Hi baby boy,
 I feel so low today...chistmas was great until the end of the night. You dad and I got in a fight over something stupid, and I lost my mind.  spent the rest of the evening crying my eyes out over you. I realized I was trying so hard to make this a happy christmas, that I hadn't dealt with how much I was missing you. After all the tree, and presents, and laughter, family...it just won't be ok. I'll never have you, Instead of giving you toys and cuddling you and making you breakfast I get to sit at your grave with red carnations in my hands. Nobody talks about you anymore little love...I know people miss you, but they don't say you name. I really gave your dad a hard time last night, but I don't think I know how to cope anymore. I am beginning to realize how much the pain is taking it's tole. Ie tried so hard to bury it, and make light in my life...but deep down I feel darkness. How am I going to get through this life without you! Your dad is a good man, and I don't want to hurt him. I just can't control my emotions anymore...who I was before you is dead too.
 I was talking to a guy friend of our at a chrstmas party saturday about you. He and his wife lost a baby too. He asked me why I don't come out and sing with them. I told him, that after you died my world grayed  I have no more passion for the things I used to love greatly. That has all been replaced with my passion for you. He understood, and he even said "What really freaks you out, is when you have a day, and you actually feel ok." He was right...I thought I was having more of those....but I was fooling myself. My heart is still completed ripped into pieces Phoenix. I guess I am in the the anger and bargening stages of my grief...I get so irritated at everything, and I find myself thinking, "Maybe if I ask God, to rewind time he could...just for me. I won't tell anyone." But I need to get real, you aren't here anymore. I can't take it. I wish I could be with you.

I just wrote you a long blog about how f'd up I am feeling and  the computer crashed. A screen popped up that sad.,"Jim he's dead"...that about sums it up. I'm sure you already know how I feel anyways. I give up today.

Merry Christmas my little love. I wish you where here. I am trying to make it a happy one, but it would be the best if you where here. It would b the greatest gift of all. I would do anything to make that happen. I hope you are getting spoiled with love up above, because I know you would be if you where here. I miss you so much, my little prince. Love you always and forever.

                                        Love, 

                                              Momma

My little Love,
I have so much to talk about, but I have just been sad. I miss you. I was just looking at your pictures and it still seams so unreal that we made you. It just makes me want to cry. I wish you where here this christmas, but I am trying to make it fun and focus on the good this year.
  Today is Thomas's Birthday today. Can you give him a big hug, from me, and from his mom, dad, and sister? He would be two today...

                        I LOVE YOU.

Little love,
 I dreamed about your Gigi Janice last night. We were going through her old house picking out things that reminded us of her. I already knew she had passed, but the then she reappeared several times, dressed in a red seventies jumpsuit. I knew it was her and I as so happy Phoenix, my heart warmed with all my love her her. She told me she loved me so much and just held me close. We hugged and I didn't want to let go. Honey, I feel in my heart that it was really her. Does that make me sound crazy? It's going to be year since she she died december 8th. How has so much tie gone since I lost you both. I miss you so much, and I miss her. I hate living with this ache. I hope both of you can come see me when I sleep. I didn't want to wake up this morning.

My sweet little boy!! It has been so long since I could write you on here. So much has happened in the last three weeks, that I have to catch you up on. We lost the house Phoenix, when we came back the next day the house as destroyed. The whole yard was wrecked and the house had four and a half feet of water in it. We saved some stuff but life was really hard for a while. We finally got an apartment Phoenix. It's beautiful, and Victorian ..we love it so much. There is a very calming vibe here. We have some furniture, and the place is coming together, but I can't tell you how long this road as been.

We took the boat back yesterday, and I finally said goodbye to the home that you lived in with us. The home that we found out you would be joining our lives, the home I help you so close inside of me, the place where I first felt you move, the place you where born. As we drove down that canal, I thought of your last day. I can't believe I as saying goodbye to the only place I ever got to live with you. You are really gone baby...today I haven't been feeling so well. Those cracks in my heart are bulging and spitting apart again. I just need everything can to remember you. It's like the water came, and destroyed it all. I knew we where going to move, but I just wanted a little more time with you. I can still feel you though, and that what gets me past each day.
  Though this house had revived my spirits a bit, I just eel like my passion is gone little man. All the things I used to love and cherish don't even catch my thoughts anymore. I just plaster on the happy smile so that people don't think I am depressed, and keep pushing through. Some days I just don't kno if I can live with this ache anymore. I want you so much.
 Two knights ago Simon got a bone is his mouth and I thought he was going to die. I went around the house struggling and I thought I was going to lose it. I kept trying to get it out, and then I just started shaking...I couldn't stop...I thought of you struggling and I couldn't do anything. That same cold feeling ran through my skin, and my hands just shook! I knew I couldn't take another loss, I pulled it together and got it out. Afterwards I just sat there and sobbed. I can' take it...I can't take it anymore. Phoenix I can't lose anyone else. I lost my mos precious little one, and I just can't do it again. I live my whole life in fear that today will be the last for someone I love. It's no way to live honey, but it's all I got. I just wish I knew you where ok, and that I will get to be with you again. That I am not living this life just for it to end into nothingness. You are my meaning and I need you to survive.
 I turned 30 too throughout all this. Your daddy was so sweet, he bought me some really cute clothes to wear out, and shoes, and this cute stuffed dog that I love. Dan and Jeanette and the kids bought me a cute card and plastic diamond wand (Jack said I deserved diamonds for my birthday. What a sweetie). They threw up a banner and we had cake. It was so sweet of them to take us in and make me feel so special for my birthday though I felt like crap. Steven took me out to great dinner and we went out drinking... got really drunk, and met some of his friends from highschool. I drank more than I have in long time, and don't remember the rest of the night. I guess it was better that way. Your dad just laughed at me all day at all the funny things I was doing. At the end of the day though it's just another birthday. Deep down I don't really get happy about them..the best part of it as the night before right before it turned twelve. We drove around trying to find gas, and I felt you...I looked up at the moon and I knew it was you following us. It was the best I ever felt. I got your message sweetheart...I love you so much my sweet!! I'm gong to go now, but I still have lots to tell you. I love you to the moon and back!

Hi my little one. Your daddy and I are here at the studio waiting out this hurricane. I am not going to lie, I'm a little scared. Tomorrow would have been your due date, but instead we will be here hoping that we have a home to come back too. I feel drained little one, I feel like I am at my ropes end. Your daddy and I have been through so much, why can't we just catch a break. I wish you where here, but at the same tie I know I would just be so worried about you. I guess you are safer than us. I am sorry we couldn't make it out to your grave to get your things, I know they will be gone when we get back there. Maybe you could help me pick out somethings. I love you soooo much Phoenix. I wish this wasn't reality. I wish it was bright and sunny, and I had you in my arms. Watch over us my perfect little boy. You are always mine, and I am always yours.

You are my light.

My sweetness.
 Today is the day we remember all of the babies that didn't make it far in this life. Tonight I will light thins candle in memory of you, jude and all the other babies I have met becasue of you. ou should be here, close to celebrating your first birthday. It still feels so unreal. I was looking at baby memorial saying yesterday, and tried so hard not to cry. Though I did tear up, your daddy came over and distracted me. He loves me so much, and he loves you angel.

