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Thursday, December 29, 2011

I'm missing you so much right now. I was reading a story on the MISS sight and it brought me back to the day we buried you. I can't get that image out of my head...it breaks my heart everytime I think of you. I still don't know how I have made it this far. Tat day I wanted to die: I thought I would never ever be able to breathe again. With the luck of having the love of your father and our family I have made it day by day. I just don't know what tis next yer has in store for me. I'm scared Phoenix, one day I am ok and te next I feel like the world is shattering all around me. I feel like I am never going to be sain again. Nothing will be smoothe sailing...it's always going to be waves...pushing and throwing me up and down. Balance is lost.
 I'm sorry I am always so sad wen I write you. I just feel like I have know were to put this. I don't want to bring down all the people around me. I'm trying to keep te brave strong front up but it just seems so hard some days.
 Jan 3rd is rght around the corner...six months. You've been gone a half a year...it hasn't gotten better. It's just that time is taking me futher and further away from you. I need you back honey...I need you to be with me and your father. I wish you would come back. I would wake up one day and you would be here in my arms. It's all I want and will ever want. Your daddy bought be a wonderful camera for christmas. I would have taken so many beautiful pictures of you. You would have had a million pictures of you.
 I'm not making any sense anymore so I am going to go. Just know baby boy I love you above the moon and stars. You are my life, and you are my dream. I love you ALWAYS!!!
                                           Momma

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Hey my baby,
 I haven't been able to be on here in  a while and I am so sorry. I was at my mom and dad's house for the week and even chrstmas. I issed you so much baby. I tried so hard to keep a happy face on while I was down there, but on cristmas is was just to hard. I lost it when my mom gave me my present for you. It's a beautiful ornament with your name in it and a memory box for you. It was so sweet of her, but it just killed me, I should be opening clotes and toys for you you...not this. I tought after christmas I would feel better, bit I feel worse. I realized christmas day you aren't coming back...you are really gone. I feel like the pain has come back ten folds. I don't know how I can do this anymore...
 I'm just getting so angry and bitter baby. I don't want to be this way...my heart just hurts so bad. I can't take it sometimes. I'm just mad at everything, and insecure...I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how anyone even loves me, because I don't even want to look atmyself in the mirror anymore. I just want tobreak something...just completly destroy it. I want to get this rage out of me but I have no where to go. I feel like this pain is going to burn me up from the inside out, because I just can't handle the fact that you aren't here. People say it will get easier, and it does for a little while...then there comes te grief growing bigger and bigger in my heart till it feels like it is going to explode. I don't know how much longer I can keep this front up. I just want to cry baby.
 I just keep thinking about all the things you'll never get to do. I never got to see you smile honey,te only image I have of you is suffering...your poor little face struggling to catch your breath. I can't take it...I CAN'T! How am I supposed to live with this...how does anyone.
 I'm trying so hard baby but the pain is weighing on me...it's just so heavy. I just want to be happy again, and that will never happen because you won't ever be with me again. I know you're gone...

