Merry Christmas Eve my little prince. I was in the kitchen baking cooking, and I thought about how you should be by my side...I let myself pretend for a moment that you where. Is that crazy? It's just not the same without you. I love you.
Letters and thoughts to my Son Phoenix who passed away July 3, 2011 due to premature birth.
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Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Hi my love,
Mommy did it! I wrote song last night my little love. I was in the shower and it all came rushing over me; the lyrics and melody. I got out of the shower and just started writing until I was done. I wasn't sure what I was doing till I was done. I realized it was a song about us, my love for your daddy, and what life should have been for the three of us. Its about the circle of life, death, and love. It's actually going to be an alt country song my little man. I told your daddy that I thought I wrote a song, and he came over. I was so nervous singing it to see without any music. I cried when I got to the end, because it was about you. I miss you, and I am ready to sing about you. I want to have an ep called Phoenix Forever. I want to write love songs about you, because I love you so much. I'll share the lyrics with you my little man.
THE BEST THING YET
YOU SPOKE YOUR LOVE,
AND I SAID MY VOWS.
I TOOK YOUR RING,
AND YOU TOOK MY CROWN.
SPINNIN' 'ROUND IN MY WEDDING DRESS
YOU WHISPERED IN MY EAR "YOU'RE THE BEST THHING YET"
CHORUS:
I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
I'LL GIVE YOU THE WORDS
IF YOU GIVE ME A SONG
BUILD YOU A HOUSE
IF YOU GVE ME A HOME.
SPINNIN' ROUND IN MY SUMMER DRESS.
I WHISER IN YOUR EAR "YOU'RE THE BEST THING YET"
CHORUS:
I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
YOU GAVE ME YOUR BODY
AND I GAVE YOU A CHILD
MADE OUT OF LOVE
AND ALL WE HAD.
SPINNIN' 'ROUND IN HIS SUNDAY BEST.
WE WHISPERED IN HIS EAR "YOUR THE BEST THING YET"
I wish you were here to sing too.
Mommy did it! I wrote song last night my little love. I was in the shower and it all came rushing over me; the lyrics and melody. I got out of the shower and just started writing until I was done. I wasn't sure what I was doing till I was done. I realized it was a song about us, my love for your daddy, and what life should have been for the three of us. Its about the circle of life, death, and love. It's actually going to be an alt country song my little man. I told your daddy that I thought I wrote a song, and he came over. I was so nervous singing it to see without any music. I cried when I got to the end, because it was about you. I miss you, and I am ready to sing about you. I want to have an ep called Phoenix Forever. I want to write love songs about you, because I love you so much. I'll share the lyrics with you my little man.
THE BEST THING YET
YOU SPOKE YOUR LOVE,
AND I SAID MY VOWS.
I TOOK YOUR RING,
AND YOU TOOK MY CROWN.
SPINNIN' 'ROUND IN MY WEDDING DRESS
YOU WHISPERED IN MY EAR "YOU'RE THE BEST THHING YET"
CHORUS:
I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
I'LL GIVE YOU THE WORDS
IF YOU GIVE ME A SONG
BUILD YOU A HOUSE
IF YOU GVE ME A HOME.
SPINNIN' ROUND IN MY SUMMER DRESS.
I WHISER IN YOUR EAR "YOU'RE THE BEST THING YET"
CHORUS:
I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
I WON'T BE ALONE ANYMORE
YOU LOVE IS GONNA TAKE ME HIGHER GROUND
PICKIN' UP ROSES, WHILE THEY PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
GET IT NOW BEFORE WE'RE DEAD AND GONE
YOU GAVE ME YOUR BODY
AND I GAVE YOU A CHILD
MADE OUT OF LOVE
AND ALL WE HAD.
SPINNIN' 'ROUND IN HIS SUNDAY BEST.