We had a beiatiful weekend my little love. We drove out to Riverhead to pick pumpkins, ums and to go to the wineries. We got hot cocoa for the ride. Riverhead is one of our favorite places, it like being out in the middle of the country little man. It makes me me feel at ease, and during autumn, it's the best. Hay rides, and roasted corn, every place is open. It made me love the fall for the first time snce you died. We went to our favorite winery, and ate cheese and cured meats, and chocolates. You daddy got all of my favorites, because he wants me to be happy. We talked, we talked about you at some points. Little things, but I was glad to talk about you. Then we went to the pumpkin patch, we found four awesome ones, I took pictures of your dad, and I picking them!

Then we went, and picked out mums! I got for baskets of them, and the were so pretty!!! I wanted all of them!!! We stopped by another winery and got a bottle to take home. It was so awesome!! Then, we went home, watched fights and ghost story shows and ate the rest of our goodies. Yesterday was a very creative day for me!! I planted the mums, and decorated the yard for Fall. I t looked really nice! You daddy made me breakfast...everything from scratch!!! It was so so so good!! Then we went to the store, and got everything we needed for the week! When I came home I panted your candle for tonight. The the cleaning bug got to me, and I scrubbed the kitchen, while your daddy watched football. It was pretty funny (he works so hard, and I wanted to do something nice for him). He made awesome bbq for dinner, we just relaxed, drank wne and ate. Phoenix  haven't had a relaxing weekend like that in  while. Your dad and I always have a good time, but I think it was good for us to just put our worries away for a weekend, and just be us...like we have always been. Pheonix, you are lucky little man, your daddy is amazing! He loves us both so much. You would have had so much fun wth us! I kept thinking, that you would be walking by now, and you would have been able to pick a pumpkin. I hope you where with us. I miss you so much!!
 Max's little sister made it into the world safely this morning!!! I hope you where with her n her journey here! I am so happy she made it into Suzanne's arms. This month is more bearbale now, just because she was born. It won't always be the crappy month, that reminds me of how my life should be...not this shitty reality. It's is Alex's month now.
 I hope you get my letters. I wish I could just hold you for five seonds...one second, anything. Phoenix, if you ever need me, I am here please come to me. I wish you would. I hope you are safe my little man. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I'm listening to your song right now, and missing you so much! I cried myself to sleep again last night, I have learned to do it quietly so I don't wake your dad. He works so hard, and I don't want to make him worry about me. It's better I deal with these emotions on my own sometimes.  cried again after your daddy left for work, and I am crying again. I think I am down on this roller coaster ride. October is coming, and I came to a realization that I will always live in to parallel worlds: the reality of this life where you died, and the one where I will always imagine you alive with us. October was the month of your Due date...October 30th...I'll never forget. But you won't be having a birthday party will you? I will spend my birthday a week later without you, but I'll still have you in my heart. I hate that this month is coming, I didn't realize how hard it would be, but I am trying baby. I even told your dad that we should dress up for Halloween. I would have made you the best costume ever, but you aren't here...your not here and I still can't even accept it. I just keep thinking that if I could just do something time will spill backwards and you will live. I still can't grasp it, and I guess I haven't faced it still. I don't know if I can handle it my love. You mean everything to me.           I have realized  have kept my focus on trying to get healthy and working out because of all the weight I have gained. It's like I gained it on purpose so I could fixate on something besides you...because when I think of you it just hurts so much. How do I live in both of these world my love...I don't even dream of you anymore, and t kills me. I tried to remember you the way you where, but the memory is fading and I can't remember every detail of your tiny little body. But at the same time, it means I can't remember fully the way you suffered...I say that but it's not true...I remember every single second of it. I remember your little coffin, I wish I could have been me. You didn't deserve to suffer...you deserved better. I'm just so sad Phoenix,  need you.

Hi my little love! Well we didn't go to hemmlock cove saturday! To be honest, I was happy because I just don't know how I would feel being there. I have missed you so much lately. For some reason the fall season coming on is kinda getting to me. I guess it's because I still associate it with your due date. I know your birthday is july, but I guess I am just reliing my grief all over. I am trying my best to try and do something this year for halloween, and try to make the holidays fun. It just hurts though, because this would be your second string of holidays...but you are here. It's jusnt another reminder that you aren't here. I have to be stronger.
 aturday night I made your father watch the rest of the Kill Bill movies. I loved both of them, and watching them now after you died made such an impact. In the story the mothers thinks she lost her baby daughter after she was beaten by the baby's father and three assasins. Then he shot her in the head, she winds up recovering from the coma and seeking revenge for her child she thought she lost. She goes on a revenge spree to avenge her. I imagine myself being that person...it makes me eel beter sometimes...just taking on the world and fighting for your memory. At the end of the movie she get's to Bill's house, to find her daughter there! That moment...oh god, when she sees here duagher made me fight back the tears. Her dreams came true...her little girl was alive, and she fought the battles to find her again. I wish that could happen in real life...if I fought hard enough I would find you. I know I will never be that lucky, because I was there when you where dying. You aren't ever coming back little man.
 I reunited with an old frend yesterday Phoenix! I hadn't seen her in 12 years, and it was amazing to see her!!! We talked for hour baby boy, it was like time never happened. We talked about you for a long time honey, she listened and cried with my and felt your little life. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have her back in my life. She told me she thought, I was amazing and made a difference in others people's life by shaing your story, and she told me not to give up. Oh I needed to hear that, and she taught me a new phrase that I think I needed to hear. I know you had something to do with bringing us back together. Yesterday was the happiest I hae been in so long!! Your daddy so sweet! He cooked for us, and keep makng sure the Rita had everything she needed. We all played music aterwards, and it was so fun singing with her again. It just felt like I had a little bit of home with me again. Both of my world came together so perfectly. Rita and I have very similar backgrounds and it just made my day being with her Phoenix.  
 How are you love, I wish  could dream of you again...I feel like I haven't in so long. I miss you with all of my soul little prince! I hope you are sae, and happy my love.

Your daddy, just told me he wanted to go to hemlock cove today. Phoenix, I'm sad...the last time we where there was the last day of your life. My very last happy memory of you and I together... swimming in the water. You where safe, and we where happy. Please let me feel you my love. I will try to be happy. I miss you to pieces, and I love you though all the stars and galaxies right back here on earth.

“If I could surround you with beautiful sounds, I will / If I, if I could repay you for coming to save me, I will / If I, if I could be who you want me to be, I will / If I, if I could surround you with beautiful sounds, I will, I will, I will.”   
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MihVVYknDsw

Hey my little man,

 I've been thinking about you so much today. It's as if you are right there dancing in my heart. I saw this online and thought of you and I and our perfect love.   I don love you to the moon, and back...trough the galaxies and stars...past all the solr systems: to heaven and beyond. I can only hope one day this will be you and I, hanging on te moon, holding our souls to close. I promise to hold you forever. Autumn is not coming through, and I remember last year. Sickened by the thought of pumpkins and halloween, because that is when you where supposed to be in this word, but you my littel love already died. It's heartstopping sometimes to think about it. Our birthdays where supposed to be around the same time...you and I always perfetly connected. I would joke wit your daddy that he was going to ave two scopios on his hands. What a pair we where going to be. I had somany dreams for you little prince, and so did you daddy. We now feel like we can talk about having futures kids again, though niether one of us is ready just yet. We want our lives to be better, and for me to be as healthy as I can be for your future sibling. I hope one day I can be strong enough to try again, because I hae realized there is nothing greater in life then having more children. I am a mother, and I need to care for earthly children too. You daddy is going to be the perfect father, he always dreamed of it. I cannot beleive how much I lucked out with him, maybe you where up there above the cosmos, threading our desinies together. Phoenix, I wish I could dream about you more..those are the best dreams ever. I dream about everything but you. I dream about your Gigi Janice...I miss her. I hope she is ok with you. I hope you aren't ever sad where you are...just full of life and part o the stars. I hope we wll be together again. I have met more angel mommies, it'sfunny because we all beleive that our children are together...you must ave so many friends honey. Phoenix, I miss you, sometimes it's unbearable, but sometimes I can make it through.. You are the GREATEST! Love you always my baby boy.