Monday, December 19, 2011

Hi my darling,
 I am so sorry I a haven't written you sooner. I have just been kinda emotional alllast week. Since my grandma died I feel like my grief if wide open again. I miss her but I am really sad for my dad. He feels so unloved by his mom, and that makes me so sad thinking that a mom could pass on and never leve her son feeling loved. I wouldnever do that to you. I hope youknow how much I love you baby. Christmas is getting harder and harder for me. I just wish you were with me and I was dssing youup in christams clothes and buying you tons of toys and fun things for your first christmas. I just can't beleive you aren't here. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully accpet that. My heart feels like it will truly burt wide open the day I do. I still can't breathe when I think of my whole life without you. I justlove you so much.
 We went to your grave yesterday. It made me reallt sad so I coudn't stay long. I was trying so hard not to cry, but of course I broke down. Your little bear I bought you adn the pinwheel grandma bought where gone. It just mademe so upset, even though steven warned me not get to attatched to the things we put there., but it's hard. I don't get to giveyou many things but the things I do I want you to have always. I know it's stupid since your not hear but it bring me some joy when  bring you presents. It's just so hard knowing your perfectlittle body is buried there. I want to hold you so badly somtimes that it makes my arms actually ache...can you believe that? I just don't know if I'll ever be a mom again. Maybe I was just ment to only have you...my sweet perfect angel.
 Your dad took me to go see the national last week. I love that band so much. We had a good night, and I thought abotu you a lot. Then they played "Exile Vilified" and the minute I heard the frst note I cried and cried and cried. I wanted you so much! I still and will always think of you when I hear that song since my friend dedicated that video he made to that song. He gave you some more immortality. People will read your name whenever they see his video and you will be remembered. I need you to be remembered always.
 I dreamd bout my grnadma last night. It was an awfu dream all around. I have been having alot of nightmares lately baby. I don't even like going to sleep anymore. I wish I could have sweet dreams of you. That'sall I really want for christmas is just on vision of you. I'd trade all my gifts for it...anything. I just don't know if I will make it through this week with a straight head.
 We are leaving to go to atlanta wednesday and I am nervous. I am glad that we will get to be with our family, but I am so nervous about seeing my friends. I feel like I have changed so much, and I don't know if I will be able to be the person I used to be around them. I don't know how to react to anything.  I feel overwelmed about it. I still don't look like I am in the best shape earlier and I am afraid of being judged...I know that is stupid by I just feel comeplelty self concious. I don't feel at all like the person I used to be. I justfeel like a failure sometimes. I don't know I'm just babbling now baby. I shoudn't be burnening yo with my problems. I don't want to cover you with sadness so I am going to go now...I love you with every bit ofmy heart.
                             I wish you were here,
                                  Momma

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Hi baby boy-
So I just found out that your great granma janice is with you in heaven or whatever place you are in. I can't beleive she is gone, but I am so happy you are with her. I'm stll in shock baby boy, that last time I saw her I was pregnant with you. Now you both are gone. Everyone is going to die and leave me. That's how I feel right now. I miss you both so much. I don't know if I can handle much more my sweet, I can't beleive I lost you both this year. I'm so sad right now. I hope she is just as beautiful up there as she was down here. I know she is free now, and that's the only comfort I have. Please take care of her and show her all around. I'm really sad right now baby so I am going to go, but I love you so so so so much. I wish you two were here with me, but I amglad youhave each other. I love you and Ma Ma Jancice always.
                          Always your momma

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Hi sweetheart,

Sorry I didn't write you this weekend. It was so busy a full of all kinds of emotions.
 Saturady was ok, your dad and I watched ufc fights...I can't belive how into them I have gotten. You r dad loves them and I understand why now. I was a big let down though. My favorite fighter lost. I felt so bad at him, because he got a beating. It just sucked becausehe was such a good guy, and the guy who beat him was a jerk. Just another reminder that good doesn't always prevail. I used to beleive it always  would, but these days that seems impossble to believe.
 Sunday we brought back the boat to the marina. I didn't realize how sad I was going to be. As your dad worked on getting it started I imagined you being in there with him, a little older and playing. My heart just broke all over again. I know you and your dad would have been two peas in a pod. As we headed there I just kept thinking how sad I am that I won't be able to go out on the water for so long. I feel so close to you out there in the bay. It makes me think of that last day you were with me. That was one of the most perfect day of my life...I remember just floating in the ocean with you. Looking at your daddy and simon, I thought : This is what heaven must look like. I didn't know in a matter of hours you would be gone forever. Now anytime I am on that boat I think of you. I feel like you are with us. We fed the swans before we left on the boat. The babies are now fully adults...they have left their parents and soon once it gets colder they will leave too. I remember when they were born, and I was pregnant with you. As they grew I knew they would be growing like you. They started off with five babies...the day we went out before you died there were only four. I knew that one baby had died. Little did I know it would be foreshowing that you would be leaving us too. Everytime I see those swans I think of that. They are so big now, and a perfect white...I wonder if that swan is with you.
 I am just dreading this winter...it's all taking me away from you. The boat, the swans, and it's going to be to cold to go to your grave sight that often. I want to always be close to you. I don't want the winter to come a swallow you up. I don't want to feel even further from you. I didn't realize how hard this is going to be baby.
 We decorated the chrsitmas tree on Monday. I didn't cry this time baby. I tried to think of you in a good way. We played christmas music and your dad and I had fun putting up the ornaments, but I just kept thinking how you will never get to put any of these ornanments on the tree. Grandma bought a beautiful ornament for me in memory of you to put on the tree. It's should be here in a week or so. I hope you are with me when I put  it on the tree. Your grandparents were going to spoil you rotten. I wish they still could. They are wonderful people baby. I know you love them from up above.
 Phoenix, please be with me this season. I need you close. I love you so so so so much!
                     