WE WHISPERED IN HIS EAR "YOUR THE BEST THING YET"
I wish you were here to sing too.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Hello my little love,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Yesterday was the anniversary of you great gramma's passing. I really miss her. I miss you both. Sometimes (even though I love my life with you dad), I wish I was in the ether with you. Your daddy and I last night sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and talked about you, maw maw, and your grandma jo anne, and aunt becky. We talked about how we miss you. I started crying when we talked about your grave. I wish I had you with me. I know that you are getting lots of love wherever you are. I know you are the shining star, but I'm selfish and want you all to myself. It's just not my time yet to join you on the other side. I hope you like the swan ornament I picked out for you for our tree. I wish you could be here to celebrate the holidays with. You belong here. Baby boy, how long will this pain last? This hole...it never closes. I hope I see you in my dreams soon. That would be the best Christmas present ever. I love you my little man.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Yesterday was the anniversary of you great gramma's passing. I really miss her. I miss you both. Sometimes (even though I love my life with you dad), I wish I was in the ether with you. Your daddy and I last night sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and talked about you, maw maw, and your grandma jo anne, and aunt becky. We talked about how we miss you. I started crying when we talked about your grave. I wish I had you with me. I know that you are getting lots of love wherever you are. I know you are the shining star, but I'm selfish and want you all to myself. It's just not my time yet to join you on the other side. I hope you like the swan ornament I picked out for you for our tree. I wish you could be here to celebrate the holidays with. You belong here. Baby boy, how long will this pain last? This hole...it never closes. I hope I see you in my dreams soon. That would be the best Christmas present ever. I love you my little man.
Friday, November 15, 2013
My little man,
I miss you so much right now. I haven't been able to stop the tears. I hate this....I WANT YOU BACK! It's just not fair; I love you. My heart feels so empty right now. I opened your box, and just held your little blue blanket to my heart. I studied your little footprints...and the lines that made your prints yours. I looked at your pictures...your sweet little face...little nose and eyes that never opened. You were too tiny little man. You should be a toddler now, playing and talking, but your not. Your gone and I all I have is a little box of things and a grave. I'll never get over you. I will never never EVER get over you. I love you so much, and it hurts.
I miss you so much right now. I haven't been able to stop the tears. I hate this....I WANT YOU BACK! It's just not fair; I love you. My heart feels so empty right now. I opened your box, and just held your little blue blanket to my heart. I studied your little footprints...and the lines that made your prints yours. I looked at your pictures...your sweet little face...little nose and eyes that never opened. You were too tiny little man. You should be a toddler now, playing and talking, but your not. Your gone and I all I have is a little box of things and a grave. I'll never get over you. I will never never EVER get over you. I love you so much, and it hurts.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Hi little man!
It s crazy that this should have been the week you were born. You due date was October 30th. I've gotten better about coping with this, but it's still hard. Lots of babies were born this month. I wish you ere here to celebrate with us. Your daddy and I had a lot of fun this weekend. We celebrated Halloween and Bebop's birthday. I love him so much.
Phoenix, thank you for watching out for your daddy Friday. When he called me and said that he had been in a car accident I was so scared. My world stopped at the thought that he could have died. He walked away from everything with no injuries, and I know it's because you protected him. Thank you for that baby boy. I've barely made it through losing you. If I lost your daddy I would be so lost. I couldn't stop hugging and kissing him this weekend. I don't even like being away from him today. Baby boy, you have the greatest daddy in the world.
I hope you had a god birthday party with your grandmother. I know your daddy misses her so much.
Phoenix, I let myself actually hope for something great this weekend. I smiled at the actual possibility of it. I felt that warmth I haven't felt in a long time. I need your help. I need you the most though.
How are you? I know it's stupid question since I can't hear you, but I wish I could know. I wish I knew where you where. I just need a sign that you are ok...
I love you.
It s crazy that this should have been the week you were born. You due date was October 30th. I've gotten better about coping with this, but it's still hard. Lots of babies were born this month. I wish you ere here to celebrate with us. Your daddy and I had a lot of fun this weekend. We celebrated Halloween and Bebop's birthday. I love him so much.
Phoenix, thank you for watching out for your daddy Friday. When he called me and said that he had been in a car accident I was so scared. My world stopped at the thought that he could have died. He walked away from everything with no injuries, and I know it's because you protected him. Thank you for that baby boy. I've barely made it through losing you. If I lost your daddy I would be so lost. I couldn't stop hugging and kissing him this weekend. I don't even like being away from him today. Baby boy, you have the greatest daddy in the world.