It will be the greatest....

 

I must remember this.

I have gotten so much better with crying Phoenix. I have gotten better at managing my emotions, about you...but sometimes, like today I cannot hold back any longer. I wish your little body and soul are with me, but I had to share you with the stars. You went back to where you came from, but I just need your little heart here wth me. It hurts; oh god it just hurts. I love you baby boy, you are my star.

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And 
whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." 
~Author Unknown

Oh Phoenix, it will be your daddy's birthday tomorrow. I hope you will be watching him fom up above, and send him butterfly kisses. Tonight was a good night until now. We went and had diner with you grandpa steve and aunt jen. We hadn't seen them in a while. I was in a really great mood the whole time till the dive back home. I was talking with steven in the back set, and when I turned around to say something to him, BAM, there it was, the place I hate more than anywhere in the world. GOOD-FUCKING- SAMARITAN! The hospital you died in, the place where my world shattered ...the worse place in the whole, whole world, lit up behind your father's face. Phoenix, I felt sick...I felt all the emotions. My mouth ran dry and my voice got tight. I couldn't run from it: that building still existed, which meant you are still dead, and you really aren't ever coming back. You know what the worst part is though baby boy? I didn't even notice when we passed by on the way to eat. I was so busy talking I didn't even fucking notice!! I hate myself for this. I miss you so much...I can't take it. I forget sometimes, that I am a mother to a dead baby, and then it all comes flooding back, threatening the fabric of my sanity. I just needed to cry...your dad knew I was upset, and I tried my best to act like nothing happened. I just can't go by that place..I'll never be ok with it. You DIED there, and I don't know why anyone could see why I WOULD be ok driving past there. You died...and I wasn't even there to comfort you. I am the worst. I will never, never, never going myself for letting them take you from me, and not fighting to get in that ambulance with you. There is nothing that will ever change that...it will go with me to my grave. I feel so alone sometimes...you should be here. Your daddy and I have had the whole week off to spent together. I love him so much. We went to the aquarium, I wish you would have been there to see all the fish and animals. So any kids whee there...blissfully happy with their parents. They got to keep thier babies, and they got to go the aquarium and see aquatic life, and eat ices cream, and go on rides, but not you baby...your gone, and I LOVE YOU ALWAYS! I am so sorry I am so negative today, just seeing that hell-on-earth brought me down to my knees. Please forgive me Phoenix...Momma loves you so much.

Hi my angel. This weekend was mommy and daddy's two year anniversary, and I did what I thought I wouldn't be able to do or a long time. I sang sweetness. Your daddy and I drank wine, and started to play music again! We were able to fill our home again with that happiness I never thought we would be able to. I know you where there with my my little angel. Plus, my voice sounded better that it had in a long time! I felt so comfortable like I had never stopped. I know you brought the song back to me. I just wish it was you singing with us. I miss you too much some times, I woke up in the middle of the night again, the other night and cried for you. It's striking how much it hurts sometimes. I wish I knew where you where, but I guess you are everywhere now my love. I wish I could feel you, I haven't in a while. I wish I could just have one minute with you again on this earth, or even just a dreams. Pretty sad huh, wishing for a dream. I just wish I knew that you where happy my prince. Thank you for bring back the melody...I love you always.

                                                              Your Momma.
p.s. Thanks for playing your song again when I talked about you and max the other day in the car...I think daddy is starting to believe to that it's a sign.

I hope Max had the best birthday ever up above!!! We love him dearly down below! I love you my little one.
    Suzanne +Shane= Max
   Steven+Natasha=Phoenix

Hi my wild and free little prince-
   I listened to a band that I thought I would never listen to again Phoenix: Cloud Cult. I used to love this bad...I would listen to the songs and cry, just cry because it seemed so painful. The lead singer and his wife lost their son at two years old. He died in his sleep, it was the first time that ever really reached me; little babies die. My heart hurt for these people so much, and I wanted to share their pain. I even equated the pain I felt in my life before you to these songs, I was blissfully unaware of  the fact I would understand these songs better than I could ever imagine. Two days before you died I downloaded all the cloud cult albums to give a listen too. You died and I buried those tunes in the back of my head, knowing the shame of who I was when I listen them before. I knew this music was going to resonate with me like no other now. I related to the point I couldn't even listen to one note, and computing how long it would take to put me back together after I did try to listen.
     Today I listened to them for the first time since you died. I am so grateful for these songs; completely in tuned with the reality of the grief that comes forth after losing a child. I needed it more than I knew. I have a place I can go when I need that break from this world, and I just need to be with you, no matter if it's just to cry or dream about how much I love you.  This song is one of my favorites     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENM0mkwzAfc                  It's how I want to sing to you, a chorus of voices hailing you sweet name. When  do start to write again, I am going to make it my very best for you my sweetness. I needed that cry today...I have gotten so used to controling my sadness I guess I need to get it out more than I realize.
  Phoenix, I am sad, but joyous. It's Max's birthday in just a couple of hours. I hate Suzanne doesn't have him in her arms, but I am grateful to know about his life. I am honored to know another precious boy just like you. One that is perfect in everyday, and is buddies with you! I know you two are pals, and watching over us.  Give him lots of hugs from his Mother and I tomorrow. I hope he sees all the beautiful things that are going on in his memory! I love you so much honey, it hurts so bad at moments. I just wish you where here...
                                            Love,
                                                 Momma

Hi my little dream,
 Well today is the first quiet day I've had in a while. My friend came to visit, and we had a good time. I have just been so worn out lately my love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be normal again, and not be this anxious ball on the inside. You dad was a saint this week, and I don't deserve him. Phoenix, I don't know what is wrong with me lately...I have been so angry and lonely. I ind myself being argumentative and being ore aggressiveness that I normally am. I've been taking it out in the strangest ways, and I for a couple of days I new I was just being a mean person, but just didn't care. Not really to anyone in particular...just all around. I don't know what wrong with me. I haven't been thinking about you as much, because I don't want you to be part of that anger...july was so hard. I feel back into bad habits and everything, just to cope. I feel like I am back to draggin' myself out of bed again, just trying to hold on to something. How can I feel like I am just siding back all over again. My friend kept comparing me to my old formal self...my destructive bad habits, and pretty much insinuating I can't keep up like I used to. There where point where I wanted to scream..."I am  not the same person I was in Georgia! Life actually has meaning like it never did back then, that girl id fucking dead.Get over it." Of course I didn't but it was so hard. I guess that is why I get so nervous spending time with people back home for to long. They don't really understand how different I am now, and maybe won't love me like they used. She does though, and she is like a sister to me...it's just so hard baby boy. I'm going back home for my birthday in November with you daddy. I'm nervous. I just feel insane.
 You daddy said that he hears your song now everywhere. That made me happy, because I know he thinks of you too now when he hears it. It shows me that you are with him too right little love. I wish I could ream of you every night...hold you and kiss you, never let you go. I wish I could just sleep and call you to me, and you would just hold my fingers and coo, smiling in the heaven that you are in. I daydream about me being up there with you, and getting to see you for the first time. I know that won't happen till I die, it seems so unfair...to have to die to get to meet your son again. People just don't understand, I will never get to be with you on this earth. I will live the rest of my life with this huge hole inside that will never be filled.
 Max's birthday is right around the corner...I feel so sad for his mother, my friend. I hope you are planing something nice for him. I love you so much baby. 