                  

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Five Months Since You Were Born and Died.

Hi my love,
 Its been five months since you came in this world kicking and breathing, and five months since your last breath escaped your lips. I miss you so much, it feel like it was just yesterday I was holding you in my hands. So in love with you and so scared for you at the same time. Life took you away from me and now I will have to wait a long time till I get to be with you again. I'm sad baby boy. Your daddy is in the kitchen making pancakes for me. He so wonderful and he always makes the best ones...he always make them a different way with something fun on top. You would have loved it. I wish you were here but you not. I guess one day it will get easier but for now I am just stuck here with this ache...this ache that haunts me everywhere I go. A constant reminder that you will never be in my arms. I love you baby...you should be here with us.
                                      Love always and forever-
                                                  Momma

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I need you.

Hey baby,
Today has been so hard. Ineed you so much today. I woke up crying and I just haven't been able to stop. Some days it is bearable, but a lot of days are still like this. My heart breaking more and more. I just can't take it sometimes baby. I know you are with me in spirit, and one day we will be together again, but not having you here with me in this life just seems too hard. I feel like I am breaking down today. Everything I read turns me to tears. I've lost all motivation to leave the house, I don't know when I'll be ready for the world again. I just don't understand it, or anything anymore. I just can't take missing you like I do. EverytimeI read an article on child loss I feel so upset. I never imagined I would be reading these because I too have a dead child. You should be alive, breathing and taking in this brand new world. I hate this so much.
 I feel like it all my fault sometimes. I should have made the doctor do more. I shouldn't have let them discharge me. Why was I so stupid? Why did I trust them? If they would have done more you would have had a chance. The minute I left the hosital was the minute your death was signed, sealed, and delivered. How am I supposed to live with this? How am I suppoesed to ever trust anther doctor?How am I supposed to have another happy pregnancy?My life is completly shattered,and I just don't know if I'll ever find my way back. They say that nowmy life is a new normal...but I don't feel any way near even that. I feel like an outkast. Everything makesme want to cry...I wish I was stronger baby. I wish I could be a better mom for you even though you are physically so far away. I hope you are proud of me, because I am so proud to be your mom.
 I keep thinking about your grave sight, and the day we buried you. I have never cried so hard in my life. I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't stand the thought of themputting you in the ground. Everything went by so fast. I didn't feel like I was given the chance to say goodbye. I just sat there on my kneesmy hand on your tiny little casket just begging for it to not be true. You had five flower laying on it...I wanted to to come back to life right then and there.Just cry and tell me to take you away. But you ddn't and my mom and Steven picked me up and pulled me away from you.  I watched from the car as they put you in the earth. You body was gone, never to feel the light and warmth of the sun. I was a beautiful day honey. God gave us that.
 Baby I feel better when I write you. I get out all my saddness and know that you are there to listen. I know you can read this but I know you feel what I am writing. I just need you hney. I need you so much.
                             Love,
                              Momma

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thank You For the Sign Today.