I hope you had a god birthday party with your grandmother. I know your daddy misses her so much.
Phoenix, I let myself actually hope for something great this weekend. I smiled at the actual possibility of it. I felt that warmth I haven't felt in a long time. I need your help. I need you the most though.
How are you? I know it's stupid question since I can't hear you, but I wish I could know. I wish I knew where you where. I just need a sign that you are ok...
I love you.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Once your gone you can never come back...
Phoenix how are you my love. This is the month you would have been born if life was fair. October 30th was your due date. I have forgotten it my baby boy. I never will. I was really down the other day just wishing I was where wanted to be in life. Then I watched a documentary about women fighting cancer on long island. It made me think of some many things and how I should be fighting for my life for those who don't get that choice. I thought of your grandmother, and how much your daddy misses her. I thought about how hard she fought for so long, and how I'll never get to met her. I know she is with you, and she is well now. I thought about all my friends who are battling this fight, and those who have lost someone. I realized though, I have lost you that MY fight isn't over yet. I can't roll over and give up, and I have to try to make this the best life possible for you.
Out of the blue into the black
Phoenix, people tell me all the time that I am too sensitive for this world. That I feel to much for others, and that it will only continue to break my heart if I don't "toughen" up. I refuse to believe it though. I don't want to not care my little love. I want to be better, I want to be free of this pain. I want to grow into a greater human than I have been before. I've done things that I am not proud of, but I have changed for the better. You and your father gave me this truth...this gift. You made me see who I am supposed to be. Please guide me to the light, because I've fallen before. I want to be good, good for you. I want to change the world in your name; your beautiful precious sweet name. I want to be brave, and strong. I need this strength to get me through. You were brave my little love...you fought for your little life. I watched you. Now I need to fight for you. I love you so much. I don't want to let you down.
The King is gone but he's not forgotten.
You are always mine, and I am always yours my love.
Till we meet again in a place where there is no darkness.
Love,
Momma
Out of the blue into the black
Phoenix, people tell me all the time that I am too sensitive for this world. That I feel to much for others, and that it will only continue to break my heart if I don't "toughen" up. I refuse to believe it though. I don't want to not care my little love. I want to be better, I want to be free of this pain. I want to grow into a greater human than I have been before. I've done things that I am not proud of, but I have changed for the better. You and your father gave me this truth...this gift. You made me see who I am supposed to be. Please guide me to the light, because I've fallen before. I want to be good, good for you. I want to change the world in your name; your beautiful precious sweet name. I want to be brave, and strong. I need this strength to get me through. You were brave my little love...you fought for your little life. I watched you. Now I need to fight for you. I love you so much. I don't want to let you down.
The King is gone but he's not forgotten.
You are always mine, and I am always yours my love.
Till we meet again in a place where there is no darkness.
Love,
Momma
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Baby I miss you. I haven't been writing here much these days...I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm learning to hold it all in...the ache for you. I was feeling quite strong for the last few months, but lately I've felt that old depression creeping back in. The shear loneliness that no body can fill but you. Phoenix, I am love very deeply down here. You daddy proves that everyday. Your grandmother and great grandmother came to visit last week, and I was so sad when they left. I forgot how much I need them. I forgot how much I need you.
I've been afraid lately that I won't ever see you again. That I've made up this idea in my head, that after I die we will be reunited again and I will float with you into the ether. What if it isn't true? What if you are already gone, and somebody else's baby? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? I need to know my little man. I need this peace in my heart. Two, years and I am still heartbroken. I thought I knew what heart break was until you died. Now, I know that nothing I experienced before your death could compare. Phoenix, I think about death all the time. Whose next? Who else will I lose before this life is over? I don't show it but it weights on me all the time. Your daddy is good, he can always tell when I am sad, even if I try to hide it. I still lie and say I'm ok anyways. I want him to be happy, he deserves it. He deserves you. If there is any way I can bring you back to me, could you give me a sign? I know I'm bargaining, I know it's critical in my grief, but what's so wrong in believing that there is still hope?
