Hey my Sweetness-
I miss you so much today. I went out today since your day had a buiness dinner to go to. I thought it would just be an easy day to walk around the mall and pick up a couple of things. On the way there the weather was terrible, my boots were soaked before I even got to the bus stop. I took the bus and made it to the mall pretty quickly. When I got there I went into a couple of stores looking for ideas for you daddy's chistmas gift. I was hungry and decided to head to the ood court to get a bite. When I got to the end of the mall there he was...my now worste nightmare...Santa Clause...the whole christmas set up was already there. It's not even Thanksgiving yet Phoenix...why am I already being bombarde with Santa Clause! I couldn't help but imagine you there, in your christmas suit sitting in his lap. This should be your first Thanksgiving, your first Chrstmans. You should be getting spoiled otten right now. You should have been there with me. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I wnet upstairs and got something to eat. As I sat there all alone eating it took everything for me not to cry in my food...how sad is that...I must have looked so stupid...sitting there eating nackos and trying not to ball. It's not fair baby...it's just not fair...I want you here so bad. This pain in unbearable sometimes. I feel so lost and alone without you...I'm alone so much but I just can't reach out besides Steven. Mom, and my wonderful Miss Girls. Even somedays that's to hard to do.
I made it through though, and went and got a card and a new New York Mets hat for your daddy. Did you know that this Saturday will be one year since we moved in together. The begining of our journey to you. We haven't planned anything but I just wanted to let him know how much I care. I wish you were here with us too. I remember thinking how wonderfuk it was going to be to celebrate our first year together with you. You would have been showered with so much love. We would have been the three musketeers...well with Simon it would be fou, but you get it.
So on the way home I tripped a fell...like embarrassing bad. Not one person stopped to see if I was ok. I was thinking about you at the time and completly tripped. My bag of things flew everywhere. I was just over it by that point. I walked home with my shredded bag, cold wet, and scrapped up (it wasn't that bad). I just felt so defeted. I wish your dad was home because I really need a hug.
Anyways I just still haven't managed the art of keeping it together while I am out. I wish one day I could go out and not want to cry, and not be assulted with all of the stupid christmas stuff. I just wish I didn't have to celebrate any holiday this year, but I do. I don't want to bring others down because of my saddness, I just wish you were here so much!!!!! My parents keep asking me what I want for Christmas, and I just want you...that's all. You under the Christmas tree...that's not much to ask right?
I miss you and love you baby, I hope I see you in my dreams tonight.
Love you sweetness-
Momma
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