Thank you baby for the sign today sweetie. I needed to feel you close. I love you so much, and I hope you do come back to me today.
 I was just thinking about how beautiful you are. That you were created from love. You are love personified.
You are everything.
                  I love you baby,
                          Momma

November 30-This would have been the first full month of your life.

Hi baby boy,
 So today would have marked your one month of life on earth with me and your daddy. It's hitting me hard I guess the 30th of every month now is going to be that day. In three days it will be five months since you died. I wish you were here baby, I can't stand how much I miss you. I cried myself to sleep again last night. This Christams is going to be so hard baby. Your earth grandma my mommy ordered a beautiful ornament for us to put on the tree to remember you by. I wish I had you instead. We should be buying you your baby's first christmas ornament not an ornament to memorialize your death. My whole world is on top of itself. I'm trying so hard baby boy yo be positive. I just don't know if I can handle this every year.
 Your daddy keep telling me I will be happy again. I know he means well, and he just wants me to be happy because I know it hurts himto seeme sad. It's just that I can't ever imagine being fully happy ever again. I did laugh yesterday in a way I haven't in a long time. I was grateful for that moment, but it will never be true hapiness. I just need you SO much. I wish people would just understand that. Part of me is gone with you and it won't ever come back. I just wish you were here, I haven't felt you in a long time baby. I hope you haven't left me, but I want you to be happy. I love you so somuc, and I will go through this suffering if it means you are happy. This is a suffering any mother would for her child. I hope you love me honey, because I sure love you!
 Thanksgiving went ok. Imade it through the day despite thinking the whole time you should be here. I kept imagining you being held by everyone and playing with the family. You would have been the shinning star baby boy. You will always be my light.
 Please baby boy help me get through these holiday. I need your love. I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish I never had to start this blog. I just wish you were still here on this earth with me. So many people for christmas want such stupid things...material crap. I just want you but that is one gift I'll never have as long as I walk this earth.
 I miss you baby. I love you I love you love you!!!!
                   Always here for you,
                        Momma

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and what I am thankful for most is you.

Hi Honey Bear,
 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. You should be with me sharing the day with your daddy, and family. We are baking pies tonight, but for soe reason that notion has made me cry all over again. These tears aren't ever going to end. I wish you were here my love. It's not fair, you should be here. I was so ecxited when I pregnant with you  to celebrate with you for your first year. Now I am just trying to be strong for your dad, put on a happy face and make the best of it. I know he willbe thinking of you to tomorrow. I just don't want to cry in front of him again. He always comforts me when I break down but I know it hurts him. Please baby boy give me the strength to not lose it the next couple of days. It's so hard doing all of this without you. I miss you so much its breaking my heart more and more. I'm just trying to be strong...that's what I have to keep telling myself...stay strong. I just love you so much and wish you where here to hold but your not...your gone and I am left here to live without you. I need to go to the cemetary soon to visit you. I bought you a little christams bear that matched the one on your grave marker. It's the onyl thing I will be able to get you for christams. Decorating your headstone instead of your christmas tree and presents. Ugh I hate these hellidays now. I hope that changes one day for you my love.
 I miss you so much baby. I hope you are with me today, tomorrow and always.
  Thank you for you baby. I love you with all of my heart.
I gotta go now, you daddy will be home soon, and I want to clean my face up so he won't be sad when he sees me.
       Love you always baby-
         Momma

