Hey My Darling,
So I haven't even been awake tht long and I am so frutrated. It's going to be one of those days. I miss you already. As soon as I got up your dad was ready to go get his hair cut, I told him all week I would go with him but I am just so annoyed this morning. I want to lay in bed and just stay there. Today isn't going to be a good day, I can feel it. I am just cramping and misreable. I hate when I get like this, but I just can't control it. You should be here....I am so mad you aren't. I know that beautiful face of yours would mak me feel better. I just feel so trapped and alone today. I miss you baby, and I cant get you back. It's final, a done deal no going back.
I feel so alone and sad. I feel like veryone is going to abandon me evetually. Steven is going to get tired of me having days like this, my friends are going to give up on me for not calling them, and my family is just going to get annoyed with me after a while. If not in that way I feel like everyone is going to die Phoenix they are all going to go be with you and I will be here on the crappy earth alone. If you can die then I know that anyone can and will. No matter what I am going to be alone on this earth eventually. I feel so damn alone. If you where here I would have you to take care of and love. I would care about getting up at all ours of the night or sacrificing things for you. Just writing all this makes me cry, I've never cried so much in my life. I miss you I miss you, I miss you. It just hurts so bad. I used to be sad about how many people I have known in the past that died, but now am grateful that they are with you. I just wish we could all be together. I wish I could walk with you once in the sunlight- just hold your hand and smile down on you. Then just hug you, hug you so close and never let you go. Oh God, why can't you be with me. I feel so broken now, empty and broken. I just want you baby boy, is that too much to ask out of this world? I know you are happy and safe wherever you are, and I hope you come and visit me. I had a dream about holding a baby the other night but it didn't feel like you. I wish you would come back in my dreams again.
I still remember the dream I had of you a few nights after you died. The woman coming in telling m you didn't have to die. She took your body and brought you back to life with a room full of people. I heard you cry honey...you cried out and I couldn't beleive you were alive. When you were born you didn't cry..your mouth moved but no sound evr came out, but in my dream you did. I cried so hard in my dream with such joy that you were back, my little boy made it back. Then I woke up in the dark next to your daddy. I remember the reality sinking in...no one can bring you back. We would be buring you that weekend.
I wish that dream was my reality. It's not and I have to face the rest of my life without you. That seems like an eternity sometimes. I don't fear death anymore because of you. You gave m that gift baby, and so many more. I love you my most precious. I wish I could be with you. I'm no longer mad this morning, back to being lost in my tears. Please now honey that I wouldn't change a thing. If I knew in the begining this is how it would end I would still have you. You have brought so much love to me and changed me for the better. I have at least had you with me for those 23 weeks is the best thing I have every been through. I'll take the pain if it ment having you with me. I love you so so much pumkin. I gotta go now. I just needed to talk to you, but I am always here if you need me.
I hope get a sign from you today...I really need one.
Love you ALWAYS,
Momma
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