Hi my sweetness,
  I've been posting about the still project all over the internet, and I hoped you liked the video. I miss you honey. Today is Elana's birthday, please give her hugs, because somehow I know you are friends too. Phoenix, this weekend we were talking about Max's birthday after we bought his donation gifts, and then I started talking about you, and guess what...you song came immediately on. I looked at you daddy with such a shocked face, and started crying...but they where good tears baby. I just love you so much, and I love every sign I get from you. You are my angel honey.
 I feel like people are forgetting about you, when I first lost you people really seemed to care. When I finally got back on facebook people went out of their way to help in anyway for your memory...now people just read over what I post about you now (except for a few amazing people, that I am sooo truly blessed to keep fighting for me, and you my love). It's like people feel like I should just stop talking about you, and that will never happen..you are alive within me my baby boy. You will always be alive, you will always be talked about in our home, and if people don't like it then they can kick rocks. I love you with everything in me heart baby boy.
 Phoenix, if you can...can you give daddy a sign today? He really needs some love, things have been really tuff for him lately, but he is being so strong. He loves us so much little boy. Thank you for bringing us even closer together. I can't imagine a world without him, and it undying love. Even at my worst he never gives up on me. I wish you where here to know him. You would have been the best of friends.   Baby I'll write you soon, and I love you  so so so so much!!! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELANA!

#SayItOutLoud

I love you, more than you'll ever know dear
Before I was born I could hear you
calling my name from far, far away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZbcWxWCGqE

Hello my little dream,

 I just ot finished going through your shadow box I haven't looked in it for a while now, but today I just needed to. Put your metal tags that the wonderful people from the Graham's Foundation sent us. I love having anything that has your name on it. I just love having anything that reminds me of you . They sent us to so I put the others one in a vase with sea shells in it. That way I can always see you name and have you with me. Everytime I look in there I just cry so much, the ache is so strong sometimes Phoenix. When I hold your little blanket close to my face, it's like I feel you right there for just a moment. Fleeting but worth it. I'm missing you something fierce baby boy.
  Phoenix, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that your GiGi Janice's things that she left for me after she died where sent to me. I was going through the things with my parents and I fond a stone like footprint among everything. I remember looking at the bottom of it (it was a baby size footprint) and it said Good Samaritan Hospital under it (that is the hospital you my little love breathed your very last breaths in). Then there was some other writing, that in my dream state I understood to be some memorial to a little girl. In my dream I realized that this was a token for the baby the Gigi lost, and for some reason I knew she was a girl. Then in my dreams I kept thinking how strange it was that she died in a hospital called good Samaritan too. I don't know what to make of this dream little guy. No one really knows the story of my grandma losing the baby, not even my father. I guess you do now though, and I am sure you met her. Why I am so certain that she is a girl, I have no reason why. It makes me sad that my grandma and I shared this painful experience and never talked about it. I don't know if your gigi is trying to tell me something or if I am simply just going insane. The one thing I know though is that I will never stop missing you my prince. I love you!

Daddy and I saw fireworks when we were coming home from hanging out with Dennis tonight. You are guiding me into the right path, and to setting me free. Love, keep me strong because everything I do I want to do to honor you and all of the babies, mommies, and daddies out there. Love you my darling.

The Still Project

Hi my love,
 It's been a while, and since your birthday I have been sad....really really sad to the point I just wanted to be alone. No one would know this fact but it is true.
 I found this project online (somehow I think you led me to this) and it had revived my spirit. It is called the Still Project. Parents of little angel Elana have come together to make a documentary to give lovies like you and parents like us a voice! I am so proud of these two human being that I have never met, and grateful that they are giving us the opportunity to share out voice and to be heard! I am tired of people treating the death of a baby, as something that should be pushed under a rug and be considered taboo. Your story should be told my prince!! You lived and have just as much right to be grieved over as any human being should. The world should know about you and all the amazing children who deserved a life on this earth. I am so glad there are angels like this on this earth, set to inspire me and empower me that I am still and always will be you mother! I love you baby boy. I hope people read this blog will go and check out this sight and learn about this beautiful project.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV5pJFXYBOQ&feature=player_embedded

https://www.facebook.com/StillProject

I love you baby boy, and I promise I will not let this world drown you out.

I started singing to myself a few minutes ago, and felt compelled to write these words down.

I miss you so much, and I don't know how I have gone this far without you.

Where do we go,

When we take our last breath.

 And our soul releases,

Into the atmosphere?

Did the weight of the world,

Fall from you shoulders?

Did you feel freedom for the first time?

Did you fly on by

Ask kiss me goodbye?

Through airy lips, and electric shocks.

Did you sing me a song,

To shine through my tears

As I died in that hospital bed?

Will you come back,

And love me again?

Shaped like a star, blazing in my dreams.

Can I still love you?

Though I won’t be able to hold you.

Can you be with me?

Obscure to my eyes,

And lighting in my heart.

I want to know where you’ve gone.

I wanna know who tucking you in at night.

I wanna know when I will see you again.

I wanna  know you.

Dreaming of you…

For the rest of my life.

Come back to life,

Come back to me.

For Phoenix 

My little love,
 I watched the fire works with your dad last night. We were going to go out on the boat, but his tail light was out, so we just sat on the back porch and watched them burst all around us. Phoenix they where everywhere we would look. Even though some hid behind trees they looked so lovely glittering in the balmy hair. I was sweating and getting eaten by bugs, but I didn't even care. It felt just like a movie, even though I was wearing pj pants and a huge old navy shirt. The sky was tie-dyed with color. I felt like I was in Bax Luhrmann film as the work just lit up for the first time. You dad was all smiles, like a five year old over them. You know how much he loves them. We just chased them with our eyes for a long time. I loved that moment more than any other moment, because I felt you like no other then. I know you wanted us to be there, and I could just feel it streaming trough to my bones. I didn't cry once that night. I actually felt kinda good. I realized you where everywhere, and I just needed to open my eyes and really looked. You are so alive my love, and that gives me hope. That's all I nee to get through this life, and as long as I had hope I had you. I love you little prince. You have the best daddy in the world by the way, and he loves you and I so much. We are very lucky people. I don't deserve it. Baby, I am trying to find that joy again for you and your daddy. You both deserve better than what I have been, and I am going to try harder my prince. Thank you for the fireworks sweetheart. Lover you bigger and brighter than the rest. 

