and soul. I am so sorry you suffered. I am so sorry for so any things. I will try my hardest to smile tomorrow on your birthday. I wish I knew what kind of cake you would have liked.
 Please be with me tonight my darling. I need you more than ever.