I LOVE YOU.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Hi my love,
I know it's been a while since I wrote you. I've been in a daze, and I guess I've just kept my thoughts to you in my head. I hope you get them. I miss you so so much. I don't know how I have survived.
Today is Max's Birthday. Will you tell him I said happy birthday, and give him a big hug from his mommy? It's not fair that we don't get to celebrate with you guys. I wish I could be there.
Baby swans...I got it now baby boy...it all flooded through me the other night. I was such a grand epiphany, and I'm glad you made me finally see it.
Phoenix, I love you. I feel like for the first time, my feet are coming back to earth. I need to live, I need to live for you. You are my angel, and I love you.
Your momma alaways.
I know it's been a while since I wrote you. I've been in a daze, and I guess I've just kept my thoughts to you in my head. I hope you get them. I miss you so so much. I don't know how I have survived.
Today is Max's Birthday. Will you tell him I said happy birthday, and give him a big hug from his mommy? It's not fair that we don't get to celebrate with you guys. I wish I could be there.
Baby swans...I got it now baby boy...it all flooded through me the other night. I was such a grand epiphany, and I'm glad you made me finally see it.
Phoenix, I love you. I feel like for the first time, my feet are coming back to earth. I need to live, I need to live for you. You are my angel, and I love you.
Your momma alaways.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
.
My little love,
You are bringing so much light to world today. I hope you can feel the love today.
You are bringing so much light to world today. I hope you can feel the love today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Where ever you are)
Happy Birthday my sweet sweet prince. I have no great memories on this day, only myself is a hospital bed...hopeless and suffering. You died the day you were born, and no one should have lived a life like that. I would give anything to be with you today? I don't know where you are but I hope everyone is there with you. Your dad and I have a lot of family up there with you. I hope you are playing with Max and Thomas. I hope you all are ok. I'm so sad baby boy. I cried as soon as I woke up. I tried to sleep as much as I could today because it's just too much. I woke up in the middle of the night, and I knew it was after three and you died all over again. I wish I could take back the hands of time (there I go bargaining again).
You daddy had to work a half day, but when he get off we are coming to see you and bring your presents. We'll get cake to celebrate your life too, but I wish I knew what kind of cake you would have liked. I wonder if you would have had a sweet tooth like me.
Phoenix, thank you for letting me have you for the time I did. Thank you for teaching me how much I can actually love. Thank you for changing me, and making me a better person. You my little prince have given me so much more than I have to you. Why couldn't I have been a better mother? Light the way for me my love, and come back to me if you can. Oh god, I love you with all my heart. I hope you are happy today, I hope it's the best 2nd birthday you could imagine. Mommy adores you.
You daddy had to work a half day, but when he get off we are coming to see you and bring your presents. We'll get cake to celebrate your life too, but I wish I knew what kind of cake you would have liked. I wonder if you would have had a sweet tooth like me.
Phoenix, thank you for letting me have you for the time I did. Thank you for teaching me how much I can actually love. Thank you for changing me, and making me a better person. You my little prince have given me so much more than I have to you. Why couldn't I have been a better mother? Light the way for me my love, and come back to me if you can. Oh god, I love you with all my heart. I hope you are happy today, I hope it's the best 2nd birthday you could imagine. Mommy adores you.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
.
I'm reading about all the famous women who have suffered from baby loss. I don't want to be part of this club! I want out!
I want you back.
I want you back.
Two years ago today you where alive...
and tomorrow you will be dead at 3 a.m. How do I do this without you my love?
Thursday, June 27, 2013
I sit on the bare sand and watch the bay push and pull the
tide.
The sun glows orange streaks through the blue and pink,
The sky water colored in beauty.
I wait for you to run
out of the water,
Shells in your hands and wet from the sea.
Your face tanned by the sunlight and your eyes bright with wonder.
“Mommy look what I found,” and you drop the treasures in my
hand.
I take your little arms and put them around my neck,
“I love you my little man.”
I craw up the hill,
The sun has given the
sky to the night.
It’s quiet under the strength of the tree.
Little bugs flicker through the dusk,
They bring your little dreams to life as you chase their sparks.
You laugh, and it open up my heart.
