There should be balloons, cakes, toys, streamers, family and laughter, but there is none of this. Just me in this quiet lonely room. I stayed up till twelve last night so I could be the first to wish you happy birthday. My stomach sunk as each minute of you life slipped by me for good. The time turned over and twelve o'clock came. With a heavy heart I wish you happy birthday my love. I tried so hard to sleep through those next hours, hoping I wouldn't wake up at that crucial moment...the very minute you were born 2:14. I can't believe I woke up Phoenix, and the worst part was I had to go take a piss so I had to go in there. The very same spot you where born into...the room where you suffered before you died. I am sick to my stomach Phoenix. I am so sick that I am numb. If I let one tear flow they will go on forever.

Your dad and I talked about you Friday a lot. He finally realty opened up to me about you. He told me how happy he was when he found out  was pregnant. That he felt his whole life was meant to be a father. He doesn't talk about you because it is still too painful. He wanted you so bad Phoenix. We love you so much. He told me something that another mommy said to me recently that I must do. He said I needed to find joy again, because it wouldn't be fair to you and your life if I didn't. I mean, I have happy moments, but I need to search out pure good joy. I have to do this for you both. Your life should not be remembered in pain, I need to get back to giving you the life here you deserve which is full of love and laughter.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed...you life was gone and I wanted to be with you. Plain and simple. Nothing and no one meant a thing at that point. The pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. I still don't get how I have survived 356 days without you Phoenix. It seems like the most unnatural thing in the world, but it is nature. I need to figure out a way to honor you life,, so that you live forever. You deserve immortality, and as long as  am alive you will have it. You are the very idea of perfection, most people live their whole lives trying to leave the legacy that you did in five minutes. Your little soul has changed people, you have taught how love really is, and for all of us to be grateful for the things that we have right this minute...it can all be taken away at any moment. Guide me my little Prince through this next year, because I have a feeling it might be harder than this one.
 I know all of out families are throwing you a big party up there my sweet!!! I hope all of your angel baby friends are with you too. I realized last week that I believe my Aunt Becky is taking care of you the most up there. I think that is why sh dd so young and her death date the the day before yours. That thought brings me so much comfort, because she was the best, and  know she loves you more than herself. Maybe that is why she came to me in that dream a few years back. I hope she can bring me you one day. I wish I could just get one glimpse...just two seconds to know you are happy. I would literally give up anything if I could.
  Phoenix, I just want you to know you will always be number one in my heart. I will share you with our other children if we have more. We will always always always be a family. You ARE MY son, and I am your momma. Come to me whenever you can or you need me. You are my everything little prince. I wish I could be with you today. I LOVE YO FOREVER!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PERFECT CHILD!