Don't Die I Love You.

 Phoenix Honey,
 I miss you so much today so much it burns though my heart. I cried myself to sleep again last night, I tried to be quiet last night so I wouldn't wake you daddy. I kept thinking about the night and morning that you died. The only thing I ever wimpered to you was "Please don't die I love you." That simply. I never believe in love at first sight until I saw you. Through all the fer and choas, of your birth I just looked at you and loved you. I knew what if you died I would never be the same. I would always have this hole in my heart. I just kept think last night, that I should have said more...I should have kissed you. Love is supposed to save everything right? You see in in movies, you hear all of these miracles where love prevailed...but why didn't my love save you? I miss you so much, that I am just beaking down. You were made from pure love, so why couldn't it heal you?
 I watched your daddy sleep last night, and I just thought about how much I love him. How he needs me here, and that's why I can't be with you. You know, it's been a long road for us to get to be together but I wouldn't want anyone else. I think about how much you looked like him and how I am grateful that he gave you to me. You are the GREATEST thing I ever made. We were going to be an amazing family. Me and my boys. You know we both wanted a boy, we wanted you. Everyone said you were a boy. You have no idea how much you were loved baby boy. You have so much love here on earth and you only lived 23 weeks and 30 minutes. I wish you were here now, it's raining and I wish I had you here to cuddle with.
 Honey, I don't want to be sad when I think of you. I am not always. Sometimes I think of my memories of being pregnant with you and I smile. You and I had some good times together. Everytime I see chili and cheese I think of you and how you made me crave it. You were my little eater. I just wish you were here to still bing all the joy to all of us.
 I have convinced myself that you are in a great place where I will see you again, but sometimes I fear that I am just believing all of this to protect myself from the fact I will never see you again. I read all about the after life and near death experiences and phsycics. They all say I will see you again, but what if I don't? :( I wonder f you saw the bright light that everyone talkes about. I had a dream about that light once and my Aunt Becky who passed away years before was in it. I could actually see her but I knew it was her. Are you there with her? I has to be true...it has to be. I get so much anxiety over that that I think my chest will burst sometimes. That thought makes me unhinged at the very thought of it. I try not to focus on it though because I fear that I might loose what little sanity I have left. I just want to be with you so bad. No one but someone who has been through this can understand. This pain will never go away. Even if I have a good day or two, it always comes back. I just have to wait through this life to know the answers in the end. I just wish with all my heart that I will be with you again and your father all together. That when I die you are in that light waiting for me. Please watch over your daddy and I while you are up there. Especially your dad, if I lost him I don't think I would be able to cope anymore. You two are my life and without the both of you I am no longer.
 I hope you are not gone forever my little prince but alive more than ever wherever you maybe. I feel like you are with your grandmother the most. I never got to meet her but your daddy makes he sound like she was a lot of fun :). I know she is taking care of you along with all of my family. Have you met your cousin Rebecca yet? She's a sweetie and so is her daddy my uncle...your geat uncle. You have more of our family up there that the ones living down here. I am so glad they are with you sweetness. I am so glad that you are surrounded by pure pure love.
 Well love, I am ging to get going. I feel the tears coming on AGAIN. I miss you more than I have ever mssed anyone in my life, and more that I ever will. You are the light of my life little Phoenix. I love you, I love you, I love you!
                               Always your biggest fan,
                                        Momma