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

In My Veins

Hello my Prince,
 Of course I am in tears again today missing you. I was writing one of my friends and telling her about music and I decided to to go to my playlist website and listen to some songs. I haven't really made any playlist since yo died. You daddy made one after your granmother left after your funeral. That's all that has been added since then.
 I miss you so much honey, a song called "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle came one and it just made me think of when you were truly in my veins. When we shared the same blood and body. You were part of me literlly, and you didn't make it. Some days it feels like it's getting harder instead of easier. How long will this pain last baby boy? It's so strange how as a parent we are supposed to take care of our children, hold them up, and support them. You are supposed to come to me when you are troubled and I make it better. That's how it is supposed to work. For me though, it's now the oppositte. I look to you for comfort, and to help light my way. I need your light honey, thats why I named you Phoenix so you would burn brighter then all the rest. I need your light everyday baby because sometimes I fear that I am going to get swallowed up by this darkness. Everytime I get flashbacks to the night you were born and died I feel like all the breathe is leaving my while a pin is being shove directly in my hart. I never knew a human could feel that way. I wish you were here honey, I wish it so bad. Why can't I rewind time...just this once and get you back. I need you, you are in my veins.
 I haven't sang...like really sang since you died. I feel like if I do I will burst apart. Your daddy and I used to sing and play together all the time. We were planning on singing to you too, all the time. I was already thinking of how I wanted to cover a song for you. He brought it up about how much he misses it, but I just can't bring it in me to just let go for him. I want to feel free enough to again, and just can't. My friend said that when I do sing one day that you will sing with me. I hop so baby boy because we would hav sang and danced all the time if you were here with me. I need you to sing with me. I've wrot a poem about that yesterday. One day one of these writing will become a song for you. Maybe that's why I can't sing just yet, I have to finish your song first. You deserve a million songs love. You and your daddy are the only things I want to write about. I feel like my voice was just stoled from me the day you died. Maybe  will get it back one day. Please guide me baby boy to where I need to be. I need your light. I need you.
                      I hope you are shining bright today my love!
                                                   I love you!
                                                        Momma

Monday, November 21, 2011

Just want you to know I love you.

Hey baby boy-
I miss you, I just wanted you to know that. I've made a new friend today...she lost her daughter at the same age as you. I hope you havemet her up above and are become good friend with her like you have with my other friends babies. Thank you for bringing me all of my new friends. They have helped me so much baby boy. They ease the sting of missing you. I still wish I had you though. You should be with me now, and I should be just writing to you.
 This weekend was a weird one. Daddy and I celebrated our one year living together. We didn't do much but it was nice. I made Chili from scratch. It was actually really good. I have to say Phoenix I didn't realize that I was a pretty good cook. Your daddy and I love being in the kitchen with you. Beofore I was pregnant with you we used to turn the music up have a couple of cocktails and cook together all the time. Since you died we still do, but it's not the same. We even made pork wontons from scratch yesterday...they were so good. I just kept thinking how I would never get to cook for you. You would have learned how tomake so many good things. When you were old enough to date you would have been the ladies man.
 Yesterday started off rocky as you know. Then when your dad came home we were both grouchy and got into it. We talked for a bit, but I just wish he would open up me sometimes. He just holds everything in. We really recovered well though and by the end of the night we were in a good place. I just feel like I am so irratable somtimes...I hate it. I hate not having you here.
 I know things have gotten a litte easier since you died but I am still in so much pain. I just dont know how I am going to make it through the rest of my life without you. It just seems too painful, but I can only hope with time is will get better.
 Anyways love, I just wanted to tell you I love you. I am here anytime you need me.
                     Love you pumpkin-
                                Natasha

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Angry and Irritable and I've Only Been Awake for Ten Minutes.