You laugh, and it open up my heart.
We run. We run forever throughout the night.
Hand in hand:
Hand in hand:
You and I, my little man.
I come through the door, and pull my pj’s over my head.
I take the covers out and slide into the bed.
Lay my head on your daddy’s chest to feel his breath;
Rise and fall under the rest of sleep.
I let them slide, wet and hot through my cries.
Silently holding this withered pain.
Silently holding this withered pain.
The heart begins to melt under the heat.
The pain so strong I can’t compete.
I wait for you in this bed for you to say,
“Mommy I love you. Please don’t cry.”
But the wait will never end, because you my little love are
gone.
My baby boy died, and we will never walk in the sun.I'll always love you my little man.
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant at twenty weeks, and I was in the hospital. I was bleeding and I knew I was going to lose that baby too. What if this comes true baby boy? Will I ever get to be a mommy to an earth child? I cried a lot last night thinking of how much I miss you. I just have such a hard time talking about you anymore. It's like I just want to keep to tucked safely inside with me. I smile al the time, but inside.... it. just. hurts. In less than a week it will be two years since we said hello, and we didn't get to say goodbye. I did get to tell you I loved you though, but that didn't save you. Reality is a cold gust of wind: it wipes away the fantasy of you coming back to life. There is part of me that says, "It's time to let go," but I can't....I just can't. If I do then you really are dead. That thought splits my heart and sucks the air our of my lungs. I feel sick even thinking about it. As much as I don't want it to be true, it is.
The other night your dad and I explored this beach/ park we go to all the time. We climbed up this hill as the sun set and watched the water. It was beautiful. We then began to walk through the paths of green grass and tall trees. Then, like magic all of these fireflies came out. It was so serine, and majestic. It was like we were in another world. I stopped and stood still watching their bright little lights beam on and off. As they sparked through the night I thought about you. You would have been so enchanted. I would have taught you to let them be wild and free, let them live so they can bring light to everyone. I didn't tell your daddy, because I didn't want to make him sad. You should have been there my little prince. I would have shown you everything that is good in the world. You were the best thing on this planet. Will I ever get to see you again my little star? No, you aren't just a star; you are a nebulas. You were a star when you were here, but when you died you broke free and became the greatest beauty in the sky. You are greater than a star. You are my universe. I love you to infinity and back. It's raining, and I wish you where here to cuddle with.
The other night your dad and I explored this beach/ park we go to all the time. We climbed up this hill as the sun set and watched the water. It was beautiful. We then began to walk through the paths of green grass and tall trees. Then, like magic all of these fireflies came out. It was so serine, and majestic. It was like we were in another world. I stopped and stood still watching their bright little lights beam on and off. As they sparked through the night I thought about you. You would have been so enchanted. I would have taught you to let them be wild and free, let them live so they can bring light to everyone. I didn't tell your daddy, because I didn't want to make him sad. You should have been there my little prince. I would have shown you everything that is good in the world. You were the best thing on this planet. Will I ever get to see you again my little star? No, you aren't just a star; you are a nebulas. You were a star when you were here, but when you died you broke free and became the greatest beauty in the sky. You are greater than a star. You are my universe. I love you to infinity and back. It's raining, and I wish you where here to cuddle with.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
My sweet boy,
I'm listening to your playlist right now. Tried to start cleaning the house but, I just needed to write you. I'm so unhappy right now. I'm tryng so hard my little man, to be strong for you. In a month and half it s going to be two years since you where born, and two years since you died. You would have been a toddler next month. I would be planning your second party. You would be walking and talking, maybe even saying momma. I've felt so sick over this lately. Your dad and I have had so much on our plates. I wish something good would happen for us. We just need something, but at least we have each other. You dad tries to hard to keep me happy, and I am so lucky to have him. He keeps me going, even when he drives me nuts. Sometimes at night while he is sleeping, and he has his arms around me I just pull him close. I pull his as tight as I can next to me and try to remember everything about him, his eyes, hair, face, body, and his smell. I am so afraid that one day I won't get that chance. I think about that all the time, who else will be ripped from me before I end this life. How many more times will m heart break? Will I be here alone? I get so anxious over the thought of dying and never getting to see any of you again. I haven't felt you in a while baby boy. I haven't even had a dream of you. I dream of maw maw janice all the time, maybe she could bring you with her next time? I miss you both.I'll always miss you both, but this is the world I have to live in right now. The world of the living. The world of the breathing. Could you give me a sign you are still with me? I need it right now baby. Love you to the moon and back.
