November 30-This would have been the first full month of your life.

Hi baby boy,
 So today would have marked your one month of life on earth with me and your daddy. It's hitting me hard I guess the 30th of every month now is going to be that day. In three days it will be five months since you died. I wish you were here baby, I can't stand how much I miss you. I cried myself to sleep again last night. This Christams is going to be so hard baby. Your earth grandma my mommy ordered a beautiful ornament for us to put on the tree to remember you by. I wish I had you instead. We should be buying you your baby's first christmas ornament not an ornament to memorialize your death. My whole world is on top of itself. I'm trying so hard baby boy yo be positive. I just don't know if I can handle this every year.
 Your daddy keep telling me I will be happy again. I know he means well, and he just wants me to be happy because I know it hurts himto seeme sad. It's just that I can't ever imagine being fully happy ever again. I did laugh yesterday in a way I haven't in a long time. I was grateful for that moment, but it will never be true hapiness. I just need you SO much. I wish people would just understand that. Part of me is gone with you and it won't ever come back. I just wish you were here, I haven't felt you in a long time baby. I hope you haven't left me, but I want you to be happy. I love you so somuc, and I will go through this suffering if it means you are happy. This is a suffering any mother would for her child. I hope you love me honey, because I sure love you!
 Thanksgiving went ok. Imade it through the day despite thinking the whole time you should be here. I kept imagining you being held by everyone and playing with the family. You would have been the shinning star baby boy. You will always be my light.
 Please baby boy help me get through these holiday. I need your love. I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish I never had to start this blog. I just wish you were still here on this earth with me. So many people for christmas want such stupid things...material crap. I just want you but that is one gift I'll never have as long as I walk this earth.
 I miss you baby. I love you I love you love you!!!!
                   Always here for you,
                        Momma