Hey My Darling,
 So I haven't even been awake tht long and I am so frutrated. It's going to be one of those days. I miss you already. As soon as I got up your dad was ready to go get his hair cut, I told him all week I would go with him but I am just so annoyed this morning. I want to lay in bed and just stay there. Today isn't going to be a good day, I can feel it. I am just cramping and  misreable. I hate when I get like this, but I just can't control it. You should be here....I am so mad you aren't. I know that beautiful face of yours would mak me feel better. I just feel so trapped and alone today. I miss you baby, and I cant get you back. It's final, a done deal no going back.
 I feel so alone and sad. I feel like veryone is going to abandon me evetually. Steven is going to get tired of me having days like this, my friends are going to give up on me for not calling them, and my family is just going to get annoyed with me after a while. If not in that way I feel like everyone is going to die Phoenix they are all going to go be with you and I will be here on the crappy earth alone. If you can die then I know that anyone can and will. No matter what I am going to be alone on this earth eventually. I feel so damn alone. If you where here I would have you to take care of and love. I would care about getting up at all ours of the night or sacrificing things for you. Just writing all this makes me cry, I've never cried so much in my life. I miss you I miss you, I miss you. It just hurts so bad. I used to be sad about how many people I have known in the past that died, but now am grateful that they are with you. I just wish we could all be together. I wish I could walk with you once in the sunlight- just hold your hand and smile down on you. Then just hug you, hug you so close and never let you go. Oh God, why can't you be with me. I feel so broken now, empty and broken. I just want you baby boy, is that too much to ask out of this world? I know you are happy and safe wherever you are, and I hope you come and visit me. I had a dream about holding a baby the other night but it didn't feel like you. I wish you would come back in my dreams again.
 I still remember the dream I had of you a few nights after you died. The woman coming in telling m you didn't have to die. She took your body and brought you back to life with a room full of people. I heard you cry honey...you cried out and I couldn't beleive you were alive. When you were born you didn't cry..your mouth moved but no sound evr came out, but in my dream you did. I cried so hard in my dream with such joy that you were back, my little boy made it back. Then I woke up in the dark next to your daddy. I remember the reality sinking in...no one can bring you back. We would be buring you  that weekend.
 I wish that dream was my reality. It's not and I have to face the rest of my life without you. That seems like an eternity sometimes. I don't fear death anymore because of you. You gave m that gift baby, and so many more. I love you my most precious. I wish I could be with you. I'm no longer mad this morning, back to being lost in my tears. Please now honey that I wouldn't change a thing. If I knew in the begining this is how it would end I would still have you. You have brought so much love to me and changed me for the better. I have at least had you with me for those 23 weeks is the best thing I have every been through. I'll take the pain if it ment having you with me. I love you so so much pumkin. I gotta go now. I just needed to talk to you, but I am always here if you need me.
 I hope  get a sign from you today...I really need one.
                             Love you ALWAYS,
                                  Momma

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A Day Out = Missing You More.

Hey my Sweetness-
I miss you so much today. I went out today since your day had a buiness dinner to go to. I thought it would just be an easy day to walk around the mall and pick up a couple of things. On the way there the weather was terrible, my boots were soaked before I even got to the bus stop.  I took the bus and made it to the mall pretty quickly. When I got there I went into a couple of stores looking for ideas for you daddy's chistmas gift. I was hungry and decided to head to the ood court to get a bite. When I got to the end of the mall there he was...my now worste nightmare...Santa Clause...the whole christmas set up was already there. It's not even Thanksgiving yet Phoenix...why am I already being bombarde with Santa Clause! I couldn't help but imagine you there, in your christmas suit sitting in his lap. This should be your first Thanksgiving, your first Chrstmans. You should be getting spoiled otten right now. You should have been there with me. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I wnet upstairs and got something to eat. As I sat there all alone eating it took everything for me not to cry in my food...how sad is that...I must have looked so stupid...sitting there eating nackos and trying not to ball. It's not fair baby...it's just not fair...I want you here so bad. This pain in unbearable sometimes. I feel so lost and alone without you...I'm alone so much but I just can't reach out besides Steven. Mom, and my wonderful Miss Girls. Even somedays that's to hard to do.
 I made it through though, and went and got a card and a new New York Mets hat for your daddy. Did you know that this Saturday will be one year since we moved in together. The begining of our journey to you. We haven't planned anything but I just wanted to let him know how much I care. I wish you were here with us too. I remember thinking how wonderfuk it was going to be to celebrate our first year together with you. You would have been showered with so much love. We would have been the three musketeers...well with Simon it would be fou, but you get it.
 So on the way home I tripped a fell...like embarrassing bad. Not one person stopped to see if I was ok. I was thinking about you at the time and completly tripped. My bag of things flew everywhere. I was just over it by that point. I walked home with my shredded bag, cold wet, and scrapped up (it wasn't that bad). I just felt so defeted. I wish your dad was home because I really need a hug.
 Anyways I just still haven't managed the art of keeping it together while I am out. I wish one day I could go out and not want to cry, and not be assulted with all of the stupid christmas stuff. I just wish I didn't have to celebrate any holiday this year, but I do. I don't want to bring others down because of my saddness, I just wish you were here so much!!!!! My parents keep asking me what I want for Christmas, and I just want you...that's all. You under the Christmas tree...that's not much to ask right?
 I miss you and love you baby, I hope I see you in my dreams tonight.
                                   Love you sweetness-
                                             Momma