I just found out my friend's nice's little girl was just removed from life support today. Only two years old. Phoenix please be with her as sh makes her way up there to heaven, and for her family. I can't belive another family has to go through this today. :(

I made it through yesterday little lovie. I ham feeling sick today, but I know you daddy loves forth of july so I  guess I should try to make the best of it. I have pictures of the day for you, and I will post them for you soon. I just wanted to wish you a happy fourth and tell you how much I miss you. If I see fireworks tonight I will be holding you close in my heart. I remember last year watching them from my hospital window thinking I wold never love fireworks again, but now I realized it was you bursting through the night...hundreds of sparkling light showering the night letting m know that you are ok. You are my little firework. I love you forever baby boy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01whPWRvT64

There should be balloons, cakes, toys, streamers, family and laughter, but there is none of this. Just me in this quiet lonely room. I stayed up till twelve last night so I could be the first to wish you happy birthday. My stomach sunk as each minute of you life slipped by me for good. The time turned over and twelve o'clock came. With a heavy heart I wish you happy birthday my love. I tried so hard to sleep through those next hours, hoping I wouldn't wake up at that crucial moment...the very minute you were born 2:14. I can't believe I woke up Phoenix, and the worst part was I had to go take a piss so I had to go in there. The very same spot you where born into...the room where you suffered before you died. I am sick to my stomach Phoenix. I am so sick that I am numb. If I let one tear flow they will go on forever.

Your dad and I talked about you Friday a lot. He finally realty opened up to me about you. He told me how happy he was when he found out  was pregnant. That he felt his whole life was meant to be a father. He doesn't talk about you because it is still too painful. He wanted you so bad Phoenix. We love you so much. He told me something that another mommy said to me recently that I must do. He said I needed to find joy again, because it wouldn't be fair to you and your life if I didn't. I mean, I have happy moments, but I need to search out pure good joy. I have to do this for you both. Your life should not be remembered in pain, I need to get back to giving you the life here you deserve which is full of love and laughter.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed...you life was gone and I wanted to be with you. Plain and simple. Nothing and no one meant a thing at that point. The pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. I still don't get how I have survived 356 days without you Phoenix. It seems like the most unnatural thing in the world, but it is nature. I need to figure out a way to honor you life,, so that you live forever. You deserve immortality, and as long as  am alive you will have it. You are the very idea of perfection, most people live their whole lives trying to leave the legacy that you did in five minutes. Your little soul has changed people, you have taught how love really is, and for all of us to be grateful for the things that we have right this minute...it can all be taken away at any moment. Guide me my little Prince through this next year, because I have a feeling it might be harder than this one.
 I know all of out families are throwing you a big party up there my sweet!!! I hope all of your angel baby friends are with you too. I realized last week that I believe my Aunt Becky is taking care of you the most up there. I think that is why sh dd so young and her death date the the day before yours. That thought brings me so much comfort, because she was the best, and  know she loves you more than herself. Maybe that is why she came to me in that dream a few years back. I hope she can bring me you one day. I wish I could just get one glimpse...just two seconds to know you are happy. I would literally give up anything if I could.
  Phoenix, I just want you to know you will always be number one in my heart. I will share you with our other children if we have more. We will always always always be a family. You ARE MY son, and I am your momma. Come to me whenever you can or you need me. You are my everything little prince. I wish I could be with you today. I LOVE YO FOREVER!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PERFECT CHILD!

Oh God Phoenix...
this is it. The last hours of your life...this time last year I was at the hospital being told you where fine. I wish I could turn back the hands of time...
 At 2:14 am you will be born again my love...at three am you will die all over. This time it will be for good...I won't be able to look back as and say...this time last year you where alive. You will be dead, dead, dead...
 I don't know how I have made it through...or how I will make it through. I wish I could have stayed longer at your grave sunday. I hope you liked your balloons and bears. I should be throwing you a real party, but instead I am here wish I was with you. How do I do this? I want to freeze time...I want you back. I want sooooo bad. I can't stop thinking about you, and those short moments I had with you little body and soul. I am so sorry you suffered. I am so sorry for so any things. I will try my hardest to smile tomorrow on your birthday. I wish I knew what kind of cake you would have liked.
 Please be with me tonight my darling. I need you more than ever.

When the war outside our door rages on

hold on to this lullaby

even when the music is gone

just close your eyes,

the sun is going down

you'll be alright

no one an hurt you now

come morning light

you and I will be safe and sound- Safe and Sound

I miss you.

Hello my sweet little love,
 I miss you so much. I haven't been able to write because I start anew job. It's so stressful, and I feel like I am going to split it two sometimes. I wish you were here.
 Today s the count down to the very last days of your life..On July 3rd you will be dead all over again. This year I was at least able to look back an the year before and remember you alive. After next week...it will all be over with. I don't know if I can take this Phoenix. I feel like I am hanging from a thread from a web, just slipping everyday. I on't know how to deal anymore. Everyone said when I started back working again I would eel better, but I don't...I feel sick, drained, and full of pain. I have just face the fact that the pain will never end, and you will be gone as long as I am alive.
 When I see you again we will never have to say goodbye.
I watched the whole series of this show six feel under...I am obsessd02 with shows about death now. This show was addictive Phoenix...make me think of you a lot. Death and your child should never be in the same thought. I watched the finale yesterday and I lost it. In the end thy show how all the main charaters die. One seen is when the mother died...she lost her son twenty years before. When sh was on her death bed she saw her son right before she passed. He was there to take her home. I cried and cried thinking that if I count my blessings you with be there the day I leave this earth. I love you so much I can't even take it.  always wonder when that day will come.
   I'm living to die for you.
I met a new mommy who lost her little girl layla last week. She called me Thursday and we talked all night. It sucks that we had to meet this way, but it was so wonderful to talk to someone who understands...just like all my other mommy friends who I adore. I know you brought us all together. I hop you are playing with layla, max, thomas, and kristopher. I hope you still love me from where ever you are, because I love you across the galaxies and beyond. Why did you have to die...you where perfect. You didn't deserve to suffer...I am the imperfect one...I am your mother. It should have been me. Baby I need strength...I need it more than ever. I love you with every bit of my soul. Guide me my little prince back to happiness. our daddy an I could use it. I LOVE YOU
 Seven Days Left......

Hi my sweet,
 I am so sorry I haven't written you in so long. It's been a long few weeks. I started a new job...back to the daily grind. It just makes me miss you more. I wish I was coming home to you, daddy, and simon. It's not fair how much I still miss you. Fifteen days until the worst day ever comes...they day you died. I am sick to my stomach over it.
 I found out last night that a friend of a friend lost her baby who was born premature. I hope you welcomed her with open arms my sweet. I broke down when I heard it...it kills me know knowing another mommy will have to have to deal the is insane pain of losing their baby. It's just not right.
 I had a dream about you last night baby. I walked into the room and you where dead again. The doctors were weighing you body. I picked you up and you started to breathe again, but the doctors said you where dying. I held you until you stopped breathing again..then you came back to life again. I was so upset because I know you where suffering. The doctor put a needle in your arm and told me you where going to die. I didn't understand because you you kept breathing and trying to live. I thought they were trying to kill you. I was so confused and didn't want you to suffer and I just kept holding you. I don't remember how it ended, but I woke up in the middle of the night and made myself remember what I could. I just wanted to be with you. It hurts so bad. I love you with all of my heart...some days I don't know how I have made it this far. I don't now how anyone can live their whole life without their baby. I wish I could dream of you more, and you would be alive. I wish you where alive.
 I love you angel...