I'm listening to your playlist right now. Tried to start cleaning the house but, I just needed to write you. I'm so unhappy right now. I'm tryng so hard my little man, to be strong for you. In a month and half it s going to be two years since you where born, and two years since you died. You would have been a toddler next month. I would be planning your second party. You would be walking and talking, maybe even saying momma. I've felt so sick over this lately. Your dad and I have had so much on our plates. I wish something good would happen for us. We just need something, but at least we have each other. You dad tries to hard to keep me happy, and I am so lucky to have him. He keeps me going, even when he drives me nuts. Sometimes at night while he is sleeping, and he has his arms around me I just pull him close. I pull his as tight as I can next to me and try to remember everything about him, his eyes, hair, face, body, and his smell. I am so afraid that one day I won't get that chance. I think about that all the time, who else will be ripped from me before I end this life. How many more times will m heart break? Will I be here alone? I get so anxious over the thought of dying and never getting to see any of you again. I haven't felt you in a while baby boy. I haven't even had a dream of you. I dream of maw maw janice all the time, maybe she could bring you with her next time? I miss you both.I'll always miss you both, but this is the world I have to live in right now. The world of the living. The world of the breathing. Could you give me a sign you are still with me? I need it right now baby. Love you to the moon and back.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Hi my little man.
I was just going through all the poems I have written about you. I know it's been a long time since I have written you. I've been in a funk little man, it's like I just can't even handle missing you anymore. Even though I have been working on you March of Dimes fundraiser I still haven't been ale to sit and think about you. It's like my heart is just worn out little guy. No one ever talks about how exhausting it is just to grieve. Just know though that you are always in my heart. Two months until your birthday. 2 years baby...two fucking years without you. People keep telling me that it will get easier, and it's not. I'm becoming angry a lot more lately. Not at anyone, just internally. I just want to scream sometimes because I need you so bad. I don't want to be so mad, but I am love. I want you to be down here with daddy and I. You belong here. Mother's day is next week. Ugh fuck that day, we have to go to your great grandmother's to celebrate, but I just want to stay in bed, or maybe plant flowers. I don't need any more reminders that you aren't here, and that people don't think of me as a mother. It just agitates me. Anyways love, I don't mean to be so negative. This is why I haven't written, you need a happy mommy. I would be happy if you where here. I love you baby.
I was just going through all the poems I have written about you. I know it's been a long time since I have written you. I've been in a funk little man, it's like I just can't even handle missing you anymore. Even though I have been working on you March of Dimes fundraiser I still haven't been ale to sit and think about you. It's like my heart is just worn out little guy. No one ever talks about how exhausting it is just to grieve. Just know though that you are always in my heart. Two months until your birthday. 2 years baby...two fucking years without you. People keep telling me that it will get easier, and it's not. I'm becoming angry a lot more lately. Not at anyone, just internally. I just want to scream sometimes because I need you so bad. I don't want to be so mad, but I am love. I want you to be down here with daddy and I. You belong here. Mother's day is next week. Ugh fuck that day, we have to go to your great grandmother's to celebrate, but I just want to stay in bed, or maybe plant flowers. I don't need any more reminders that you aren't here, and that people don't think of me as a mother. It just agitates me. Anyways love, I don't mean to be so negative. This is why I haven't written, you need a happy mommy. I would be happy if you where here. I love you baby.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
"We shall meet again in a place with no darkness"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dACc90YQsVA&feature=player_embedded
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dACc90YQsVA&feature=player_embedded
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I miss you my little love. Your daddy took my to see one of my favorite bands last night. I needed it. Thier music has always helped me with my healing. They played the song that reminds me of you "Varuo"... I couldn't stop crying. I could feel you with me my baby. I love you so much. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-j1nTglf38
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Where do we go/
When our souls relase/
Into the atmosphere?