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Don't Die I Love You.

 Phoenix Honey,
 I miss you so much today so much it burns though my heart. I cried myself to sleep again last night, I tried to be quiet last night so I wouldn't wake you daddy. I kept thinking about the night and morning that you died. The only thing I ever wimpered to you was "Please don't die I love you." That simply. I never believe in love at first sight until I saw you. Through all the fer and choas, of your birth I just looked at you and loved you. I knew what if you died I would never be the same. I would always have this hole in my heart. I just kept think last night, that I should have said more...I should have kissed you. Love is supposed to save everything right? You see in in movies, you hear all of these miracles where love prevailed...but why didn't my love save you? I miss you so much, that I am just beaking down. You were made from pure love, so why couldn't it heal you?
 I watched your daddy sleep last night, and I just thought about how much I love him. How he needs me here, and that's why I can't be with you. You know, it's been a long road for us to get to be together but I wouldn't want anyone else. I think about how much you looked like him and how I am grateful that he gave you to me. You are the GREATEST thing I ever made. We were going to be an amazing family. Me and my boys. You know we both wanted a boy, we wanted you. Everyone said you were a boy. You have no idea how much you were loved baby boy. You have so much love here on earth and you only lived 23 weeks and 30 minutes. I wish you were here now, it's raining and I wish I had you here to cuddle with.
 Honey, I don't want to be sad when I think of you. I am not always. Sometimes I think of my memories of being pregnant with you and I smile. You and I had some good times together. Everytime I see chili and cheese I think of you and how you made me crave it. You were my little eater. I just wish you were here to still bing all the joy to all of us.
 I have convinced myself that you are in a great place where I will see you again, but sometimes I fear that I am just believing all of this to protect myself from the fact I will never see you again. I read all about the after life and near death experiences and phsycics. They all say I will see you again, but what if I don't? :( I wonder f you saw the bright light that everyone talkes about. I had a dream about that light once and my Aunt Becky who passed away years before was in it. I could actually see her but I knew it was her. Are you there with her? I has to be true...it has to be. I get so much anxiety over that that I think my chest will burst sometimes. That thought makes me unhinged at the very thought of it. I try not to focus on it though because I fear that I might loose what little sanity I have left. I just want to be with you so bad. No one but someone who has been through this can understand. This pain will never go away. Even if I have a good day or two, it always comes back. I just have to wait through this life to know the answers in the end. I just wish with all my heart that I will be with you again and your father all together. That when I die you are in that light waiting for me. Please watch over your daddy and I while you are up there. Especially your dad, if I lost him I don't think I would be able to cope anymore. You two are my life and without the both of you I am no longer.
 I hope you are not gone forever my little prince but alive more than ever wherever you maybe. I feel like you are with your grandmother the most. I never got to meet her but your daddy makes he sound like she was a lot of fun :). I know she is taking care of you along with all of my family. Have you met your cousin Rebecca yet? She's a sweetie and so is her daddy my uncle...your geat uncle. You have more of our family up there that the ones living down here. I am so glad they are with you sweetness. I am so glad that you are surrounded by pure pure love.
 Well love, I am ging to get going. I feel the tears coming on AGAIN. I miss you more than I have ever mssed anyone in my life, and more that I ever will. You are the light of my life little Phoenix. I love you, I love you, I love you!
                               Always your biggest fan,
                                        Momma