Believe in me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiV6wWmqNzk

At three a.m. this morning eleven months ago you died. I feel empty...

My little prince,
 Can you believe sunday is going to be eleven months since you were born and died? I can't believe it. Then after that it will be the count down of my final days with you. I miss you so much little man.  have been crying myself to sleep again...the nights are always the hardest. I feel to most empty and alone then. I think of you, and the last time I saw you and it just hurts. I let out all the tears I have been holding in.
 Yesterday you daddy and I did some gardening together. I planted some celosias and a rose bush. The rose bush reminds me of you. Hope fully it will bloom and it will look like the fire from a phoenix...in honor of you. I think that is why I have gotten into gardening...I need to see new and beautiful life around me. I need to make things live for you. After we were done I went online to try and find decorations for the garden. Something for you. I haven't found anything yet, but please tell me if you see something you like...give me a sign my little love.
 Phoenix I miss you still like it was yesterday. Your daddy and I were at a bar friday night...there where three boys sitting there, and one was eating. I mean hovered over his plate shoveling the food in his mouth, just like a growing boy should. I thought about how I would never get to see you eat like that or would I ever get to cook for you. You will never kiss me on the cheek and say "I love you Ma." You'll never grow up with me, and get to drink at the bar with your friends. You are so far away from me, and I'll never get to be mine here o this earth. It makes me want to scream and cry until my heart splits open. Why couldn't I have you. Am I that bad of a person...did make such bad decisions when I was younger? I wish I could just go somewhere and wail...I mean, like, really let it all out.  I need you so bad...so does your daddy. I love him so much and I am so scared he will die too. I don't think I could take it.
 I'm starting a new job tomorrow baby. I'm scared, but I have a feeling you brought me to this place. I need people to be kind. I need to try and have some sort of life again, but I am scared that something will set me off. These people don't know about you baby, and I don't know what to say f they ask if I have children or anything like that. Please be with me tomorrow and help me get through the day. I need you so much. I wish I could know how things are up there for you? If you are with our families and they are taking care of you. I miss you all so much. Can you give Maw Maw a kiss for me. I was really missing the two of you last night. I even had a hint of the smell of her house last night while I was in bed. It was like I was there all over again. Baby I love you so much...
"If love could have saved you, you would live forever"
                                 All my heart.
                                        Momma

Hey my little love
 I just didn't want you to think I have forgotten about you. I didn't see your name anywhere yesterday and it made me so sad. Every time I see your name in a random place it makes me so happy, and I wish I could see it everywhere. We had a really good weekend. You dad is so sweet, and you and him would have been the best of friends. He so kind and generous, always putting me first. I wish I could show him how much he means to me. I wish you where with us. I know you are when you can be, I just with you where here to hold. I feel down today...you would make it all better. I hope you are still watching over us, and you love us as much as we do you. You're my everything honey.

Hey little guy,
 It's mother's day and I miss you. I woke up in tears, but the day is getting a little better. Had lunch with the family...your family. Your dad's family have shown me so much love. I wish you where here to meet them! Your daddy has been trying to cheer me up all day. He bought me the coolest plant, and I'll post pictures for you! He even told me happy mother's day and has been so sweet to me. He's putting up this cute little fence up in our yard so we can put plants in it...he really loves me, and you. We where at the beach the yesterday and we talked about you, and how we both see your name everywhere now. I like it when he talks about you. We both miss you. While there are moms out there getting presents and getting pampered I just want you. That would be the greatest gift of all. I love you.
                                     Momma

Hey honey!
 My friend's friends daughter is in the hospital and is really sick. Her name is Cassidy, could you watch over her today and help her if you can?
 Missing you more than ever these days...just a couple of days from Mother's Day. Mom's everywhere will be getting card and presents, homemade breakfast in bed, and showered with love from their children. Last year, Steven surprised me and bought me these beautiful flowers, a photo album, and the dumbest card I have ever gotten....it was supposed to be funny but the punchline on it was that in a few months I would be holding baby poop instead of lattes. He's misread the card, but it was so funny. Now I can't even look at that card without crying, even steven's sister Jen took me out to lunch and bought me these cute books. People already acknowledged I was a mommy! It made me feel so loved, that people where ready for you! We then went to a huge breakfast with his whole family on his dad's side, and then to his gradparents on the the other side. I kept thinking about how fun the next year was going to be with you in the world! But, you not and this year is just one painful reminder of what we have lost. I just want to crawl in a whole till august. Less than two months away till your 1st birthday... and you aren't here. I don't feel well. I smile, laugh, and do everything I can to keep it together on the inside, but I am not happy. I don't want to see anymore of these commercials...I don't want to to happy mother's with their babies. I just want to cry all the time, but I don't...I just keep it close till the lights are out and your daddy is asleep. I have gotten good at sheding my tears in the dark. The trick is slow breathes so as not to make any noise. You dad almost caught me last night, he was sleeping with his arms around me, and he woke up and felt my pillow under my face, it was wet from the tears. He popped up concerned to ask me what was wrong, but of course I lied and told him I was fine (I've gotten good at faking that voice too). I'm such a fake Phoenix. I don't know when I will be able to say "Wow I am 100 percent pre happy" People think that just because I am so good at pretending that I am ok, that I am. I just don't want to talk with anyone about you anymore, besides my friend Suzanne (Hey girl if you are reading this!). Everyone else just doesn't really get it. You are my little love ALWAYS! You are my son, and you are the most amazing creation ever! I wish you would come back to me, but that is selfish, because I know that where ever you are it's a better place than here.
 I had a dream I was murdered last night, on a train right in front of your dad. It was so scary. A mad stabbed me out of no where, and I just looked at you dad unable to speak. I love him so much! Even in my dream I just kept screaming in my mind "this isn't fair, I have to let him know hoe much I love him!" Then I woke up, scared and wrapped in his arms. I do love him, and he keeps me going. Thank you for bringing us together my little love. He loves you too my little prince. I know he thinks about you too.
 I am sorry I have been so dark lately my sweetheart. I am just broken hearted all over again. They say grief is an expression of your love for someone...without grief there would be no love. It's true honey...I love above all and I will never get over you. I love you inside and out. Please help me be strong little prince!
                         Always yours-
                               Momma