Did of the world fall from you shoulders?
Did you feel free?
Did you fly up high?
Kiss me good night?
Through airy lips, and buzzing shocks.
Did you sing me a song?
Catch the tears that never end?
Will you come back,
Love me again?
Love me again?
Shaped like a star,
Blazing in my dreams.
Blazing in my dreams.
Can I still love you?
Can you be with me?
Obscure to my eyes/
Lightening in my heart.
For the rest of my life.
Come back to life,
Come back to me.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTVhKgT5LI4
I just heard this song. I started to write, and think I might have written your first song. I wanted you to have the first draft my love. I miss you. I miss you...oh god I miss you so much.
Beyond This Day
I've felt older
Older and over ,
Pulled and tried,
I did my best
To give myself a good life.
With a heavy heart we’ll go
With a heavy heart you’ll know
(2x) possible chorus
I wanted him,
but he couldn't stay,
I tried my best,
To believe he’s better now.
Nothing shines forever.
I loved with my all,
I’ve given even more.
Grief won’t take a holiday.
All I can live for,
Is an afterlife with you.
Can this last forever?
Will you be my dream?
I will find you
I will see you.
I will hold you.
When all is left behind.
Beyond this day.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I had a dream last night bout having a little boy. I don't remember all of the details, but when I finally got to see him he was around eight. Long curly hair like your dads, tan skin, skinny, and little teeth like mine. Was it you little man? I remember in the dream laying on my side on a ledge, and beneath me was water and sand and people...the water was so many colors. It was bright and lovely. I wasn't scared of the height as the ledge crumbled underneath me. I wasn't afraid of falling because my little boy was there. I got up to find you, but I couldn't. I turned around and my lovely beach turned into a porch. Even in my dream my fantasy was gone. My heart hurts today.
Monday, February 11, 2013
My love,
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm so sorry, I guess it's just made me too sad to do so. Another year has com before me, and I am just faced with another 365 days of dates...all for you. In six months it will be 2 years since you died. Two years too long...
Your daddy and I thought we where going to have another baby this weekend. I was five days late, and I was in denial. Then Saturday I let my self believe that it could actually be true. I thought maybe you where coming back. I let myself actually believe, that I had life inside of this dying body. There would be two hearts instead of one...for moment I let myself be happy. An hour later I found out that I was in fact not pregnant. You where not coming back, and you didn't find a sibling. I just cried.your dad was sad too. He sad that one day we would have more kids, we would get that second chance. When that day comes we would be so happy, but now we just miss you little man. You should be here with us. This isn't the life we where supposed to live, but live it we must. Our love became even stronger sweetness, you made us stronger.
In two weeks it will be 2 years to the day that I found out that you where living within me. I've decided to kick off my fundraiser for the March of Dimes that day, that was one of the scariest and happiest days of my life, and you deserve to be honored for bringing me such joy and love to us.
I feel so sad lately, but I feel hopeful. I love you my little dream.
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm so sorry, I guess it's just made me too sad to do so. Another year has com before me, and I am just faced with another 365 days of dates...all for you. In six months it will be 2 years since you died. Two years too long...
Your daddy and I thought we where going to have another baby this weekend. I was five days late, and I was in denial. Then Saturday I let my self believe that it could actually be true. I thought maybe you where coming back. I let myself actually believe, that I had life inside of this dying body. There would be two hearts instead of one...for moment I let myself be happy. An hour later I found out that I was in fact not pregnant. You where not coming back, and you didn't find a sibling. I just cried.your dad was sad too. He sad that one day we would have more kids, we would get that second chance. When that day comes we would be so happy, but now we just miss you little man. You should be here with us. This isn't the life we where supposed to live, but live it we must. Our love became even stronger sweetness, you made us stronger.
In two weeks it will be 2 years to the day that I found out that you where living within me. I've decided to kick off my fundraiser for the March of Dimes that day, that was one of the scariest and happiest days of my life, and you deserve to be honored for bringing me such joy and love to us.
I feel so sad lately, but I feel hopeful. I love you my little dream.
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