Monday, November 14, 2011

Today is the day

Hello my little Phoenix,
 I finally did it. I created my blog for you. I'm sorry it's not much my little man, but I will figure this thing out soon enough so I can put your pictures up and show the world my little prince. Even though you aren't alive in them I still think you are the most beautiful creature that has ever existed.
 It's been 134 days since you died!!! ONE HUNDREN AND THIRTY FIVE. That seems like so long ago baby, but to me it was just yesterday. I looked at all of your sonogram pictures for the first time today. I went into the shed, pulled out the box with your baby stuff in it and found them very easily. I think you had something to do with that. I brought them in and just stared at you. You first sonogram was so funny, you looked like a little shrimp with a head...that's what your uncle chris said. You were on top of your head and it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I knew you were going to to be a goofball, much like your father and I. You were going to to be one funny kid. I remember when you where born, and I help you in my hands. You were so tiny, and you couldn't even open your eyes. Even as I cried for the ambulance to get there...to hurry and save you..through all the fear..I remember looking at you little mouth moving. I was so so so in love with you. I was is shock but I still remember your tiny little hands that you couldn't even open yet. Your adorable nose, and you chest I pressed to keep that amazing little heart of yours beating. Your chest was just like your dads..everything was. You were going to look so much like him. I still imagine you older... a perfect little mirror image of your dad.

You would love your dad...he's one of the greatest human beings out there. He was jumping for joy when he found out you were a boy. I tricked him that day and told him I didn't find out, but I did. I remember just floating on a cloud as I shopped for a cute little boys plaid shirt to match your dad's. When I gave it to him he was the happeiest I have ever seen him. You brought so much joy to both of us my sweet pea.
 I have so many amazing memories of you and I together. People don't understand how bonded a mother becomes to their child as they are growing inside of you. Now you are gone, and so is part of myself. I am no longer a whole human being, you are my little phantom limb.
 I really wanted to be your mom, I know that I still am, but there were so many things I wanted to show you...to teach you. I had so much planned for you my little love. You were going to be the greatest thing I've ever accomplished...honey you still are.
 I wish I could be better for you. I hate that I am an emotional basket case...one minute I can breathe with ease...the next I feel like my entire chest is going to explode with the pain. Somedays I feel like the tears truly will never ever end, and others I am just plain mad. I hate that you can see me when I get mad. I want to you to know that I want to be full of love and when it comes to you I am. I'm just angry at the world right now. That's why I still haven't talked to any of my friends. I don't want to drag them down with me, I don't know how to be the person I was before you died. The things that were important to me then have absolutly no power over me now. I feel alienated and so alone. I miss you so much.
 I worry sometimes that your daddy will give up on me, that my pain will take us both over. I know he loves you too baby boy...the only time I ever saw him cry was when you died. He just keeps it close, but I wish somwtimes he would talk about you more. I know people grieve diferently. I just hate when people try to pretend that you don't exist. I want to the world to know about you...YOU ARE PHOENIX AND YOU LIVED! I want to shout it at the top of my lungs sometimes! You aren't just a fetus...or a loss...you're my child and I love you like no other.
 Well sweetheart I just wanted to send you a little letter up above to let you know I am thinking about you. I don't know how often I will post here but I just want a place to go to be close to you. These letters are for you my darling. Hopefully they will be able to heal another mommy our there whose child is up above with you. We mothers who have lost our babies need each other. I've made some great friends through a website, and we mom's have decided that all our boys are together and we were brought together because you you guys. Thank for that my dream. I LOVE YOU PHOENIX! I'll never ever ever stop. I promise you that.
                            Love always,
                                Momma