Hey honey.
 It's not even twelve and I just feel like crap. I interviewed over the phone for a job this morning and the guy pretty much made me feel like trash, because I didn't have the skills he wanted for the job. I was like "Did you even READ my resume?" I just can't take rejection anymore...I used to have a think skin(it took years to grow but it got nice and tough), but now any little rejection sends me into tears. It's like once again, here's the f'n failure, can't stay happy, can't get a new job now, can't keep her baby alive...I feel completely useless.
 There are mothers day commercials and signs everywhere. I love my momma, but I hate this day coming up! This should be my first with you, but your not here and I am so fucking sad! I'm sorry for the cuss words, but it's true...I am sure you can hear my thoughts anyways. I just want to go back to sleep baby...just stay under the covers where it is safe. I don't want to do anything this sunday...I have to remember it's hard on him too. His momma is up there with you and he misses her. I hope you guys are together, she sounds like she was a lot of fun! I hope both of our family are there together. I have really been missing Maw Maw too. I'm just hurting so much Phoenix.
 I have been reading another blog my a momma who lost her son to cancer last year. I wish I could be like her, she really lets it all out...anger and all. She started a foundation in his name and it's taking off, but no matter how hard she tries it will never bring her little man back. I am afraid that one day my anger is going to take control. like one day I am just going to lose it. I have tried to hard to be calm and understanding, but I feel that angry flame building. I can't stand the thought of living this whole life without you, it just doesn't seem right, or just...how does any mother or father do it? We need you baby! I feel like if you where here, things wouldn't be so bad, but now everything that is even a little bad or upsetting gets completely magnified because it's always backed up with the pain of you dead...the constant gnawing ache. Like yesterday, steven and I went to the carnival, and just walked around and ate a turkey leg and some cotton candy. We always have fun when we go out, but when we got home and all was quite...I got so sad. I missed you more than ever. Luckily your dad was fiixng our bed so I could shed a tear or two without him seeing. I have gotten really good at that...hiding tears. I just hide it all away...you birth and death date ate less than two months away. Oh god I can't believe it had been over 10 months. How have I made it this far.
 Please come see me soon in my dreams honey. I love you so much

Look Honey!!!! My high school pal Rhonda made shirts with your name on it for her walk in the march of dime today!!! Makes me so grateful for all the love you have gotten!!! I know I need to write you and tell you all about last weekend, it was just so much and I have been really down...but baby boy you a re loved and remembered so much down here! I hadn't seen your name in a couple of days, and I was getting sad, but this brought me back. You have made such an impact on so many souls. So many people love and are better people because of knowing your story. I love you so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!! Please watch over us and give everyone lots of hugs and kisses from me up there. I really miss you all so much. One day though I know I will get to be with you again. I can't wait to be near you again. I love you honey...always always always!

Ten Months...I almost made it through the day without crying. I love you.
-Momma

My love,
 I made it through grey's tonight...the little premie died. I felt like I was reliving your death all over again, but I made it through. I'm crying y eyes out right now, but I need to...your death is still so painful to me and I just need to cry. The amazing thing though it after the baby died in the show your song came on!!! Can you believe it? It's the second time that version of it has come on when I was thinking so much about you...I know you had something to do with it. Oh I miss you so much...
I didn't sleep at all last night again...up all night crying and thinking of you. Remembering, lying in that same bed in labor with you...the pain...the loneliness. Will it ever get better? I was just looking at your pictures, when you were born I thought you looked so much like your dad, but in your pictures you look like me too. You were going to be one cute little man Phoenix...I wish I could hold you. I need you. I love you.

It was July, and I wore white to celebrate your life.
I let the tears, a warm rain soak my face.
The stranger spoke:
"Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust." In your name.
We all laid flowers on that little white box,
I fell on bended knee, alone,
I just wanted more time
To be with you in the sun.
I wasn't enough, there will never be enough.
Twenty-threes weeks of joy and heart,
laid to rest in the summer sun.
Your body laid low, put in the ground,
 I left my heart there, in Ole Holy Rude.

Hey baby boy,
 So today has been really hard. I really miss you so much. I am s full of tears, and I just wish you were here. I have been online trying to find out how I can obtain your birth certificate, but I am having a hard time getting any info. I need to have that piece of paper...I want to show people that you lived. I have you death certificate, so why is it so hard to have proof that you lived? It's like no one cares baby boy...I know that isn't fully true, but it just feels that way. I don;t want you to be forgotten. We went over to help your aunt  move some things sunday...at one point she wanted your dad to move their old crib and carriage out of the attic (you would have used them). Steven asked her why and she said "One day you or I will have kids and I would like to use it." It killed me to hear that. I just sat there and tried with every bit of my soul to not cry. I know she didn't mean it, it's just one more f'd up reminder that you never got a chance. That people don't acknowledge your life. I try so hard to be positive, but some days I just want to scream...but instead I just cry. I just want you so much. That will never change!! I will be 100 and I will still always want you. I love the days when I can feel you around me...I need that today honey. I need you to help me be strong. Someone told me it's ok that I cry so much...it just means I really love you. Two of my friends had babies at the same tie you would have been born and lived. They are so wonderful...it is just so hard seeing all of their milestones. They should be yours. My cousin just announced she is pregnant. I am so happy for her, but so sad for myself...she is going to have the first living baby in the family. I guess news like this will always be bittersweet. I'm so sorry this letter is so sad, I'm just in pain right now. I promise to have happier letters in the future. I just needed to talk with you baby boy. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Hi my love,
 Today is the big fundraiser at Pozole. I don't know why I feel to stressed out, but I do. I wish I could be there to support you in Atlanta, but I am going to have to do it from here. I miss you so much today!!! You dad is off so we are going to go out on the boat, hopefully it will relax me. I just wish you were going with us, though I am sure you will still be with us. I really hope lots of people come out tonight...I just need to know that people care...they care about you and your importance in this world. I love you Phoenix!

And another is born...

 Hi prince,
 Sorry I haven't written...I've been a little busy last week but trust me, I didn't forget about you. You know I always talk to you in my head anyways. So, I was on the ole facebook, and another friend had a baby. It was o hard seeing his picture, but I forced myself too. I need to learn to deal with the fact that there will always be pregnant women and babies being born. I have to learn to be happy for them, because you would want me too. It was just so hard, because they would go back and forth complaining about when the baby would come and having to go back and forth to the hospital...I just wanted to say "Be happy those are the only problems you are having." I don't though because I don't want to be debbie downer. I just wish people would appreciate the life that have inside of them more, but alas it took me losing you to have that appreciation. Yay me.
 So if you can, will you how your daddy some love today? He's been going through a lot at work, and I feel so bad about how stressed he has been. He really needs something good to happen. He works so hard little man, and he deserves happiness. I wish you where here to make him smile. He loves us so much.
 I really miss you a lot little guy. I woke up this morning filled with sadness, and I knew it was going to be a really hard day. I met a new friend who lost his little girl and I hope you guys are friends. I wish none of us had to go through this but it's like they say "There is no compassion without pain." I never understood that till you died.
 Saturday I thought about you a lot...your daddy and I went and got our boat from the marina. He was soooo happy. I'll have to post some picture for you. We got bagels and ate out in the middle of the bay. It would have been your first time out there...I wonder if you would have like it. Reminded me of the day you died, and the only trip you would ever get to take. I kinda laughed thinking about your name which is surrounded by the symbol of fire, but when I think of being on the water I think of you most. You sailed the same waters with us. You got to be in the ocean once. That was the best day of my life...followed by the worst. I know you where with us though...I know you always are. Thank you for all the little reminders each day.
 The Mach of Dimes walk is only two weeks away little man! We have raised quite a bit of money in your honor! My old job in Atlanta is doing a big fundraiser in your name this friday! I hope you are there to see all the wonderful people you have touched. People who have never met me are spreading the word of your life, and so are friends and your family. I am blessed with so much love on this earth. You my darling have changed lives. You have taught love and compassion...you accomplished in forty five minutes of living more than I ever have. I love you so much baby boy. The tears still fall with the ache I have for you, andI am trying to stay positive, but some days it is so hard. I just try to be strong and brave for you. You deserve a momma who loves you more than anything. I hope you feel that love up where you are. I wish I could shower the world with it. Well my darling, I am going to go now, but just know I am always here for you. I hope I can see you in my dreams.
                                Always yours,
                                       Momma

Happy Easter Baby!

