Today is the day

Hello my little Phoenix,
 I finally did it. I created my blog for you. I'm sorry it's not much my little man, but I will figure this thing out soon enough so I can put your pictures up and show the world my little prince. Even though you aren't alive in them I still think you are the most beautiful creature that has ever existed.
 It's been 134 days since you died!!! ONE HUNDREN AND THIRTY FIVE. That seems like so long ago baby, but to me it was just yesterday. I looked at all of your sonogram pictures for the first time today. I went into the shed, pulled out the box with your baby stuff in it and found them very easily. I think you had something to do with that. I brought them in and just stared at you. You first sonogram was so funny, you looked like a little shrimp with a head...that's what your uncle chris said. You were on top of your head and it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I knew you were going to to be a goofball, much like your father and I. You were going to to be one funny kid. I remember when you where born, and I help you in my hands. You were so tiny, and you couldn't even open your eyes. Even as I cried for the ambulance to get there...to hurry and save you..through all the fear..I remember looking at you little mouth moving. I was so so so in love with you. I was is shock but I still remember your tiny little hands that you couldn't even open yet. Your adorable nose, and you chest I pressed to keep that amazing little heart of yours beating. Your chest was just like your dads..everything was. You were going to look so much like him. I still imagine you older... a perfect little mirror image of your dad.

You would love your dad...he's one of the greatest human beings out there. He was jumping for joy when he found out you were a boy. I tricked him that day and told him I didn't find out, but I did. I remember just floating on a cloud as I shopped for a cute little boys plaid shirt to match your dad's. When I gave it to him he was the happeiest I have ever seen him. You brought so much joy to both of us my sweet pea.
 I have so many amazing memories of you and I together. People don't understand how bonded a mother becomes to their child as they are growing inside of you. Now you are gone, and so is part of myself. I am no longer a whole human being, you are my little phantom limb.
 I really wanted to be your mom, I know that I still am, but there were so many things I wanted to show you...to teach you. I had so much planned for you my little love. You were going to be the greatest thing I've ever accomplished...honey you still are.
 I wish I could be better for you. I hate that I am an emotional basket case...one minute I can breathe with ease...the next I feel like my entire chest is going to explode with the pain. Somedays I feel like the tears truly will never ever end, and others I am just plain mad. I hate that you can see me when I get mad. I want to you to know that I want to be full of love and when it comes to you I am. I'm just angry at the world right now. That's why I still haven't talked to any of my friends. I don't want to drag them down with me, I don't know how to be the person I was before you died. The things that were important to me then have absolutly no power over me now. I feel alienated and so alone. I miss you so much.
 I worry sometimes that your daddy will give up on me, that my pain will take us both over. I know he loves you too baby boy...the only time I ever saw him cry was when you died. He just keeps it close, but I wish somwtimes he would talk about you more. I know people grieve diferently. I just hate when people try to pretend that you don't exist. I want to the world to know about you...YOU ARE PHOENIX AND YOU LIVED! I want to shout it at the top of my lungs sometimes! You aren't just a fetus...or a loss...you're my child and I love you like no other.
 Well sweetheart I just wanted to send you a little letter up above to let you know I am thinking about you. I don't know how often I will post here but I just want a place to go to be close to you. These letters are for you my darling. Hopefully they will be able to heal another mommy our there whose child is up above with you. We mothers who have lost our babies need each other. I've made some great friends through a website, and we mom's have decided that all our boys are together and we were brought together because you you guys. Thank for that my dream. I LOVE YOU PHOENIX! I'll never ever ever stop. I promise you that.
                            Love always,
                                Momma