H

Happy Easter my love! I wish I woke up to you here with an easter basket made. I made one for you aunt, grandpa, and great gradparents. You dad is that the store now so I thought I would write you now. We'll be going to the cemetery later so I can bring you your easter gifts. I hate that the only way I can be close to you little body is by going there. I miss you so much. This should be your first easter, but I guess you are celebrating in heaven. I am sure it is so much more beautiful than anything I can give you.
 I do love the idea of easter though. Jesus rose from the dead. I never realized how amazing that notion is. Baby you aren't dead...I know your body is but you are alive and better than ever. I know you are with me. Even when I google and image to give you on this blog you name came up on the very first suggestion. I know you are life itself. I can't wait till the day I get to start my life with you too. I am going to try not to cry at your grave today, but I doubt I will. I try to remember you is a happy light, and try to think of you growing up in the clouds with all of our family members who aren't with us anymore. I miss them too. I feel so lonely without  you. I hope you find lots of easter eggs up above, and remember me today because I'll be thinking of you. Love you with all of my heart baby boy.
                                             Always yours,
                                                   Momma

8

Hi my sweet love,
 Today is eight months since you where born, and eight months since you died. I miss you so terribly much.  cannot belive it is eight months already since you went up above. How is it up there? I hope everyone is throwing you a big party full of love today. Baby I know you are will me in spirit. I feel you around me all the time.  just wish I could see you, and hold you in the physical sense...it's hard still being human. I know one day I will be released from this body and burst into a million particles, and will be part of you...and you will me. That will be true happiness. It's funny know...I sit and watch what people wish and pray for. The things that people say they "can't live without"...the depth of ones love for material things. I don't understand that, because I know what it means to really want something with every bit of your soul. I have learned what makes the heart tick, and that i because of you. I am glad that I am free of most earthly wants (except chocolate...man I do love it baby boy). I live of of what I need and the love I have around me. You gave me that gift little one.
 We went to go make your quit lat week honey. It was so hard. When your dad and I walked in there, there where children everywhere. I was beyond overwhelmed and felt trapped. Luckily, the lady that was there walked over and talked with me. She lost her son Kyle 13 years ago so she understood where I was coming from. I hope you to have met, and have become good friends. She gave me my part of the quilt to work on and some other materials. I was so grateful for her. I try to keep a positive spirit for you baby boy but I am human and imperfect so I mes up all the time. I am afraid because f all the mistakes I have  made in the passed that I won't be able to be close to you when I die. You are beyond perfect, and I am so far from it. I'm sorry I wasn't a better person in this lifetime, but I am trying to get there. My love for you out weighs it all.
 Hopefully we will be able to come see you this weekend for easter. Ugh, another holiday to get through, but I am going to make the best of it for you, your dad, and our family. You really have the best dad, he takes such good care of me and we are the best of friends. I never knew someone could love me the way that he does. I will be with him for the rest of my life and beyond. One day we will all get to be together. Wouldn't that be nice?
             I love you my little price.
               Always-
                Momma

Angel

I thought about you so much this weekend my prince. I was watching a show about a medium, and a show about the afterlife. I cried a lot watching them and thinking about you. Phoenix is is awful that I think you are an angel more perfect than any living child on this earth. You never did anything wrong, bad or selfish. You brouhgt your father and I unconditional love. Some say it takes a a purposal or a wedding to prove that you are going to be together for the rest of your lives. I have ALWAYS loved your father but the day we found out you were coming in to our lives I knew we were meant for each other forever. I cried at first because I was scared, but your dad just smiled. Though he was nervous, he knew this was the day we truly committed ourselves to each other. You brought out all that is good about our love, you brought us even closer together.
 My most favorite memory is when I found out you where a boy. Your dad could come to the screening because of work, and I didn't think I was going to find out your sex, but when the tech told me by whole world changed. I don't remember my feet touching the ground. I floated out the door, with stars in my eyes. I was having a little boy..we both really wanted a boy. I couldn't believe we were going to have you. In a matter of months I was going to have this little man in my arms. I went to target and just went through all the boys things...picking out little shirts for you. I didn't tell your dad that I knew when he called. It was so hard to lie but I wanted to see his face when he got home and I told him. I bought a little plaid shirt that looked just like the ones he wore all the time. I imagined you wearing it as a baby out on the boat with us enjoying the summer sun. I also bought a couple of more. I got a little bag to put them in. On the way out, I grabbed a bite to eat, and I was sitting next to a little boy. I couldn't stop smiling...the joy that surrounded me was limitless. I never knew that such elation existed. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was having a little boy with the man of my dreams. You would grow up to be like him, because he is such a great man. You are the greatest thing we ever created.
 When he got home, I couldn't wait. I gave him the bag and as soon as he saw the shirt he looked s shocked, and then just beemed with pride! I have never seen your father so happy Phoenix. He just kept huggin me and laughing. He wanted you so bad baby boy. We both were on cloud nine.  told your Grandma and Grandpa. They were so happy too! We all were over the moon. You brought ultimate joy to all of us.
 That was a Thursday.
 Every morning your dad would wake up, jump on top of me and yell "It's a boy!!!"
 He was just so so happy, and so was I.
 On Saturday we smiled on the boat as we thought about our lives together with you: our forever sunshine.
That night I went into labor and the doctors sent me home.
Sunday morning at three a.m. you died.
All our sunshine was gone. All my joy was crushed by those words:
"I'm sorry he didn't make it"
The light swallowed itself up and I was in the darkness. You were gone, and I layed in that labor a delivery room and cried like never before. You dad held me and tried to keep it all together, but it was all to late.
To late...there was nothing I could give to get you back.
 I fell from the clouds and hit rock bottom. I wanted to stay there till I could be with you again...

Almost eight moths have passed, and though the pain is still great, I am able to smile more when I think of you. You have changed my life baby boy, and you saved it too. I am a better human being because of you and what you brought to me. You brought nothing but good to this earth, and  you took that with you. You are all consuming love, and I am so grateful for your life! I am in awe of everything you did for your father and I. You are my angel...FOREVER!
 I know it's you everytime I see your name on something. I know you are with me when I feel that energy go up my legs through my spine. I know you are still alive my boy. You spirit free from body. I want you to be in the best place you can be my love! To ask you to come back to earth is selfish because it would tarnish the perfect being that you are...thought you will always be perfect to me.
 I found the perfect bear for you this weekend...I think you helped me find it! I will come see you grave on easter so I will bring it to you.
 Thank you angel for all the love through pain...and all that you are. Please watch over your father, and family, and myself. We all need you baby boy. You have so much love here on earth!
                   YOU ARE THE GREATEST!
                          I love you.
                  Momma